Coming to the end

"Every man who knows how to read has it in his power to magnify himself, to multiply the ways in which he exists, to make his life full, significant and interesting." - Aldous Huxley.

Every year by December I would reminisce and this year is no different. It is a good "habit"(?). I would say. It is a rather humbling experience. My old roommate David told me that most people do not to this simply because they don't like what they see inside their hearts.

He is quite right. I do it because I know how dark my matter is when I see inside my heart.

I choose to do it and by choosing to do it, I would know how or where to correct it. Problem is that when I do it, I may become morbid for a certain period of time. I wish I do not have to do it but I really have to. It is a personal way of doing "check-and-balance". Sometimes I miss some of the “dark side” of me but at least I will cover some of those that I DO know that it is dark.

So what have I discovered so far? Hmmm.... I won't tell you what I did for this is my own "check-and-balance" review. However, I share whatever I can as a form of release.

It is already a year since I had my ADHD medication and I still haven't told my father yet. Not yet and probably not ever. His own hard-headed makes it difficult to share. Stubborn about "saving his face" makes it really hard to accept faults of this kind. I would "shame" him if anyone else knows. Funny thing is, I have let the whole world know about my condition and not him.

Beginning of this year till late third-quarter of this year, I have noticed considerable changes. I do not know if it is the drug that I consume daily (for my ADHD) or is it just me. I have become darker and slightly bad to the point of being evil. Okay, let me explain my description of good, bad, naughty and evil.

For works of good, I would mean truly, sincerely, genuinely helping people. I had done those. One example is that I know of these two women who had trouble with their computer and I genuinely wanted to help them. I'd even stayed late at night while they were sleeping to try to solve their problem (stayed until 2:30 am). They slept while waiting for me to finish. I just smiled at the situation. I know that they are tired and I also know that they don't have the necessary knowledge/skills to help me find the problem (it was infection of the virus and needed some registry editing). There were others too.

For works of bad, I would mean selfishness or being self-centered; not necessarily being outwardly selfish/self-centeredness but in a subtle way. An example would be me looking for a ride from point A to point B. I do have my own car but I am still looking for a ride so that I could/would save petrol in MY car. Those kinds of things would be bad in my books.

For naughty, I would mean being a prankster of sorts. I would use my knowledge to irritate people knowing that it would make them feel irritated. For example there is girl I know whose name is Desby and I would irritate her by calling her "Debbie" knowing she doesn't like it. Her reply was (often nearing a roar), "My name is DESBY! DESBY! NOT DEBBIE!!" Now I don't call her Debbie anymore. Sorry Debbie, I mean Desby.

For my term of being evil, it's plain obvious. Returning something good for the purpose of hurting, blaming for the sake of blaming to get people into trouble so that one would not be blamed in return, etc…these are evil acts in my eyes. For example, early this year, I heard on the radio that on Valentine's Day, there was a prank pulled by a couple. I name them Nancy and Joe (not their real name and not referring to anyone I know...just names pulled out from the space between my ears).

Nancy and Joe had an idea, a prank of sorts. They went around in a shopping mall and spotted another couple happily holding hands, and enjoying each other's company. Nancy then walked to the unknown couple and would cause a stir. She went to the unknown guy and pretended that she knows him. In his face she shouted, "So this is where you hang out is it?! You told me that you were going to see your aunt and here you are holding another girl's hand on Valentine's Day!" She would let those words sink in for half-a-second then finishes off with "That's it between us! Our relationship is OVER!"

Nancy stormed off giggling while Joe would watch from afar and laughed at the two unknown couple. They told the radio deejay that the unknown couple had obvious arguments in public and the guy was trying to defend himself while the other girl would ignore his pleas. I would categorize this type of act as evil, causing hurt is evil. Knowing fully well that it may cause problems this is evil especially since it is an act from an adult.

Anyway, I still have my dark side to check and I'll post more of these if I have the time. It is time for me to teach now so this is Brian...over and out.

Oh no...not another accident

Yesterday Sunday, 2nd December.

It was a nice, planned day from morning till evening when it all came down with a bang. What a bang it was.

Esther and I were on our way to church for the evening service. It was about 4:55 pm and the sun was turning red in the sky. I find it relieving to know that the sun was setting and the day was indeed getting cooler. It was so hot earlier in the afternoon.

We saw a traffic jam up ahead and slowed down. There was a couple of cars parked at the emergency lane and caused some disruption in the traffic flow with driving idiots looking at the damaged cars on the left lane. I then decided to switch onto a faster lane and hoping to get out of the bottle-neck. A hundred meters out of the bottle-neck zone there was some cars breaking all of a sudden (probably due to cars in front switching lanes at will).

I stepped on my breaks and immediately slowed down. Esther was half shaken and was telling me how close I was to the car in front. I did not bang into the car in front (I know how much distance I need and I know my car really well). I had about a two to three feet gap between the car in front and my car. I let out a sigh of relief. That only lasted for a second.

BANG!

Esther and I were thrown forward. Reality finally hit on me (pun intended) that I was knocked from behind. I quickly recovered from the shock from the impact and realized that I knocked onto the car in front too. I looked at Esther and she had no visible injuries. I then quickly assessed the situation in my car and steps to do, turned off my car and went out. My car's still operational with my engine and other front critical components (example my radiator) still could work as I didn't see any leak when I peeked underneath my car. My bonnet couldn't be opened for further assessments though. The back of my car had a hard blow, but my car is an older car and so it was tougher built (a plus on having an older car). My boot (trunk) could still function (i.e. open and close) though some parts of it was loose due to the impact and best of all, Esther and I wasn't hurt (physically that is).

Both drivers came out of their vehicles, with one started yelling and screaming and another was trying to look sympathetic. The driver that yelled and screamed was from the car in front of me. He and his family came out (I'll call this driver "Saga" after the model that he was driving) and pointed their fingers at me. The driver of the car that banged into moi from the back came out only to look at his car (probably shocked to find his car almost a total wreck). He was with his family too in that small car (I'll call this driver "the idiot" - after the established fact that he wasn't paying attention and that he was driving really, really fast on a traffic congested road).

Saga and his family were shocked and there was a young lady who had some physical injury on her face. Apparently her face hit the dashboard (probably from not wearing the seat-belt) and injured her lips. She spat some blood on the asphalt pavement when she came out. There was another young chap (looked like the lady's younger brother) screamed and shouted at me. How as I doing? I was calm (unusually calm) and trying to find the best way out of this (Esther was impressed that I handled this situation like that later she said). I explained to Saga and his family that I was hit from behind and took them a while to realize that it wasn't me that caused the "cause".

The idiot was trying to gain sympathy by telling me and Saga that his car is a total wreck and showing us the damage. Actually he doesn't need to show me, I could see it myself. Idiot's car was damaged quite severely (radiator's busted with hot water spewing out and anyone could see the engine lubricating oil leaking profusely and other colourful fluids could be seen flowing out). The idiot asked me why I suddenly stopped. I was trying to tell him that I stopped because the car in front stopped and so I hit the breaks. I was half angry that he asked me that question. My question to him was "why didn't YOU stop?" No answer from him. He was still assessing his car’s damage.

After 10 minutes of gathering the necessary facts/data (i.e. car plate, time of accident, etc) , I gathered the rest of my wits and told the other two drivers that I am heading towards the police station. I would see them there if possible to quickly end the sour/bitter taste. The idiot was still trying to gain for sympathy and said, "I can't drive anymore..." I just told him to call get a ride from his friends. I was half afraid that if I stayed there a bit longer, it would be my turn to scream and shout at that idiot. I was also half doing it for Esther’s sake if I end the trauma early.

I was fine. Esther was shaking (almost visibly and of course blaming me for the situation). I just looked at her and kept quiet. I don't want to push it. I'm sure it was nerve wrecking and she's just pissed and I was the only one nearby to take the brunt. So I left it be, after all, she just want to vent. I was thankful for all things and particularly thankful that my notebook wasn't in the trunk (boot) when it happened.

At the police station, I was surprised that the reporting system had changed (tremendously I might add). I had to take a number now and wait in line. I had to fill in a form with the necessary information and my particulars and handed to the officer in charge of the front desk. Then I was asked to type the report on a computer system they had setup. So I followed all the necessary instructions and proceeded to call my buddy, Joel, who were in church. I just told him that I was at the local police station. He was on his way without even asking what happened.

I saw Joel, and William was with him. I smiled. They (Joel and William) only asked me what happened after reaching here and I told them the whole story (thanks guys). I also warned them that Esther was a bit tensed ("very" is more appropriate) and asked them if they could send her home, which they did (thanks again guys). It took a bit of coaxing and firm decision making by me to get Esther to follow the guys back to her home. By the time I done all is required of me, they had returned. I told the guys that I would drive my car back to my parents’ house and they would pick me up from there. I told my parents what had happened briefly. I proceeded with my buddies to church (I was in calm but still a bit "nervy"). The service just ended when we arrived and met more friends and my pastor along the way and had my meal with them later in the evening (special thanks for Pastor Thomas and Su Xin for their accompaniment).

I had a ride back to Subang from Joel to check on Esther, and both of us watched another episode of "Criminal Minds". She was much better and she prepared a meal on her own. It was my decision to give her space to calm herself down. It was a good decision I reckoned. It was about midnight and time for me to go home for my rest. This time, Esther drove me home in her car. What a day. What a day.

This is Brian...over and out.