Response to a comment...

This is a response to a comment made in my previous post, "Nice guys...do finishes last"

I wanted to write a comment on that comment but it ended up as a two page comment and so I decided to change it into a blog post instead....

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True. Everyone is unique and changes come from the heart of a person. The thing is people change according to situation and so a comfortable change or an uncomfortable change largely depends on several factors. One of it is the acceptance of such a situation and the other is "alternative".

If one can accept situational changes then the person can adapt to the changes easily and without much impact.
For me, I thought I followed all the rules (both men and God). I thought I can handle the situation better due to the knowledge I gained from other people's failures. How wrong I was. I got no alternatives in front of me when the situation crashed in my eyes. When there is no "alternatives", nothing to look forward to, it will create a negative and inward self-destruction.

That's my frustration and my change to the "negative" persona. My hopes and dreams were dashed and so for most people in this kind of situation are usually the "unacceptable change" of behaviour. I build my world around a dream that I had when it is gone, and when there's no alternatives (at least I don't see one), I will go spiraling down but that's just me. I know I have to go up again but the thought of climbing up, after spending so much of energy (emotionally, mentally, etc), "it" becomes a major barrier.

Yes, prayer helps and I pray every day but I believe times like these, it's outside help that is important. Think about it, I cannot get up, therefore, I need someone from outside my chaos to help me pick up the pieces. God hasn't left me but it is I who choose to be left alone, I admit that. Probably that's my character. I don't mind getting myself into trouble so long as no one else gets hurt. I don't mind getting into problems that my friends are facing and go through with them. I don't mind but what I do mind is to have other people with me when I'm in trouble. That puts me into a spiraling downward shift. I even push God away (unconsciously) from my problems (I know I suppose to go to Him instead of pushing). I treat God like my friend and so I push Him away too. Like I said before, I am like that. I could get into serious trouble with that kind of thinking. Oh well...

I wrote this blog post because I was angry (angry at myself mainly) and angry at my situation and my life. Now I'm writing a response after picking up a bit more of myself.

True I don't like the situation and I don't like being so negative but I cannot accept my old, my personal theories of life. Those theories are gone and I got nothing forward to see and that's why I am so angry. I know in future I will be sober but I also know I may not be as "cheerful" in future.

Typical sentences/phrases that I've been getting from friends:

• "You have to start thinking positively. You can choose to be positive in life or choose to be negative." Hmmm…why does “choosing to be positive", sounds like another way of saying "pretending that the situation never happened". But it did happen and why pretend nothing happened?



• "Forget about the past and move on"... I wish I could forget, for every little thing that comes by WILL remind me that there was a time that it happened.



• "Go out and do something to make you happy", that's the problem, my happiness derived from things not by "doing something" or "seeing something" or even "buying something" (a.k.a. retail therapy). My problem is that my dreams crashed and building it again is very, very hard. The shock is something that I've never experienced it before. Doing something may keep my mind of the situation but it's only temporary. When I reach back home, I look at my four walls...that's what I see, felt and remembered that my hope were dashed and need to pick up again.

Some parts of me were asking, it is worth picking up again and start building your hopes again? Will my dreams get shattered again in future? In life, there is no certainty right? So is it worth getting my hopes up and getting shattered all over again? Will I get the same 99% complete and then got cut off? That's why it is so draining. That is why I am angry at myself and my life in general.

In time I will pick up the pieces and start re-building but I don't think I can build the same type of dream with the same level of hope and with the same positive feel. Everyone has their own theories of life due to their experiences and experiences of others and so mine is shattered and needs a re-build. That's all I can do and since the situational changes me, my re-build (I foresee) will not be as "happy" or as "positive" as what I had intentionally.

However (have to write something positive here otherwise I'll never hear the end of it), life is also unpredictable, may be, just a 0.0000000000001% chance that I may find something along the way to inspire me to re-built my dreams and be equally "positive" or "happy". Who knows? Until that chance comes along and changes me, I'll just do it "my way". Anyway, I'm just expressing my anger and my thoughts for now.

Brian. Over and out.