2007 Reflections

“And in the end it is not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” -Abraham Lincoln

At the year’s end, after reflecting, I have struggled though out this year. So did most people anyway, so what’s different? I’ll give a peek on what has happened and what mine is like. You can share yours.

In the first quarter I have struggled with changes that my medication did to me. I know it did some changes in me and to me. My friends told me of my changes, even with the guys and gals that played badminton with me said that my style of playing badminton has changed somewhat. I asked them if it was better or worse, they cannot pin-point exactly but said there were noticeable changes, neither good nor bad.

But I was struggling nonetheless. Struggles during the first quarter were not as hard as the second quarter. Spending more on my medications made me more tensed as these kinds of medications cannot be bought at a local Seven-Eleven. I had to work around my budget a bit more. Mostly I have to give up the idea of savings that could be made. I thought that I could save as I am going to finish paying my car loan by the second quarter. Snigger.

At first quarter I could only pay my credit card debt less than I had originally planned because I needed the money to pay my medications. My aim for the year 2007 was to declare myself debt free (especially credit card) by the middle of the year and able to save money hence forth. My first objective failed when I started to pay for my medication. The other failures and/or disappointments are either small or “normal” in my day-to-day living.

The second quarter has one major thing that is positive; finally finish paying my car loan. That was a good thing, a big burden lifted and now I have to shift focus to be debt free. New target set: end of the year. I worked out for hours on my plan to achieve that target. I skipped most of my lunches but maintained my badminton playing and a bit of “here-and-there” but no more. Something else crept into my life: misery.

I was miserable. Slowly but surely it crept in. I became more bitter and so I behave worse. I was becoming a monster on my own. My performance at work went up in terms of technical delivery aspect. I always make sure that my information is as accurate as possible. The participants that were in my courses knew that too but I was miserable inside. This affected HOW I conduct and not WHAT I conducted. It wasn’t until the fourth quarter of this year that the bottom fell and I fell with it.

In June I went for a holiday to “try to get away from it all”. I was at a beach island with warm waters, soft sand and marine life with my Esther. Was I happy? My doctor asked me that question when I came back and had one session with him. I told him I was but was I? You can see that from that one line I wasn’t really happy and that is the truth. I was not truly happy, not thoroughly enjoying myself as I should have.

By the third quarter, I was really bitter inside. I struggled with sanity, i.e. trying to maintain my nature and mind, and this I declared the worse form of struggling. Finances and most other stuff is secondary. Once you lost your mind/self, you’ve lost your life. IMHO.

It was during this period that I was spiraling downwards. I was struggling big time here. I was struggling to be happy. I was alright financially (okay, tight but still not drowning) but with my misery, it affected my work performance. It got from bad to worse. I know that technical presentation aspect was good and the participants are not complaining about that. I was still at WHAT instead of HOW problem. Complaints accumulated silently and the floor that was supporting me was near at maximum weight.

Beginning of fourth period I was in “near disaster” level. My personality changed in my life was at it worst. Last period was worse but at this stage it went worse to even worse (it hadn’t reached the worst yet). I was applying for another break, this time the objective is really to “get it out of my system”. I failed at the final turn. It was only a week away when the floor that was supporting me caved-in and caved-in it did. Two major things happened: first, the week before I did my presentation. Technically good but the “HOW” was at its worse. I insinuating, condescending and utterly disgusting. I was terrible. If I had an instructor like I behave, I wouldn't ask him either. Many information, insights I had gained through listening to others who knew more than I. I am a good enough student; learnt quickly and followed instructions carefully. If I followed instructions and went wrong, I would know if it was my fault or where I have learned it from.

Looking back, I know I have stepped on many toes. God knows. Heck, even I know so of course God knows. The only difference is that God knows that I’ve stepped on toes that I did not know. I wish I could say “I’m sorry” sincerely and truly to those toes that I’ve stepped on. I wish they could forgive me. Guilt is a terrible thing to have in your mind, consciously or unconsciously. I wish they could but I know I deserved it…one way or another I deserved it. I know some stuff I did was wrong and I still do it. Things like I know I should not steal but yet I did it anyway. I stole a mouse (computer mouse) from my office and though it was old, I did it anyway. It was wrong but I did it anyway. Stealing is stealing, no matter how small. Even if I put the mouse back, it still happened. These “purposeful” acts, that I am flogging myself with, matters to me a lot.

The second major thing happened, happened in the course that I was conducting. I asked the group a question and was waiting for an answer. One of the participants spoke out, “It is not our intention not to answer but you seem so tensed, unhappy and because of that your face is unfriendly. It makes it hard for us to respond.”

That hit me hard like a train. So I pondered on those words during lunch. I realized that I was depressed and depression crept into my mind nearly destroyed my self. I have chased my goals and let disappointments of life making me bitter, angry and depressed. This in turn made my life in reality sucked.

As expected, my management called me in for a meeting. I know I had to face the music of all the complaints accumulated and so I did. I hardly defended myself in the meeting and acknowledged all doings (wrong doings to be exact). I know it was my fault, not environments, not anything else but moi. It was a miserable meeting but a “good” misery. I know I had to do something to stop it and hopefully I’ll find that during my break the following week.

The following week was for me to think about what had happened and reflecting on those words that the participant uttered. I thank God for that revelation. Yes it hurt to know the truth but I think I needed it. I needed to thank her for that if I ever meet her again.

I had a two day break plus the weekends made it 4 days and Christmas day made it 5. I didn’t tell my parents that I’m staying at friend’s place to “get away” though. They thought I had to work out of town for that week or so. During those days, I cried, ponder some more of those words, cried some more. I could not find anything that could “get it out of my system”. Not sports, not liqueur (no money to get drunk. Not to mention staying healthier), not anything could help me to “get it out from my system”. Tears however helped. People do tell, and tell often, others to cry it out. It works and worked for me.

So what’s in store now? Hmmm. I still have some hope left. If there is hope, there is still the “will” to go on. “Life is a journey. Not a destination – Steven Tyler”. I have fought my mental and emotional issues this year. I've settled my debts though a few hundred to pay for my credit card still, it's now manageable. What’s next in store for me next year? Don’t know but the hope for a better tomorrow is still alive. I shall and will pick up my life and continue to live. Living is what that counts right? So I choose to live and not chasing life. Chasing life is hard, better to live than chase. Till next round.

This is Brian…over and out.