One of my fears
There was another story that I wanted to write but something just came up in this mind of mine that overshadows the rest. One of my fears is actually not being good enough. Though it may be good but it is sometimes bad. Good because it acts as a driving force. Since I'm not good enough, then I stive to be better. However, I have the struggle of trying to be good enough because of my insecurities. So a vicious cycle continues in my brain that I am not comfortable with.
I often looked at my other friends whom I envy on how they do things, behaves and thinks. They have this kind of amazing aura about them. Aye, I too feel envious when I see someone is better at something and I wish I could do that too. These four guys have been part of my life (of course, they are my friends) and thus part of my memories. Even when I am doing something or about to do something, I would have thought of them and say to myself, "he would have done sssssoooo much better" (with a snicker). I'm probably right. Most of the time I do believe so.
So far the only thing that I am good at that is probably slightly better than they, is that I can play more sports. Ha! So? So what? Sports is fun but how will sports help me in my relationship? Unless it's sports related and sports specific, my career? Aye, I can probably whip a mean cross-court drive in tennis better than they can or I can probably do a sharp drop shot when I hit the shuttlecock. Again, so? When it comes to the obvious and things that (in my life) matters most, I pale in comparison in most of those things.
I'm quite sure there are some of you readers felt the same way and we keep telling ourselves we are unique and special (just like everyone else). We also tell ourselves and by others that we may have talents and usefulness that we have yet to find (just like everyone else). Their talent is a gift and so is mine (what in the world is my gift? Sports?). You will have your moments of fame, you know, your fifteen minutes of fame in your life. My answer to that is "have I passed that moment?" and "is that all I've got or can have?". Oh yeah, people still likes me for just the way I am. Only problem is I can't like the way I do, feel, think and behave as much as other people thinks. (Deep sigh). Don't worry. I've been going through this phase ever since I hit puberty.
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On the lighter side, Cars is a good animation. I liked the story. Good flow, excellent graphics and nice Porsche. After that show, I feel like driving wilder or talking to my car to see if it responds. I think I'll stick to talking to my car since driving wilder means I got to burn more gas. I'd estimated about 4 thousand (just about right) to fix my whole car to be what I wanted it to be. A new paint (it's fading and plenty of scratches and flakes coming out), new seats (both front and back), new engine (preferable turbo charged, kidding - way out of budget for that) and four new tires ( three years old and still good but its wearing thin). I have no intention to change it (change my car that is) and it still serves me well. I have but one more year to pay for my installment and after that it's 100% mine. I still wish it would/could talk though. Oh yeah, the only thing about Cars that I am still trying to figure it out is, how in the world the cars could throw things in the air, hold and swerve a video camera without any hands?
I often looked at my other friends whom I envy on how they do things, behaves and thinks. They have this kind of amazing aura about them. Aye, I too feel envious when I see someone is better at something and I wish I could do that too. These four guys have been part of my life (of course, they are my friends) and thus part of my memories. Even when I am doing something or about to do something, I would have thought of them and say to myself, "he would have done sssssoooo much better" (with a snicker). I'm probably right. Most of the time I do believe so.
So far the only thing that I am good at that is probably slightly better than they, is that I can play more sports. Ha! So? So what? Sports is fun but how will sports help me in my relationship? Unless it's sports related and sports specific, my career? Aye, I can probably whip a mean cross-court drive in tennis better than they can or I can probably do a sharp drop shot when I hit the shuttlecock. Again, so? When it comes to the obvious and things that (in my life) matters most, I pale in comparison in most of those things.
I'm quite sure there are some of you readers felt the same way and we keep telling ourselves we are unique and special (just like everyone else). We also tell ourselves and by others that we may have talents and usefulness that we have yet to find (just like everyone else). Their talent is a gift and so is mine (what in the world is my gift? Sports?). You will have your moments of fame, you know, your fifteen minutes of fame in your life. My answer to that is "have I passed that moment?" and "is that all I've got or can have?". Oh yeah, people still likes me for just the way I am. Only problem is I can't like the way I do, feel, think and behave as much as other people thinks. (Deep sigh). Don't worry. I've been going through this phase ever since I hit puberty.
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On the lighter side, Cars is a good animation. I liked the story. Good flow, excellent graphics and nice Porsche. After that show, I feel like driving wilder or talking to my car to see if it responds. I think I'll stick to talking to my car since driving wilder means I got to burn more gas. I'd estimated about 4 thousand (just about right) to fix my whole car to be what I wanted it to be. A new paint (it's fading and plenty of scratches and flakes coming out), new seats (both front and back), new engine (preferable turbo charged, kidding - way out of budget for that) and four new tires ( three years old and still good but its wearing thin). I have no intention to change it (change my car that is) and it still serves me well. I have but one more year to pay for my installment and after that it's 100% mine. I still wish it would/could talk though. Oh yeah, the only thing about Cars that I am still trying to figure it out is, how in the world the cars could throw things in the air, hold and swerve a video camera without any hands?
posted by Brian at
Saturday, June 17, 2006
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