What more do I have to say

Today I have regained myself and my composure. Ever since the day I went out from my boss's room, I wasn't myself. I tried but just not myself. A different me is born. So true. So true. I am happy for one thing though, I am happy for finding my peace and it's a good thing. Perhaps that is what I've been missing in my life and perhaps that what God wants to reveal to me but I wouldn't listen and so this situation made me realized what I've been missing. I am greatful for that.

However, the bitter taste in my office left me with a permanent scar, and I have made up my mind on two things. One, I will be a good colleague from now on. Two, I have no friends in office. This means, I would help out in everything that is office related but I will not trust anyone from my office and so if I don't trust people, then I won't get hurt so badly. Some things have turned ugly and so I have to do something to protect myself. Don't like it but, I just have to do it.

On lighter side of things. The sewage pipe leaked pretty bad and the whole lobby area stinks of poo. Try waiting for the elevator that could take five minutes and your whole body stinks of poo when you arrive at your destination. The leak went down to three basements and its really, really bad. Sigh. What a week.

May 4th, 2006

Reporting today of yesterday's events, this is Brian Chew.

Event Number 1.

Had to climb seveal flights of stairs for yesterday and today as well due to some malfunction in my office build's elevator. So it was pretty tiring for me and most likely it would be pretty tiring for me today as well. Sigh. But I can't complain much, my stop is at 5th floor and not at the 13th (highest) floor and so this means that I would be getting my daily exercise too for the today as well. I usually carry my company's laptop/notebook and an umbrella and so I'm pretty okay for climbing stairs. On to event number 2.

Event Number 2

Second item on the list of problems of my office building, the sewage pipe that leads to the sewage tank got stuck and so EVERYONE in this building is NOT permitted to go to the toilet. So there were have, a toilet that you can't go and if you really need to go, you need to go to the next adjacent building to pee or something else. But wait, isn't that the elevator's not working too? Yes it is. So to go to toilet, you must walk down the stairs, then go to the adjacent building and then come back, climb the stairs as the procedure to relieve yourself. Pathetic isn't it.

Event Number 3

Third item is that I'm staying on course with this new batch and things are okay. How's my fear you ask? The answer is, it is still there but coping.

This is Brian Chew reporting from my office. Over and out.

May 2nd, 2006

I had a horrible weekend right from Friday night till Sunday and spilt over to yesterday. I have this re-occuring dream that I scolded and pinned for something I thought, in my judgement, was best for me to do things. Instead, I got punished and I don't think I could ever get over this. The trauma that inflicted upon me left me a sense of fear. Not that deep of turning into a morbid type but deep enough. I hate this. I really hate this. Fear has crept into my life and I can't function well or as well as I should/could.

Fear is something that paralyzes people and anything that can paralyzes you to function is bad. I try to eliminate fear in my life altogether. Why should I allow fear to control my life? Most of the time fear is just there to stop you from doing things but may not happen but some how this incident causes me to freeze in my tracks. Having said that, this fear is real because my boss will monitor me and the chances that I get screwed is pretty high and so technically if I were to remove this fear, I must either be on his good side or I quit this place altogether. I've moved too many times and so I don't feel like moving anymore. Furthermore, there is no point for me to move JUST because of this fear. I still don't like it. I'll take this job, till I'm dead or this company find someone better. How's that?

Coming back to my horrible weekend. I did, however, find solace in yesterday's dinner with the other donkey and chicken again. Suresh and Audrey together with William and Sharon. Esther and I enjoyed it pretty much last night. The amount of food we had for "Steam boat" was tremendous. Could easily feed half a squad of Gurkhas. So our waist-line expanded (about an inch and a half) but at that one sitting, I had forgotten about my fear. So that was good.

Waking up this morning was hard. Not only because it rained last night and so the cooler weather makes it harder to get up but also the dreaded fear. So, I gritted my teeth and go to the office early. Why? So I can get myself mentally prepared first before the class starts. Sigh, if I'm going to do this every day, then I'd better get this to be my routine. By making it as a routine, then I won't have to be afraid so much. Part of my job. Sigh. But still...oh well.

Today was okay. Let's see tomorrow.