Yuck Berries

I wrote this piece and showed it to someone and then was commented that it was written too dark and thus missing my point. So I re-write it and send to some MORE people and seemed that it is okay. So this is the piece.

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I sometimes wonder if people could see through me "yuck berries" (a term that I've learnt in a training seminar - many, many, MANY moons ago, just after I reached puberty). Yuck berries, if I can recall, is a term use for "ugliness of the heart". Just like your arteries being blocked by your "bad" cholesterol, "bad" personalities also clogs up your good heart (referring personality and not the blood pumping muscle).

"He is a good person = he has a good heart."

I have heard about those lines and more. These people felt "touched" by the other persons' actions and felt some "warmth" within their own hearts. Nice. Only problem is, is that the only measurement? What else? Perhaps. I don't know. I've seen people that have "good hearts" with "bad intentions" and also vice versa. However, I am not going to talk about "good hearts" vs. "bad hearts" but more what is "yuck berries" do to a "good hearted" person.

The “yuck berries” is, as said earlier, like your bad cholesterol. Things like your mind (thinking), your actions (decisions), your personality (behaviour), and other components that make up "your-individual-self", is generating the "yuck berries". If you have good mind, actions, personality and others, then you have little "yuck berries" and thus little to worry about. The "yuck berries", is never 100% gone. Just how little or much is it. No man (or woman) is perfect. Just like a normal, "healthy" body, the amount of cholesterol is equal to how many good cholesterol and how many bad cholesterol is in your body and you cannot remove ALL bad cholesterol, just controlling, reducing the bad ones while leaving the good ones roam free in your body.

The worrying part is when your "yuck berries" becomes uncontrollable, becomes too much. It will "clog" up your "heart" (referring to mind, actions, personality, etc) and covering it and made it "black". Your "good" heart is still there, just covered. However, if left uncontrolled even more, the gunk that covers it will cast a shadow that is so long and so big that you cannot escape unless you go to another country or die (by nature, murdered or self).

Your good natured heart will be covered if you have accumulated enough "yuck berries". Corruption of a person's nature doesn't happen overtime and is very, very subtle (but I am not going to talk about that point though). What made a God-fearing, wife-loving, church-going, law-abiding man (or woman) fell from grace and became a "bad" man (or woman)? Affairs, greed (money), position (power) and many other factors are involved in the “construction” of the “yuck berries”.

I often wondered why King David fell so badly. He was at his height of his power. He has lots of wives of his own. Yet, he couldn't help it when he saw Bathsheba, who was also married (at that time ) to another man. David covets, had affair with Bathsheba (thus breaking his marriage covenant with his other wives and God), and plotted the death of Bathsheba's husband (thus committing the sin of killing). I will not go into a debate about King David but just to serve as an example. After all, King David was known as "the man who is after God's heart" and YET he failed at a point, though later recovered but most people ONLY remembered that “bad” point in his life.

In connection to the "yuck berries", King David's God-fearing heart was covered and covered deep enough that his "God-fearing" heart was no longer in control over his life. The “yuck berries” were in controlled BUT that does not mean that King David's original God-fearing heart was gone. I do not believe that a "good man" can become a "bad" man and lost his "goodness" completely. I never believe that; somewhere in there, deep behind the "yuck berries", lies his heart.

"I felt the goodness in you", Luke Skywalker said to Darth Vader (his father).

I am not here to talk about pushing away the "yuck berries" to reveal the true heart below. That can be from a religious point of view, counselling point of view and many others or even combinations of the methods. What I am writing is the effects of the "yuck berries" AFTER (yup not during) the heart is cleared of it.

The problem being human is that most (about 95%) people remember bad stuff more than good, and sometimes only the bad. A "changed" person, i.e. “yuck berries” not covering the heart anymore, WILL always be looked upon, stigmatized and TREATED as when the person is discovered with "yuck berries". Here, I am talking about if a person wants to change, tries to change and changed, somehow or rather, the person is STILL branded with "yuck berries". It is very hard to break that perception of others. I even dare to say "impossible" for some people to change that perception.

The "yuck berries" are gone, the "good heart" returns BUT the people does not change their views. I can understand yet I find it hard to accept the reason why people cannot change their views. Remember, I am talking about a good-natured person that turned bad and then good again. This means that the surrounding people knows that he/she was a good person originally and later turned bad and turned him/her down when he/she is trying to be good again. I find that hard to accept. I have no arguments if the surrounding people do not have a "good past" to compare with and so cannot do a comparison. From that point of view, I agree with “rejection”.

A convict became an ex-convict trying to find a new "beginning" to forget the bad past is abandoned by people that he "knew" before. I know and understand that "trust" is gone. But is it? If it is gone, why cannot it be "re-created" or "renewed"? After all, zero trust was gained initially too when a relationship (friendship or otherwise) was first discovered and formed. What has he/she done that deserves nothing but "a cold death". Short of "life destroying" stuff (rape, murder, physical/mental abuse, etc) is there any hope of forgiveness and a possible renewal?

A moments' of the person's life was covered by the "yuck berries" and thus cause the heart-felt disturbance by relationship(s) of his/her love ones, families and friends. That "yuck berry" moment, also may destroyed his/her reputation/friendship/career/life. Isn't it enough that he/she has suffered and now trying to come back to the people that he/she is trying to proof that the "yuck berries" are gone?

The question often thrown back is, "how can we trust him/her again?" or "how do we know that he/she is changed?" My answer is a question for that question, "how do you know that he/she is NOT changed?" Follow that by, "have he/she done something so grave and bad that he/she cannot be accepted into the circle of friendship yet again?" Remember, I am talking about person that had pushed the "yuck berries" away and WANTED to return back into the circle.

So what about me? If anyone knows me, then would know my answer. I tend to forgive others quite easily. Unless it is a grave "sin", I usually forgive and embrace easily too. Yes, by doing that I also allow myself to be trampled on with by the same person stabbing my heart a few times and more but I always use myself as a measurement to learn to forgive. Yes, I done things that I wish I could turn back the clock and change my decisions/acts/words otherwise but it is in the past and the “yuck berries” cleared. How unfortunate for myself that I cannot forgive my own "self" as easily. It is me, it is myself that I cannot forgive. My circle of friends? I don’t know…most of those that I did wrong, still gives me the “branding”, at least from my perspective of them of me. What do I think of this? Hmmm… it will be another session.

This is Brian. Over and out.