My Ramblings...

Simon And Garfunkel

2009-03-16T11:25:00.000+08:00

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one deared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisperd in the sounds of silence.

Response to a comment...

2009-02-20T11:11:00.006+08:00

This is a response to a comment made in my previous post, "Nice guys...do finishes last"

I wanted to write a comment on that comment but it ended up as a two page comment and so I decided to change it into a blog post instead....

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True. Everyone is unique and changes come from the heart of a person. The thing is people change according to situation and so a comfortable change or an uncomfortable change largely depends on several factors. One of it is the acceptance of such a situation and the other is "alternative".

If one can accept situational changes then the person can adapt to the changes easily and without much impact.
For me, I thought I followed all the rules (both men and God). I thought I can handle the situation better due to the knowledge I gained from other people's failures. How wrong I was. I got no alternatives in front of me when the situation crashed in my eyes. When there is no "alternatives", nothing to look forward to, it will create a negative and inward self-destruction.

That's my frustration and my change to the "negative" persona. My hopes and dreams were dashed and so for most people in this kind of situation are usually the "unacceptable change" of behaviour. I build my world around a dream that I had when it is gone, and when there's no alternatives (at least I don't see one), I will go spiraling down but that's just me. I know I have to go up again but the thought of climbing up, after spending so much of energy (emotionally, mentally, etc), "it" becomes a major barrier.

Yes, prayer helps and I pray every day but I believe times like these, it's outside help that is important. Think about it, I cannot get up, therefore, I need someone from outside my chaos to help me pick up the pieces. God hasn't left me but it is I who choose to be left alone, I admit that. Probably that's my character. I don't mind getting myself into trouble so long as no one else gets hurt. I don't mind getting into problems that my friends are facing and go through with them. I don't mind but what I do mind is to have other people with me when I'm in trouble. That puts me into a spiraling downward shift. I even push God away (unconsciously) from my problems (I know I suppose to go to Him instead of pushing). I treat God like my friend and so I push Him away too. Like I said before, I am like that. I could get into serious trouble with that kind of thinking. Oh well...

I wrote this blog post because I was angry (angry at myself mainly) and angry at my situation and my life. Now I'm writing a response after picking up a bit more of myself.

True I don't like the situation and I don't like being so negative but I cannot accept my old, my personal theories of life. Those theories are gone and I got nothing forward to see and that's why I am so angry. I know in future I will be sober but I also know I may not be as "cheerful" in future.

Typical sentences/phrases that I've been getting from friends:

"You have to start thinking positively. You can choose to be positive in life or choose to be negative." Hmmm…why does “choosing to be positive", sounds like another way of saying "pretending that the situation never happened". But it did happen and why pretend nothing happened?

"Forget about the past and move on"... I wish I could forget, for every little thing that comes by WILL remind me that there was a time that it happened.

"Go out and do something to make you happy", that's the problem, my happiness derived from things not by "doing something" or "seeing something" or even "buying something" (a.k.a. retail therapy). My problem is that my dreams crashed and building it again is very, very hard. The shock is something that I've never experienced it before. Doing something may keep my mind of the situation but it's only temporary. When I reach back home, I look at my four walls...that's what I see, felt and remembered that my hope were dashed and need to pick up again.

Some parts of me were asking, it is worth picking up again and start building your hopes again? Will my dreams get shattered again in future? In life, there is no certainty right? So is it worth getting my hopes up and getting shattered all over again? Will I get the same 99% complete and then got cut off? That's why it is so draining. That is why I am angry at myself and my life in general.

In time I will pick up the pieces and start re-building but I don't think I can build the same type of dream with the same level of hope and with the same positive feel. Everyone has their own theories of life due to their experiences and experiences of others and so mine is shattered and needs a re-build. That's all I can do and since the situational changes me, my re-build (I foresee) will not be as "happy" or as "positive" as what I had intentionally.

However (have to write something positive here otherwise I'll never hear the end of it), life is also unpredictable, may be, just a 0.0000000000001% chance that I may find something along the way to inspire me to re-built my dreams and be equally "positive" or "happy". Who knows? Until that chance comes along and changes me, I'll just do it "my way". Anyway, I'm just expressing my anger and my thoughts for now.

Brian. Over and out.

Nice guys...do finishes last

2009-02-17T13:08:00.002+08:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nice_guy

Nice guys finishes last, that was the saying that I want to erase in my life but I couldn’t and fail and failed badly. I keep thinking that being a nice guy in a world that scoffs at nice guys is the right thing to do since there are so little nice guys out there. However, I find it tough being a nice guy and it really does not pays. Ideally that what everyone likes but realistically speaking, it can never satisfy the requirement of being a "man" in this day and age.

Girls like nice guys. That is for sure but they never like nice guys in the long run. In the short run it is good to have a "nice guy" but in the long run, women just get more depressed being with "nice guys" (most women I believe feels like that). Why are they depressed with "nice guys"? This is what I get from girls (my own but small and quick research) when asked what their perception of “a nice guy” is.

nice guys are boring
too predictable
too soft
not adventurous enough
not aggressive enough
dependable but usually last to be called
etc

So there you have it, the negatives of being a nice guy. It is an irony since there are so little nice guys out there and more people likes nice guys but being nice is just an illusion that people would take you seriously in the long run.

My conclusion? If you are a nice guy to begin with, you can continue to become a nice guy and your life will be as mundane (ordinary sense) as ever but your dreams will never be fulfilled. If you change from a nice guy to a “nice guy with an edge” is best but what is that edge? I’m still wondering what that means. Mysterious? May cause suspicion in the long run and thus causing some distrust. Nice guy that is tough? May wrongly show you at times and you’ll lose the nice guy image. Aggressive? Geee... don't know about that one. Guys who knows exactly what they want? Sounds like another word for stubborn.

"Finding the balance" is what people say to me. It may be true but what is the balance between "nice guys" and "not-so-nice guys" or even the "bad boy" image. Finding the balance is a cliché, for it is an answer that is true and yet cannot pin-point the exact answer for it.

"Be who you are" is a funny answer don't you think? The irony of life is that life is ever changing and if you don't change, you're left behind and if you do not change then you'll always do the same old mistakes. When you do change, friends and families would come to you and tell you not to change and just "be who you are". When you find that your life is as miserable as before and you wanted to change to overcome those areas you don't like and these people would come up to you and say, "just be happy with who you are". What they wanted to say is "I like you just the way you are". Yup. Unfortunately, I don't like being where I am or I don't like being "Just the way I am"; taken advantage of, being laughed at, etc.

For my new rule in life, if you don't like who you are, change. To heck with the people who tells you that "I like you just the way you are". If they are true friends, then they'll catch you when you try to change. Even if a person changes and turned 180 in life and falls (stepped into the "dark side"), it is their decision and friends, especially true friends, will always be there to help you to change back or even to find a balance.

Changing from a “nice guy” image to a “not-so-nice guy” is tough. Tough on you as a nice guy and tough on your old friends, if you do want to move into this direction, better find new friends because your old friends may think you’re doing drugs or something.

Okay that's enough from me for now. I know it sounds like an angry post and it is slightly so (at least I am honest).

Over and out.

January 20th, 2009

2009-01-20T17:43:00.002+08:00

Today is just like any other day and I went about doing my work as a trainer. I find that today I was better in terms of handling the participants. However, it was negatively accepted. What I wanted for the participants is to remember the information and not just memorizing or worse, don't want to remember but only wants the answer for that moment. My goal is to have the participants remember the information. All I did was to point the answers from the books; information is in the books as I didn't pluck the information out from the air. I made them read the books as the books were theirs and by doing so, they may remember through experiences by visual, touch, etc. My methods may be crude in their eyes but they never see the results.

After thinking about it. I think this job is no longer suitable for me. I have killed what I have enjoyed (in my eyes). I have become someone that is ineffective in delivering (in their eyes). Perhaps it is time for me to move on. To where? I have no idea yet but not now. I still have objectives to meet. I still have two more hurdles to leap over before I hang up my license to teach.

It is the end result they don't see. I believe what they see is a horrible trainer. I suppose from the "customer's point of view" they are right. If they cannot understand/remember the information given, then I have failed. By that, they are right and I am wrong.

Oh to be passionate about teaching is tough. I want to swing my sword from one end to another without fear. I want to push them to newer heights, to bring them to a higher level of understanding. How I wish I could. I have failed as a trainer without a doubt. Even with proper technical backgrounds, the delivery is important and I have failed the delivery portion.

I'd remember when I was a younger trainer, in another company, with another "brand". I'd remember I was a young pup with very little knowledge and my deliverance was good as I was talking in simple terms but "substance" was very much lacking. I was banking on my deliverance to gain points and I did. Now, after years of accumulation of "substance", I lost my "deliverance". Why is this happening? I don't know. Probably because I wanted to impart all I know to them. Pushing, rushing and when the day ended I would ask myself, "for what?" They don't look happy and neither do I feel happy. My passion in trying to teach, impart knowledge was more than they could absorb. I have failed. So many years I was without "substance" and now, when I do have "substance", I was trying to push to them the same information/skills that I have gained. A waste. A huge waste of effort in my part. I have failed.

I would like to find a balance in pleasing the participants and for them to gain knowledge in return. I wish I could but I could not, I have failed. Yet, in all my failures, I am still here in this line of work. Funny, no? I no longer have the drive to teach fully as today onwards, I'll keep a conscious mind that there is no point in pushing. Pleasing the participants is the most important in my line of work. I remember what my senior told me a long time ago, "Impart 40% and make sure they remember 90% rather than imparting 90% and only remembered 40%."

The values looks the same but it is not. The participants would "feel" as if they are much better when they first come in (if adopting impart 40% while remembering 90%). The particpants would feel that they have gained and thus feeling good. However, if I were to adopt the second method (imparting 90% while they only remember 40%), the participants would feel they have not gained anything. By delivering at maximum knowledge possible, it would be very impratical too as the participants could not/would not be able to retain it. How I wish I could swing a full swing and swing to my fullest and hope they may gain all of it. How I wish indeed.

Yes, everyone has his/her own learning pace but my heart, filled with passion, cannot contain such knowledge and pushes me to impart my knowledge. My own heartful desire is my own poison. This year, I hope that I would kill my passion in training so that I could continue my journey as a trainer for a short while more. I cannot find solace in knowing that one of twenty participants could gain all that I wanted to show. I cannot hope that one of twenty would be able to see what I am doing. I must "hold back" and ensure they would remember 40%. I feel that I am cheating by doing so but I must do it for the sake of my job and my frustration.

Peace.

Over and out.

Starting Again

2009-01-07T11:59:00.003+08:00

This is Brian Chew, reporting in January beginning of the year of 2009.

It has been too long since the last owner wrote anything on this blog. The last entry recorded for publicized ariticles and/or thoughts was dated on 20th of April last year. There were some unpublished written pieces but were held back from publishing due to incomplete writings or completed articles that were unsure what consequences would it have if the articles were to be published out.

Since the last published article, the owner of the blog has pretty much left it all alone till now. Some have asked, what cause the owner to start publishing again? This question was brought to the blogger Brian Chew's attention.

The returned blogger responded with, ""To answer the question what caused me to start writing again, the question of why I started the blog and what caused me to stop needs to be answered first."

Continuing he said, "Initially, I believe that I could express better in writing. I could formulate words and sentences and describe those thoughts and feelings much easier in writing than I do on the spot. I have lost the touch last year and felt that I've lost the desire to write anymore. Now, I have more time and with new experiences that I have gained, I found the desire to write again."

Adding to that he said, "My writing skills were not so good to begin with and after leaving my blog for so long, it has gone beyond rusty. My objective is like to try to be better in writing articles that could/would express my feelings and experiences in exact words. The bonus part is to have comments left behind by the readers. Now, as I looked at some of my previous written articles, it was indeed better towards the last few published articles than the earlier written ones."

"Now to answer your question of what caused me to start writing again. It's because igne natura renovatur integra (through fire, nature is reborn whole). I've experience some things in my life that I want to share and my desire to write was reborn due to these experiences and so I re-start my blog again." He concluded with an apprehensive smile.

It is to note that the owner of the blog has many friends before and some of these articles were written about them or of them. These articles could impact positively on one and may cause a negative impact on the other. Such is the nature of these kind of writings published in internet.

What articles would blogger Brian Chew publish in the following articles for year 2009 is anyone's guess. However, there is one known fact, he is not as fearful to publish as before. Stay tuned to this blog to find out.

This is Brian Chew reporting on the returned blogger Brian Chew owner of My Ramblings at http://mygrumblings.blogspot.com.

Over and out.

Yuck Berries

2008-04-21T13:48:00.007+08:00

I wrote this piece and showed it to someone and then was commented that it was written too dark and thus missing my point. So I re-write it and send to some MORE people and seemed that it is okay. So this is the piece.

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I sometimes wonder if people could see through me "yuck berries" (a term that I've learnt in a training seminar - many, many, MANY moons ago, just after I reached puberty). Yuck berries, if I can recall, is a term use for "ugliness of the heart". Just like your arteries being blocked by your "bad" cholesterol, "bad" personalities also clogs up your good heart (referring personality and not the blood pumping muscle).

"He is a good person = he has a good heart."

I have heard about those lines and more. These people felt "touched" by the other persons' actions and felt some "warmth" within their own hearts. Nice. Only problem is, is that the only measurement? What else? Perhaps. I don't know. I've seen people that have "good hearts" with "bad intentions" and also vice versa. However, I am not going to talk about "good hearts" vs. "bad hearts" but more what is "yuck berries" do to a "good hearted" person.

The “yuck berries” is, as said earlier, like your bad cholesterol. Things like your mind (thinking), your actions (decisions), your personality (behaviour), and other components that make up "your-individual-self", is generating the "yuck berries". If you have good mind, actions, personality and others, then you have little "yuck berries" and thus little to worry about. The "yuck berries", is never 100% gone. Just how little or much is it. No man (or woman) is perfect. Just like a normal, "healthy" body, the amount of cholesterol is equal to how many good cholesterol and how many bad cholesterol is in your body and you cannot remove ALL bad cholesterol, just controlling, reducing the bad ones while leaving the good ones roam free in your body.

The worrying part is when your "yuck berries" becomes uncontrollable, becomes too much. It will "clog" up your "heart" (referring to mind, actions, personality, etc) and covering it and made it "black". Your "good" heart is still there, just covered. However, if left uncontrolled even more, the gunk that covers it will cast a shadow that is so long and so big that you cannot escape unless you go to another country or die (by nature, murdered or self).

Your good natured heart will be covered if you have accumulated enough "yuck berries". Corruption of a person's nature doesn't happen overtime and is very, very subtle (but I am not going to talk about that point though). What made a God-fearing, wife-loving, church-going, law-abiding man (or woman) fell from grace and became a "bad" man (or woman)? Affairs, greed (money), position (power) and many other factors are involved in the “construction” of the “yuck berries”.

I often wondered why King David fell so badly. He was at his height of his power. He has lots of wives of his own. Yet, he couldn't help it when he saw Bathsheba, who was also married (at that time ) to another man. David covets, had affair with Bathsheba (thus breaking his marriage covenant with his other wives and God), and plotted the death of Bathsheba's husband (thus committing the sin of killing). I will not go into a debate about King David but just to serve as an example. After all, King David was known as "the man who is after God's heart" and YET he failed at a point, though later recovered but most people ONLY remembered that “bad” point in his life.

In connection to the "yuck berries", King David's God-fearing heart was covered and covered deep enough that his "God-fearing" heart was no longer in control over his life. The “yuck berries” were in controlled BUT that does not mean that King David's original God-fearing heart was gone. I do not believe that a "good man" can become a "bad" man and lost his "goodness" completely. I never believe that; somewhere in there, deep behind the "yuck berries", lies his heart.

"I felt the goodness in you", Luke Skywalker said to Darth Vader (his father).

I am not here to talk about pushing away the "yuck berries" to reveal the true heart below. That can be from a religious point of view, counselling point of view and many others or even combinations of the methods. What I am writing is the effects of the "yuck berries" AFTER (yup not during) the heart is cleared of it.

The problem being human is that most (about 95%) people remember bad stuff more than good, and sometimes only the bad. A "changed" person, i.e. “yuck berries” not covering the heart anymore, WILL always be looked upon, stigmatized and TREATED as when the person is discovered with "yuck berries". Here, I am talking about if a person wants to change, tries to change and changed, somehow or rather, the person is STILL branded with "yuck berries". It is very hard to break that perception of others. I even dare to say "impossible" for some people to change that perception.

The "yuck berries" are gone, the "good heart" returns BUT the people does not change their views. I can understand yet I find it hard to accept the reason why people cannot change their views. Remember, I am talking about a good-natured person that turned bad and then good again. This means that the surrounding people knows that he/she was a good person originally and later turned bad and turned him/her down when he/she is trying to be good again. I find that hard to accept. I have no arguments if the surrounding people do not have a "good past" to compare with and so cannot do a comparison. From that point of view, I agree with “rejection”.

A convict became an ex-convict trying to find a new "beginning" to forget the bad past is abandoned by people that he "knew" before. I know and understand that "trust" is gone. But is it? If it is gone, why cannot it be "re-created" or "renewed"? After all, zero trust was gained initially too when a relationship (friendship or otherwise) was first discovered and formed. What has he/she done that deserves nothing but "a cold death". Short of "life destroying" stuff (rape, murder, physical/mental abuse, etc) is there any hope of forgiveness and a possible renewal?

A moments' of the person's life was covered by the "yuck berries" and thus cause the heart-felt disturbance by relationship(s) of his/her love ones, families and friends. That "yuck berry" moment, also may destroyed his/her reputation/friendship/career/life. Isn't it enough that he/she has suffered and now trying to come back to the people that he/she is trying to proof that the "yuck berries" are gone?

The question often thrown back is, "how can we trust him/her again?" or "how do we know that he/she is changed?" My answer is a question for that question, "how do you know that he/she is NOT changed?" Follow that by, "have he/she done something so grave and bad that he/she cannot be accepted into the circle of friendship yet again?" Remember, I am talking about person that had pushed the "yuck berries" away and WANTED to return back into the circle.

So what about me? If anyone knows me, then would know my answer. I tend to forgive others quite easily. Unless it is a grave "sin", I usually forgive and embrace easily too. Yes, by doing that I also allow myself to be trampled on with by the same person stabbing my heart a few times and more but I always use myself as a measurement to learn to forgive. Yes, I done things that I wish I could turn back the clock and change my decisions/acts/words otherwise but it is in the past and the “yuck berries” cleared. How unfortunate for myself that I cannot forgive my own "self" as easily. It is me, it is myself that I cannot forgive. My circle of friends? I don’t know…most of those that I did wrong, still gives me the “branding”, at least from my perspective of them of me. What do I think of this? Hmmm… it will be another session.

This is Brian. Over and out.

Win some...lose some...

2008-04-09T09:22:00.004+08:00

I, like most of you readers, met lots of people through out our lives. Some of these people have become acquaintances and some developed into friends. In those circle of friends, some have moved into our lives even deeper and become close friends. In the "best friend" category, some people do have it and some don't. I once asked an acquaintance of mine about the "best friend" concept. She shook her head and tells me she doesn't believe in the "best of friends" concept. I understand and accept and after all, there is nothing wrong with believing or disbelieving that concept.

A slight difference in substance in knowing made the distinction between a stranger and an acquaintance; personal information. For me, I would declare a person is an acquaintance if that person knows who I am in person and pretty much general information and nothing more AND I know that person in pretty much the same manner. I would NOT call that person an acquaintance IF I know that person and general information but that person doesn’t even knows my name. It is like Obama/Clinton and me situation. I know everything that is able to know from the internet about that person but he/she knows squat about me.

The closer layer of my life would be friends. These are the people that I care up to a certain level and share with (share my laughs, my joy, my intelligence (artificial if you ask me personally and some of my personal life). Sometimes I wish I could share more stuff with these people and would consider them as close friends. Unfortunately (or is it fortunately) you have to be careful with your friends (hence the phrase “choose your friends carefully).

Though sometimes it may not be intentional, I may have left the people from my "Friends" group out from my “Closer Friends” group. Most of the time, I feel bad. Most of the time I feel that I am the one suppose to call them, establish a better relationship and etc. Feel like I’m letting them down somewhat. But I never do it intentionally. Yes, I do admit that I screw up in some friendships. I am not proud of that. Sometimes I just wish I could turn back the clock but reality strikes in and we just have to move on. To those friends, I only wish for your forgiveness. I screw up, not you. Off hand, there are three that I could clearly remember. The others, I can’t or didn’t realize it. I’m sorry once again.

Well I guess the next category of “closer group of friends” is self explanatory. Almost anything, everything could be shared in this group of friends. The only thing is (for me per se) is that I talk certain topics more intimately to one than the other. I glad that I still have some of these group of friends who laughed with me, shares my pipe dreams, my lame jokes, serious matters and whatnots. It is to these groups that I fear that I would lose the most. I fear of losing my friends in the “Friends” category too but I fear of losing “Closer Friends” category even more.

What fears me most are those friends in the “Best of friends” category. These people I would even sell my kidney for them (just don’t push me into doing it okay guys). These people know who I am referring to.

However, no matter what category of friendship the friends are in (except for “Strangers” and “Acquaintances”), I always try to help them. As much as I can and the limits of which depends on the request but I always try. That is a promise I give.

Anyway, I’m getting all "emo" now after reading what I’ve wrote and so I’ll be signing off for now.

Brian Chew over and out.

Badminton...my game

2008-04-07T12:00:00.003+08:00

Badminton has been top of my favourite sport ever since I watched on the television when I was a kid. I'd also participated in one or two competitions where I was a champ for my category and my group (was a kid then, about 8 or 9 years of age). Now, with YouTube I am able to watch the matches that I had missed. The ones that I keep watching over and over again was the doubles match between Malaysia and China (Tan Boon Heong & Koo Kien Keat versus Cai Yun & Fu HaiFeng) in the All England Badminton Open Championships in 2007.

Badminton in Malaysia has been a local favourite sport for quite a while. It has always been the top three favourite (and Malaysian players (either of doubles or singles category) are often the top three in the world too. Sadly, football is the favourite sport (most talked about, most highlighted and irony is Malaysian football team is nowhere near the top 100 (last I checked was down to about 170th in the world's ranking). Here we have people playing the sport everyday in the game halls, the parks, at home and players representing Malaysia is among the best in the world and yet football is the one that is the main sport of conversation.

I hung my badminton racquet when I picked up yet another racquet game; tennis. It was the "in" sport at that time. I guess I was amazed at how Boris Becker won the Wimbledon as the youngest player to do so (record still stands till today), at the age of 17.

I never picked up a badminton racquet again not until I was working....about 18 years later. It was more like a group event but I enjoyed it once again. The second love for badminton stirred once again in my heart. I began to play a bit more earnestly and felt good. Though I know I lost all my skills and started from scratch again, I truely enjoy playing badminton again. Soon after I had started, I had to stop. A little over a year later, my badminton buddies weren't interested anymore. Various reasons include cost, lost of interest and futsal (indoor football) became increasingly popular.

So I hung my racquet once more. My waist-line grew. Then I found another group a couple of years later and I was thrilled once more. I found a group that I could fit in. Previously, I hung around the badminton courts around my area but to join a ready-formed group is quite tough. Most players are friends and acquaintances. It would be tough for a stranger to join. I am good but not that good and to join in a wrong group could leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

If the group is too good, and if I did join in, then the group would be disappointed if I am not up to their standard of playing. This means, out of courtasy, they need to reduce their standard of play just to allow me to fit in or they would ask me to leave. Most of these players are badminton enthusiasts that push themselves to their limit every single time they step on the court and with the years of playing in such a mental condition, they have developed their skills and have an uncanny playing instinct. Though their method/strokes of playing is unorthodox or just plain wrong, their years of experience allows them to give a good fight in some situations. These players only loses to thos with proper training and with some years of competition experiences.

Most players with competition experiences and/or proper training wouldn't allow the enthusiasts to play with them. They belong to a different league altogether. It is not discrimination per se but it would also be pointless if anyone else with lesser ability to join in to play with them. Any lesser player would find it difficult to keep up the morale after finding it out the hard-way. I played with these players before and was very demoralizing. I felt these players gave a few points away to me just to let me have a bit of dignity of not losing completely. I thank them for the few meager points given.

Then there's the other group. The lets-play-for-fun group. I do not mind joining these groups at all. In fact, I often give the points or give easy shots in most games I played with them. However, there is a huge drawback. You will find your skills have stunted and/or degrading. I once played with these group for a while (about half-a-year) and was invited to play with the other more skillful group, I had a terribly hard time coping with their shots. It is not that the players are good but more like I was bad.

Somehow I manage to find a group that is more to my liking. At least I could give my best and feel good without losing too much or in some occassions I even win a round or two. So now I am happy with it. Then I sometimes would go and play with yet another group that asked me to join them. This second group is more of "lets-play-for-fun" group. So I usually take it lightly. I feel bad at times because I feel that it is very lob-sided; I usually would win if I am not careful. When I play with this group, I often give easy shots for the players to return (sometimes I do admit that I can be over confident and still lose). Most of the time I don't play to my fullest but at least I got to play with them. For that I am happy.

One Mac to order...

2008-03-13T10:54:00.002+08:00

My computer monitor finally died. After 10 long years, the 14-inch CRT monitor gave its last performance and died. Power was there but there was no visual output. I had expected it to last 5 years but it lasted 5 more. So I'm happy with it. However, it also tells me that I need to buy another computer (whole set) too. I bought the computer set 10 years ago. For a computer, that's ancient.

My computer was bought more than 10 years ago when AMD was still selling its K6III chips. I had lots of problems with it and upgraded it two years later when I had some extra cash. So I've been using the 8-year old desktop till now. I would continue to use it if it wasn't for the monitor failure. How did I manage to keep my monitor from "dying" earlier? I set my monitor's resolution to 800 x 600 for most usage except when playing computer games where it would go up to 1024 x 768.

So what's my new machine going to be? I'm going for Intel this time. Not because I dislike AMD just that I have to think about my sister. I'm sharing the computer with her and so I need it to be easier for her to use. So I'm getting a Dell machine. Simply because Dell gives the 3-year service deal and so when I leave it for my sister, any problems, just call Dell. I can use the desktop or I could use my company's laptop. So I'm purchasing it mainly for my sister.

However, if I have my own way and some bit of cash, I would prefer a Mac. Yup. I prefer a Mac. Mainly because I am into photography now and it is recommended by many that Macs have better programs (applications) and handles graphic well (even on a lower specification Mac) than a IBM-PC compatible running on Windows. Then the other issue may come up that I don't like. Many of my old games runs on Windows and I still play those older games (for the heck of it). So if I were to use a Mac, I can't play those games. Yes, I know, Mac also runs Windows. I am not sure on the compatibility and the performance since the games are built according to the native platform initially.

Having those problems, the only way I see it is to have both machines. Sigh. If I have the money, I'll get one IBM-PC compatible running on Windows and another one running Mac OS. One to go internet and play games and the other to do photo-editing. Thus, my decision, get the IBM-PC compatible first as my sister wants to go internet and secondly, my photo-editing skills sucks and so I'll postpone the idea of having a Mac first.

I've always wanted a Mac...good time to try. Near future but not now. :)

From 500, to 600, to 800 and now 1000.

2008-03-05T13:02:00.002+08:00

I realized that Esther needed a camera of her own. I had mine. I currently am using a D40 (Nikon). I love that camera so much. I wish I had more time with it. The thing is by the time I finished my work and go home, it is already dark and I can't do practice shots in the daytime. The weekends would be tied up with other things and yes, I do get some time to do daylight photography. I've learnt lots from my D40 and almost everyday I find new, practical and interesting feature/fuction/photography skills to develop. I was so ready to buy a new flash for my camera so that I can practice my photography skills of using a flash (one of the more difficult skill to master I would think). Then it dawned on me that Esther needed one too. So I had to postpone my flash to get a camera for her. It is good for her to have one anyway.

The old digital compact is fuctioning somewhat. It still works but you can't do anything with it. It fell and the LCD cracked. She was thinking of reparing it. I feel that the camera is too old to use and its functions lacking. It was a Canon Powershot S30. Yeah, pretty old. It is the battery that made the decision whether to repair it or to chuck it. I chose to "chuck it" because of the battery is difficult to get new ones and with the old one, after a 20 shots with flash, it indicates that the battery is running low on power.

In comes the new IXUS 70 that I bought for her. Initially, she was telling me that the most she wanted to spend on a camera was 500 RM. So I set out to look for a camera for that budget. The more I look and the more I check the ones in newspaper and brochure, the more I know that 500RM ain't going to make it. So I said, perhaps I would increase it to 600RM. Not a single difference. So I said, oh well. I'll push it to 800RM. Now we're talking.

I went to a few camera shops around my office place and didn't quite like those shops. Nothing wrong with the camera but the shops tend to be a bit pricy. One guy was telling me about MegaPixels and so Brand X/Model X has these amount it is a definate choice. I just look and said, MegaPixels is just in my way. I am more interested in the colour produced and not MegaPixels. By the way, you can read this site, on MegaPixel myth 1, and here on MegaPixel myth 2. Or just do a "Google" search on Megapixel myths. The sales person just looked at me and gives me the "I-know-these-stuff-more-than-you-do" look.

So I landed my hands on a Canon IXUS 70. I was told it is to be discontinued soon. So shall I wait or buy? The more I held, the more I see the result and compare it with the other brands/models, the faster the decision I made. I bought it.

Last Christmas I got the D40, everyone said it was a crappy camera and scoffed at it (loudly). They also suggested me to purchase the D40X that is much better since it has 10.2MP compared to the D40 that has only 6.1 MP. Not to mentioned that the D40 is going to be replaced soon (at that time we didn't know what it was) with a new model (now we know it is the D60). I just smiled. The D40 that I am having is great and more than my expectations. The newer model, D60, has even poorer reviews than the D40 in terms of "value for money".

So taking that into consideration and looking how people judge the IXUS 70, I think I did not make a bad choice. It looks good, feels good in my hands. The other models or make are good (don't get me wrong) but some of those didn't have the feel or the feature that I wanted. Some models/make feels like a cheap, plastic toy and I didn't like it.

I got the IXUS 70 for 800RM, plus a 2GB memory card (on top of the 32MB memory card) and a leather pouch. So in total, 999RM (just one RM shy of the 1000 RM mark). Admittedly I didn't get a "great" or even a "good" deal but on the whole it was a "deal" for me. Now, thinking back, I should have haggled with them for a LCD protector (remembering what had happened with the old Powershot). Oh well, now I'll go and find a LCD protector then.

So now I got a new camera for Esther. How then could I tell her that I've doubled the amount that was set initially. Of course I could justify it with all the good stuff (better to have a good camera and take great pictures than to have a lousy camera taking crappy pictures) but she will argue with "I-dont-think-it-is-necessary" points. I was thinking if only I could use the "Jedi mind-trick" and with a wave of my hand I would say, "It is only for the better. It is justifiable".

Brian Chew over and out.

What I've discovered

2008-02-12T10:47:00.001+08:00

I have discovered that:

1. I appreciate music but I cannot be part of it.

I've learnt that I really appreciate music and even had some knowledge about music (for a person that hasn't picked up a music instrument seriously, I'm not bad). I'd even know what's an oboe and how does it looks like and the importance of it in an orchestra (all instruments must tuned to this ONE instrument). I also know the classifications of type of an instrument such as "brass", "woodwind", etc (not bad for someone so techie and not a musician). King of musical instruments is the organ (not body parts as one of my friend's guesses).

Alas, I am not good in picking any instrument up. I can't. Tried but can't. Some people has it but I don't. I have a nice enough voice (meaning I can sing in tune, not enough for American Idol though) but I cannot hold/grasp the rhythm and beat (my major flaw). I can't get it. Even in choir I would a split second late (because I am waiting for the person next to me to start). I guess that's my weakness in music.

2. I lack right brain usage.

I seem to use most of my left brain more often than I do with my right brain. I did a test once and it declared that I am a 63% left brainer. Seems to me that I need to "exercise" my right brain a bit more. Having a hobby is good but I need to get a hobby that allows me to develop my right side of my brain (assuming if I have a brain in the first place). So I've picked up photography. Hopefully it will help me to develop my right brain more.

3. A smile on your face does wonders.

I now try to put up a smile on my face whenever I can. It does help me. Even when I am down, I would try to put a smile on my face. When I do this, I feel more optimistic and I feel lighter in my mind and heart. Feels great and my outward appearance is also less gloomy. I do try to smile more often now. By being optimistic, I find every gloomy day more bearable.

"
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

"

Words by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons and Music by Charlie Chaplin.

This is Brian. Over and out.

Pondering Still...

2008-01-29T09:25:00.000+08:00

I've accumulated about eight(8) topics to post but I haven't edited the topics and some have yet to write the content. Every time I have a topic in mind, I would then write a few points in a text file to be reviewed later. I would then work on the points and the topic to be posted. However, the time spent to write, edit, re-write, edit again, (wash, rinse and repeat) is a fair amount. I want to write a good piece before posting and would make sure I got all the points that I wanted to say, exactly what I mean. I hate to write something and then got it misinterpreted or misconstrued. So it's not that I'm lazy just that I have other things on my mind. Oh well....

Back to today. Just want to post about my happy feelings today. I had a good night's rest and feeling really good...sleeping early is definately a good thing. :)

It's 2008 not 2001

2008-01-17T08:47:00.000+08:00

I just received a call from my girlfriend, Esther. She had some problems with her notebook computer which is running on Windows XP. As I talk to her on the phone, I realized that her Windows settings was a "little" different from mine. I realized that the "Start Menu" settings was set to "Classic Start Menu". It irks me so. It's 2008 and not 2001 (when they, the Microsoft Corp, launched Windows XP).

Esther had her computer restored after a hard drive failure. The technician repaired the damage by replacing it with a new hard drive. It also requires the technician to re-install Windows XP on to the new drive. What that technician did was correct and he/she did follow the SOP (Standard Operating Procedure). The only thing he left out is he set the Windows settings to “Classic Start Menu”. That is so…so…long past.

The Windows XP has that “Classic Start Menu” setting to help computer idiots (like me) to find our way around and do things (changing settings and other configurations) like the older method (which is Windows 2000 or Windows ME). Microsoft was “kind” enough to let us users to use the older method of doing things while the users continue to go about their business. The users would and should move on to (explore and use) the new features and layout. Remembering the days when Windows 95 first came out and it took a while for us users to get use to the features and “how to do things” from Windows 3.1 (or Windows 3.11).

That was then and this is now.

Here we are in 2008 and still some of the Windows users are not using the “new” (by now it is old) settings and features. Windows Vista is already out and with new features, layout and everything else (a whole bundle). Why are these technicians still going around using the old layouts and features? I just don’t get it. I mean shouldn’t they have enough experience to us the new layouts, settings and “way to do things”? Windows XP is old, it has been on earth (launched on 25th of October of 2001) over 6 years ago (6 years 3 months and 8 days at the time of this writing). What on earth are these technicians doing? I wonder.

I haven’t tried the new Windows Vista yet (didn’t find the need to do that) and when I do, I’ll go straight to use the new features/layout and not trying to figure out the “older method of doing things”. :)

Anyway, here’s to us…looking forward and not backward and trying to say “those were the days and the ways of doing things”. Try not to tell kids or the younger ones about how “back in those days, we had to…” but try to see from a newer perspective. It may just be a pleasant surprise.

Brian over and out.

Streets of London: Nice but sad song

2008-01-08T10:57:00.000+08:00

I was listening to Debbie Gibson's songs and stumbled onto her singing Streets of London. Then I went and search for the singer that made it popular. It's also on YouTube. Here's the link.

-----------

Artist: McTell Ralph
Song: Streets of London
Album: Streets of London

Have you seen the old man
In the closed-down market
Kicking up the paper,
with his worn out shoes?
In his eyes you see no pride
And held loosely at his side
Yesterday's paper telling yesterday's news

Chorus
So how can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind

And In the all night cafe
At a quarter past eleven,
Same old man sitting there on his own
Looking at the world
Over the rim of his tea-cup,
Each tea last an hour
Then he wanders home alone

So how can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind

And have you seen the old man
Outside the seaman's mission
Memory fading with
The medal ribbons that he wears.
In our winter city,
The rain cries a little pity
For one more forgotten hero
And a world that doesn't care

Chorus

Have you seen the old girl
Who walks the streets of London
Dirt on her face and her clothes in rags?
She's no time for talking,
She just keeps right on walking
Carrying her home in two carrier bags.

So how can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind

Things are looking up

2008-01-03T21:30:00.000+08:00

It's my first blog for 2008.

I definitely am feeling better and things are definitely looking up for me. I plan to make 2008 a good year. Though it may sound like a trivial, "same old, same old" cliché, I am planning towards that. Though I do not have any concrete plan but I am happy with that idea. After all, it is a good idea so why not? :)

A new resolution for a new year. The problem with that is most people can't achieve that. So why can't those people that made the new year resolution possible? Speaking from my experiences and speaking from what I've been told and heard, it is because of the following:

1. Too unrealistic objectives. For example, a friend of mine happens to be a chain smoker wants to stop smoking completely by end of the year. Don't get me wrong, it is a very good thing to do (saving money and improve a healthier lifestyle). However, I haven't met anyone that could do that in one single year. It's a human thing that we live on day-to-day habitually. Since we are creatures of habit, it is difficult (though not impossible) to stop within one year (with no extra influences such as when a doctor just told you that you have lung cancer) after accumulating and developing that habit for 10 years or more. So my suggestion to him is to have a more achievable objective; halve the total number smoked.

2. Too many objectives to achieve. Let’s face it. There are lots and lots of things in life that we want to do/see/achieve. However (and remember) we are only human. We can’t handle lots of things that happen (in our case, things we want to happen) in our lives. Therefore, we can do better with a little at a time. Quality and not quantity I think would be the better choice, don’t you? :)

3. Influenced by others. Friends, we have them. We learn from them and they learn from us. The problem is, we also learn bad habits from them too we were not careful. Again, no offense to friends and friendship. Plus, their New Year resolution may not be the same with ours and so if you want to make a resolution to go gym and exercise, and your friends do not have the same resolution, just go and make your resolution come true. Your friends, well, I’m sure they’ll understand. :)

4. The usual “if only I am this” or “if only I have this”. An excuse? No comment.

5. Just plain old laziness. No comment either.

Anyway, I can’t think anymore. I have a short attention span. So if I have to (really have to) write long, I have to spend lots of time and lots of focus. Each final written piece would leave me brain tired. That’s why most of the time I don’t proof read.

Oh well… Brian saying over and out.

Life and hope

2007-12-31T16:01:00.001+08:00

Something I have received in my e-mail INBOX this morning.

-----------------

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that that lit up her entire being. She said, "Hi, handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel."

"No seriously," I asked.

I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

We became instant friends. It always mesmerized me to listen to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up. At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium.

She began: "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success."

"You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!"

"There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change."

"Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do."

At the years end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

Lessons to begin the New Year:

1.. You are never too old to learn.

2.. Laugh and find humor everyday .

3.. Don't let change overwhelm you, let change help you find opportunities you may have never seen!

-------------------

Have a great next year ahead.

2007 Reflections

2007-12-28T12:16:00.001+08:00

“And in the end it is not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” -Abraham Lincoln

At the year’s end, after reflecting, I have struggled though out this year. So did most people anyway, so what’s different? I’ll give a peek on what has happened and what mine is like. You can share yours.

In the first quarter I have struggled with changes that my medication did to me. I know it did some changes in me and to me. My friends told me of my changes, even with the guys and gals that played badminton with me said that my style of playing badminton has changed somewhat. I asked them if it was better or worse, they cannot pin-point exactly but said there were noticeable changes, neither good nor bad.

But I was struggling nonetheless. Struggles during the first quarter were not as hard as the second quarter. Spending more on my medications made me more tensed as these kinds of medications cannot be bought at a local Seven-Eleven. I had to work around my budget a bit more. Mostly I have to give up the idea of savings that could be made. I thought that I could save as I am going to finish paying my car loan by the second quarter. Snigger.

At first quarter I could only pay my credit card debt less than I had originally planned because I needed the money to pay my medications. My aim for the year 2007 was to declare myself debt free (especially credit card) by the middle of the year and able to save money hence forth. My first objective failed when I started to pay for my medication. The other failures and/or disappointments are either small or “normal” in my day-to-day living.

The second quarter has one major thing that is positive; finally finish paying my car loan. That was a good thing, a big burden lifted and now I have to shift focus to be debt free. New target set: end of the year. I worked out for hours on my plan to achieve that target. I skipped most of my lunches but maintained my badminton playing and a bit of “here-and-there” but no more. Something else crept into my life: misery.

I was miserable. Slowly but surely it crept in. I became more bitter and so I behave worse. I was becoming a monster on my own. My performance at work went up in terms of technical delivery aspect. I always make sure that my information is as accurate as possible. The participants that were in my courses knew that too but I was miserable inside. This affected HOW I conduct and not WHAT I conducted. It wasn’t until the fourth quarter of this year that the bottom fell and I fell with it.

In June I went for a holiday to “try to get away from it all”. I was at a beach island with warm waters, soft sand and marine life with my Esther. Was I happy? My doctor asked me that question when I came back and had one session with him. I told him I was but was I? You can see that from that one line I wasn’t really happy and that is the truth. I was not truly happy, not thoroughly enjoying myself as I should have.

By the third quarter, I was really bitter inside. I struggled with sanity, i.e. trying to maintain my nature and mind, and this I declared the worse form of struggling. Finances and most other stuff is secondary. Once you lost your mind/self, you’ve lost your life. IMHO.

It was during this period that I was spiraling downwards. I was struggling big time here. I was struggling to be happy. I was alright financially (okay, tight but still not drowning) but with my misery, it affected my work performance. It got from bad to worse. I know that technical presentation aspect was good and the participants are not complaining about that. I was still at WHAT instead of HOW problem. Complaints accumulated silently and the floor that was supporting me was near at maximum weight.

Beginning of fourth period I was in “near disaster” level. My personality changed in my life was at it worst. Last period was worse but at this stage it went worse to even worse (it hadn’t reached the worst yet). I was applying for another break, this time the objective is really to “get it out of my system”. I failed at the final turn. It was only a week away when the floor that was supporting me caved-in and caved-in it did. Two major things happened: first, the week before I did my presentation. Technically good but the “HOW” was at its worse. I insinuating, condescending and utterly disgusting. I was terrible. If I had an instructor like I behave, I wouldn't ask him either. Many information, insights I had gained through listening to others who knew more than I. I am a good enough student; learnt quickly and followed instructions carefully. If I followed instructions and went wrong, I would know if it was my fault or where I have learned it from.

Looking back, I know I have stepped on many toes. God knows. Heck, even I know so of course God knows. The only difference is that God knows that I’ve stepped on toes that I did not know. I wish I could say “I’m sorry” sincerely and truly to those toes that I’ve stepped on. I wish they could forgive me. Guilt is a terrible thing to have in your mind, consciously or unconsciously. I wish they could but I know I deserved it…one way or another I deserved it. I know some stuff I did was wrong and I still do it. Things like I know I should not steal but yet I did it anyway. I stole a mouse (computer mouse) from my office and though it was old, I did it anyway. It was wrong but I did it anyway. Stealing is stealing, no matter how small. Even if I put the mouse back, it still happened. These “purposeful” acts, that I am flogging myself with, matters to me a lot.

The second major thing happened, happened in the course that I was conducting. I asked the group a question and was waiting for an answer. One of the participants spoke out, “It is not our intention not to answer but you seem so tensed, unhappy and because of that your face is unfriendly. It makes it hard for us to respond.”

That hit me hard like a train. So I pondered on those words during lunch. I realized that I was depressed and depression crept into my mind nearly destroyed my self. I have chased my goals and let disappointments of life making me bitter, angry and depressed. This in turn made my life in reality sucked.

As expected, my management called me in for a meeting. I know I had to face the music of all the complaints accumulated and so I did. I hardly defended myself in the meeting and acknowledged all doings (wrong doings to be exact). I know it was my fault, not environments, not anything else but moi. It was a miserable meeting but a “good” misery. I know I had to do something to stop it and hopefully I’ll find that during my break the following week.

The following week was for me to think about what had happened and reflecting on those words that the participant uttered. I thank God for that revelation. Yes it hurt to know the truth but I think I needed it. I needed to thank her for that if I ever meet her again.

I had a two day break plus the weekends made it 4 days and Christmas day made it 5. I didn’t tell my parents that I’m staying at friend’s place to “get away” though. They thought I had to work out of town for that week or so. During those days, I cried, ponder some more of those words, cried some more. I could not find anything that could “get it out of my system”. Not sports, not liqueur (no money to get drunk. Not to mention staying healthier), not anything could help me to “get it out from my system”. Tears however helped. People do tell, and tell often, others to cry it out. It works and worked for me.

So what’s in store now? Hmmm. I still have some hope left. If there is hope, there is still the “will” to go on. “Life is a journey. Not a destination – Steven Tyler”. I have fought my mental and emotional issues this year. I've settled my debts though a few hundred to pay for my credit card still, it's now manageable. What’s next in store for me next year? Don’t know but the hope for a better tomorrow is still alive. I shall and will pick up my life and continue to live. Living is what that counts right? So I choose to live and not chasing life. Chasing life is hard, better to live than chase. Till next round.

This is Brian…over and out.

Coming to the end

2007-12-07T10:02:00.000+08:00

"Every man who knows how to read has it in his power to magnify himself, to multiply the ways in which he exists, to make his life full, significant and interesting." - Aldous Huxley.

Every year by December I would reminisce and this year is no different. It is a good "habit"(?). I would say. It is a rather humbling experience. My old roommate David told me that most people do not to this simply because they don't like what they see inside their hearts.

He is quite right. I do it because I know how dark my matter is when I see inside my heart.

I choose to do it and by choosing to do it, I would know how or where to correct it. Problem is that when I do it, I may become morbid for a certain period of time. I wish I do not have to do it but I really have to. It is a personal way of doing "check-and-balance". Sometimes I miss some of the “dark side” of me but at least I will cover some of those that I DO know that it is dark.

So what have I discovered so far? Hmmm.... I won't tell you what I did for this is my own "check-and-balance" review. However, I share whatever I can as a form of release.

It is already a year since I had my ADHD medication and I still haven't told my father yet. Not yet and probably not ever. His own hard-headed makes it difficult to share. Stubborn about "saving his face" makes it really hard to accept faults of this kind. I would "shame" him if anyone else knows. Funny thing is, I have let the whole world know about my condition and not him.

Beginning of this year till late third-quarter of this year, I have noticed considerable changes. I do not know if it is the drug that I consume daily (for my ADHD) or is it just me. I have become darker and slightly bad to the point of being evil. Okay, let me explain my description of good, bad, naughty and evil.

For works of good, I would mean truly, sincerely, genuinely helping people. I had done those. One example is that I know of these two women who had trouble with their computer and I genuinely wanted to help them. I'd even stayed late at night while they were sleeping to try to solve their problem (stayed until 2:30 am). They slept while waiting for me to finish. I just smiled at the situation. I know that they are tired and I also know that they don't have the necessary knowledge/skills to help me find the problem (it was infection of the virus and needed some registry editing). There were others too.

For works of bad, I would mean selfishness or being self-centered; not necessarily being outwardly selfish/self-centeredness but in a subtle way. An example would be me looking for a ride from point A to point B. I do have my own car but I am still looking for a ride so that I could/would save petrol in MY car. Those kinds of things would be bad in my books.

For naughty, I would mean being a prankster of sorts. I would use my knowledge to irritate people knowing that it would make them feel irritated. For example there is girl I know whose name is Desby and I would irritate her by calling her "Debbie" knowing she doesn't like it. Her reply was (often nearing a roar), "My name is DESBY! DESBY! NOT DEBBIE!!" Now I don't call her Debbie anymore. Sorry Debbie, I mean Desby.

For my term of being evil, it's plain obvious. Returning something good for the purpose of hurting, blaming for the sake of blaming to get people into trouble so that one would not be blamed in return, etc…these are evil acts in my eyes. For example, early this year, I heard on the radio that on Valentine's Day, there was a prank pulled by a couple. I name them Nancy and Joe (not their real name and not referring to anyone I know...just names pulled out from the space between my ears).

Nancy and Joe had an idea, a prank of sorts. They went around in a shopping mall and spotted another couple happily holding hands, and enjoying each other's company. Nancy then walked to the unknown couple and would cause a stir. She went to the unknown guy and pretended that she knows him. In his face she shouted, "So this is where you hang out is it?! You told me that you were going to see your aunt and here you are holding another girl's hand on Valentine's Day!" She would let those words sink in for half-a-second then finishes off with "That's it between us! Our relationship is OVER!"

Nancy stormed off giggling while Joe would watch from afar and laughed at the two unknown couple. They told the radio deejay that the unknown couple had obvious arguments in public and the guy was trying to defend himself while the other girl would ignore his pleas. I would categorize this type of act as evil, causing hurt is evil. Knowing fully well that it may cause problems this is evil especially since it is an act from an adult.

Anyway, I still have my dark side to check and I'll post more of these if I have the time. It is time for me to teach now so this is Brian...over and out.

Oh no...not another accident

2007-12-03T09:33:00.000+08:00

Yesterday Sunday, 2nd December.

It was a nice, planned day from morning till evening when it all came down with a bang. What a bang it was.

Esther and I were on our way to church for the evening service. It was about 4:55 pm and the sun was turning red in the sky. I find it relieving to know that the sun was setting and the day was indeed getting cooler. It was so hot earlier in the afternoon.

We saw a traffic jam up ahead and slowed down. There was a couple of cars parked at the emergency lane and caused some disruption in the traffic flow with driving idiots looking at the damaged cars on the left lane. I then decided to switch onto a faster lane and hoping to get out of the bottle-neck. A hundred meters out of the bottle-neck zone there was some cars breaking all of a sudden (probably due to cars in front switching lanes at will).

I stepped on my breaks and immediately slowed down. Esther was half shaken and was telling me how close I was to the car in front. I did not bang into the car in front (I know how much distance I need and I know my car really well). I had about a two to three feet gap between the car in front and my car. I let out a sigh of relief. That only lasted for a second.

BANG!

Esther and I were thrown forward. Reality finally hit on me (pun intended) that I was knocked from behind. I quickly recovered from the shock from the impact and realized that I knocked onto the car in front too. I looked at Esther and she had no visible injuries. I then quickly assessed the situation in my car and steps to do, turned off my car and went out. My car's still operational with my engine and other front critical components (example my radiator) still could work as I didn't see any leak when I peeked underneath my car. My bonnet couldn't be opened for further assessments though. The back of my car had a hard blow, but my car is an older car and so it was tougher built (a plus on having an older car). My boot (trunk) could still function (i.e. open and close) though some parts of it was loose due to the impact and best of all, Esther and I wasn't hurt (physically that is).

Both drivers came out of their vehicles, with one started yelling and screaming and another was trying to look sympathetic. The driver that yelled and screamed was from the car in front of me. He and his family came out (I'll call this driver "Saga" after the model that he was driving) and pointed their fingers at me. The driver of the car that banged into moi from the back came out only to look at his car (probably shocked to find his car almost a total wreck). He was with his family too in that small car (I'll call this driver "the idiot" - after the established fact that he wasn't paying attention and that he was driving really, really fast on a traffic congested road).

Saga and his family were shocked and there was a young lady who had some physical injury on her face. Apparently her face hit the dashboard (probably from not wearing the seat-belt) and injured her lips. She spat some blood on the asphalt pavement when she came out. There was another young chap (looked like the lady's younger brother) screamed and shouted at me. How as I doing? I was calm (unusually calm) and trying to find the best way out of this (Esther was impressed that I handled this situation like that later she said). I explained to Saga and his family that I was hit from behind and took them a while to realize that it wasn't me that caused the "cause".

The idiot was trying to gain sympathy by telling me and Saga that his car is a total wreck and showing us the damage. Actually he doesn't need to show me, I could see it myself. Idiot's car was damaged quite severely (radiator's busted with hot water spewing out and anyone could see the engine lubricating oil leaking profusely and other colourful fluids could be seen flowing out). The idiot asked me why I suddenly stopped. I was trying to tell him that I stopped because the car in front stopped and so I hit the breaks. I was half angry that he asked me that question. My question to him was "why didn't YOU stop?" No answer from him. He was still assessing his car’s damage.

After 10 minutes of gathering the necessary facts/data (i.e. car plate, time of accident, etc) , I gathered the rest of my wits and told the other two drivers that I am heading towards the police station. I would see them there if possible to quickly end the sour/bitter taste. The idiot was still trying to gain for sympathy and said, "I can't drive anymore..." I just told him to call get a ride from his friends. I was half afraid that if I stayed there a bit longer, it would be my turn to scream and shout at that idiot. I was also half doing it for Esther’s sake if I end the trauma early.

I was fine. Esther was shaking (almost visibly and of course blaming me for the situation). I just looked at her and kept quiet. I don't want to push it. I'm sure it was nerve wrecking and she's just pissed and I was the only one nearby to take the brunt. So I left it be, after all, she just want to vent. I was thankful for all things and particularly thankful that my notebook wasn't in the trunk (boot) when it happened.

At the police station, I was surprised that the reporting system had changed (tremendously I might add). I had to take a number now and wait in line. I had to fill in a form with the necessary information and my particulars and handed to the officer in charge of the front desk. Then I was asked to type the report on a computer system they had setup. So I followed all the necessary instructions and proceeded to call my buddy, Joel, who were in church. I just told him that I was at the local police station. He was on his way without even asking what happened.

I saw Joel, and William was with him. I smiled. They (Joel and William) only asked me what happened after reaching here and I told them the whole story (thanks guys). I also warned them that Esther was a bit tensed ("very" is more appropriate) and asked them if they could send her home, which they did (thanks again guys). It took a bit of coaxing and firm decision making by me to get Esther to follow the guys back to her home. By the time I done all is required of me, they had returned. I told the guys that I would drive my car back to my parents’ house and they would pick me up from there. I told my parents what had happened briefly. I proceeded with my buddies to church (I was in calm but still a bit "nervy"). The service just ended when we arrived and met more friends and my pastor along the way and had my meal with them later in the evening (special thanks for Pastor Thomas and Su Xin for their accompaniment).

I had a ride back to Subang from Joel to check on Esther, and both of us watched another episode of "Criminal Minds". She was much better and she prepared a meal on her own. It was my decision to give her space to calm herself down. It was a good decision I reckoned. It was about midnight and time for me to go home for my rest. This time, Esther drove me home in her car. What a day. What a day.

This is Brian...over and out.

"Oh how I hate to get up in the morning"

2007-11-30T08:36:00.000+08:00

I wish I had more time sleeping. I woke up 10 minutes late and decided to sleep for another five (sound all too familiar?). I then found myself driving like a mad man at a legal speed to work. Driving like a mad man and at legal speed? It's just weaving and turning sharply (with indicator lights) while driving at legal maximum speed.

I tend to do that especially at roads and junctions that I am very familiar with. I would drive at maximum legal speed and dare to take sharp turns. One of the reasons for my boldness is that I have a low car. The original car maker, Mazda, built it low that it looks like a sports car at a layman's glance (it’s a sports car wanna be to some of my friends). The only other thing that boosted my confidence in taking a sharp turn is my 15-inch diameter tires (it was 14 inches originally). Other than that, I like my car to be as original as possible (“stock” as the term used in car enthusiast groups). My car is the 1989 model (original owner bought it at 1992). :)

Anyway, I reached my office about 10 minutes behind my usual arrival time. I could see my usual parking space been taken by another and so I had to park at a spot a couple of spaces away. It is still bearable though I like the other spot better. In the afternoon, when the sun is beating down on lowly us, that particular spot is shaded by the trees behind it and the building in front of it. The spot that I parked today has half the shade and so my car gets half the protection from the sun rays.

Oh well, as soon as I get my usual breakfast set, I was contemplating on whether to get another cup of beverage; i.e. coffee, or not. I was just too sleepy but I refrain myself from doing so. Concerta and caffeine combination is too tough for me to handle. I just got to get my routine right so that I get to sleep by 12 midnight or at least half past midnight.

Anyway, my class is about to start and so I’ll write again tomorrow. It’s been a while since I did this and so my thinking’s been rusty on what and how to write a piece for my blog (not to mentioned that my brain isn’t fully awake too).

This is Brian. Over and out.

A different approach

2007-11-29T08:36:00.000+08:00

Okay. I finally put my foot down and set aside a time for me to write.

My morning ritual begins about 7:30-ish. Every working day I would drive to work (25 mins if traffic is clear), put my notebook in my place and go for my breakfast. The breakfast place that I frequent is at a local mamak. I would order my usual "teh halia" (tea with ginger essence), a "roti canai" and two half-boiled eggs. I would then take my time to finish off my meal and to psyche myself up for the daily work in office. Time spent there till I get back to my class would be about 20 minutes, and with 30-odd minutes to spare. This ritual I've been practicing since two months ago and I think it's a good one. Better than the one I followed previously.

Priviously I woke up about 8:30-ish and then do a mad rush to the office only to find myself in a traffic jam and no parking. So rushed was I that I often get tensed (from the traffic, no breakfast and not able to calm myself down for the day). This would follow by me being cranky and being not able to function at optimal level. A down spiral would follow suit (not able to function well leads to being more cranky which leads to more mistakes and more cranky).

By having a new routine, I would have additional half-hour now convince myself to do something rather than waiting for time. So why not continue where I left off at blogging. :)

My only problem now is the other half of the 24-hour period. I leave office about 7:00-ish and reach home about 7:45. My dinner would soon follow and I would try to beat my sister to the computer (she would take about 3 hours online looking at pictures from friendsters/facebook/etc and writing emails). If I were to beat her to it (80% I win), I would be doing about 2 hours on Command & Conquer: Generals Zero Hour. I often take that long because I kill my computer opponent slowly (call me a sadist but hey, it's only a game. :) ). This would follow by television (if there's anything on that interest me) for an hour before I go online until bedtime about 1:30.

Hmmm...this daily routine puts me into a position to step back and look. I mean I've changed my "wake up for work" routine and now I'm trying to change my "go to bed" routine. I have to sleep early. Lack of sleep puts me into "cranky mode" the next morning. Sigh. Having said that, there's a link to this fact, and here it is: Amp Up Your Brain. Looking at the article, I would need to find at least 7 hours to sleep at night and this means, sleep early.

Alrighty then...time to work. Wooosah.

This is Brian, over and out.

During my absence

2007-08-14T11:17:00.000+08:00

It's time. Yes. It's time for me to write again. It's been too long and it's been hard on me. It being life as it is. I've stopped since last year and since I'm on medication. I've been diagnosed with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The disorder isn't dangerous, neither is it contageous but it's hereditary though. It's a little different from ADD but same drug could be use to treat both.

For me, I'm using Concerta at this moment. It's an expensive and "I-can't-get-it-over-the-counter" type of drug. I'm spending about 1/5 of my salary to pay for my drugs per month. The thing is I can't get it anywhere, not by asking at any pharmacy. In this country, I have to get it from the doctor who treats me (since it's a special drug). However, I don't really mind but it's taking a big chunk of my salary that I suppose to save for my BIG day or a rainy day. So I'm not so happy about THAT.

Since December last year, I've been taking the drug and some days are better than others. The drug gave me better concerntration in the day time so it's good. I do see some improvment in my ability to focus in my tasks at hand but it's the night that I sometimes dread. Insomnia is one of them, nightmares is another.

I seldom and almost never get nightmares before and now, it comes often. When I first use the drug, headaches came in waves. Nightmares start to crop up and almost every night. As my body gotten used to the drug, it is less frequent. My headaches are lesser too and by now, it's almost none. Nightmares lessened to somewhat but still appears at times.

Insomnia would attack me and I would not be able to sleep day or night. I tried taking naps in the day time but my brain activity was so high that I can't even sleep. The doctor says the drug would be in my system for 10 to 12 hours and I take the pills about 9 but sometimes, I just can't sleep. It's so bothersome.

I have to admit that the drug did improve my life as a whole. I'm better in handling my tasks, my relationships with many people gotten better and my temper gotten better too. Occassionally I slipped but on a whole I'm good. Much better in fact. So to weigh my pros and my cons, before and after I'm on medication, I think I'm much better. I'm usually cranky when I don't get enough sleep but because I can handle my emotions better, I can keep my "cranky-ness" at bay.

I know what some of you may ask me; whether my girl knows about it. In fact, I was encouraged by her to see the doctor. So yes, she knows about it and she finds it helps me too. My personality changes; according to my friends. I play badminton and my badminton partner even said in passing that I play differently now. Of course I didn't tell them why and in my point of view, I didn't change at all. "It's all in their heads".

Anyway, I'll try to update this page as much and as often as I can now. This is Brian. Over and out.

Something I've picked up from other people...

2007-01-26T09:22:00.000+08:00

In a relationship, guys, do try to do SOME of the following.

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1. Call her every day.

2. Always laugh at her jokes.

3. Tell her (truthfully) that you can't wait to see her again.

4. Offer her a back rub...without asking for one in return.

5. Call her just to say you were thinking about her.

6. Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she's sick.

7. Write her a poem.

8. Slow dance with her (not only on a dance floor).

9. Bring her flowers for no reason.

10. Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello.

11. Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet.

12. Kiss her in the middle of a sentence.

13. Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars.

14. Tell her something about you...that no one else knows.

15. Remind her that you still think she's beautiful.

16. Take a bubble bath together. (only if you are married)

17. Watch a sappy movie with her.

18. Surprise her with a candlelight dinner.

19. Never stop trying to impress her.

20. Tell her you love her...don't just expect her to know.

21. Never forget how much she means to you.

22. Give her great big hugs for no reason.

23. Kiss her because she wants you to SOOO bad

Adding to a routine

2007-01-16T09:53:00.000+08:00

Once you live your life you’ll find a certain pattern to it. This phenomenon is called a “routine”. Routine has become part of our lives and yet some of us, we strive not to have the same. Anyway, a continuation of my routine that has become part of my life. And this is so, right after my brushing of teeth. So I put on my working clothes. Depends on situation, I normally do not wear a tie but I bring one just in case. A black tie that should match with my pants that I wear since most of my pants is black. Going to the car, I would start my car first to heat up the old clunker. Then I pull the plug of my internet, ADSL, connection off my modem which I use to download my stuff overnight. Then I put on my shoes, by now my car is pretty much warmed up, then I would start to drive.

Tuning to my favourite radio station and listening to the latest world gossip (aka the news) and the "discussion" topic. The radio has also been part of our lives ever since it went public and people can afford it. I think it would be a thing to use and a part of our lives for sometime. One of the oldest form of mass communication technology use till today since late 1800s and Guglielmo Marconi (said to be the inventor as oppose to Nikola Tesla) probably did not expect to have radio the size of a device which can be just double the size of an AAA sized battery.

Wondering of pasts entertainment, I remembered someone use to tell me that to have a radio in the house was the best thing ever invented. Now probably the best invention for family entertainment is television. Wireless communication for the whole family from one station. As telecommunication geeks would call it simplex communication method. Radio has become THE thing of communication AND entertainment at the same time. Television has yet to come to that stage. Until then, radio seems to be the best and still standing strong. Anyway, it has become part of our lives that for some of us, can't live without it, consciously or unconsciously. Going into our car, turning on the radio. Going on-line, turning on the on-line radio. So many different invention variations came from radio too, such as iPod. Things have changed the past 100 years of its invention but much of it remains. I, for one, would like to know how long will this invention would last. Probably forever, same stuff, different form. Same or similar ingredients different taste. Inventions has become part of our lives and becomes a routine part of our lives, wondering if people notices it. As the younger generation would be surprise to know "how do you guys entertain yourself without MTV?". The answer? We have our own entertainments, to most of us, much better than your time. Adios.

End of the year reminiscing

2007-01-03T09:46:00.000+08:00

Catch up 1

I've missed out a few blogs. It's not that I don't want to update just that the earth-quake in Taiwan brought the communication line down to a near halt and I couldn't go online. I could go online just that I couldn't go to my Yahoo! mail account, and every other international sites that I normally visit.

So that brings me to my postings of three weeks all at once.

Let's see. My missing week number 1. What shall I write? I wonder. I guess everyone's idea of a blog at end of the year is re-cap all that has happened since the beginning of the year. So I'll post something from my "other" blog site and paste it here in this blog regarding just that.

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I had a problem figuring out a title for this piece since most people would say goodbye to the year 2006 and hello to 2006. As much as I can guess, a lot of people would have written or would be writing about the end of the year and what it means to them and their hope(s) for the new year. I would not be different after all blog is suppose to be your thoughts, fears, what-nots for daily /weekly /monthly /yearly experience.

How do you say goodbye to 2006? In fact, how do you say goodbye to any year at all. Let bygones be bygones. Yeah right. How do you say goodbye to any experience that is burned into your memory and from time to time you will recall THAT memory be it good or bad? We definitely would want to try to remember the good ones. Yes, I do not believe that you have the whole year round a bad time. There will be at least one or two instances where it does favour you. If it is bad, we try not to remember. Fat chance (or slim chance if you prefer). How can we then do something about the bad stuff? I believe that good or bad will impact your lives no matter what because of your memory. Humans, thank God, have limited memory and thus we don't constantly remember the bad memory so often. Some we even forget until you are reminded of the situation. This is good for some especially if you owe people money, unless you are the person to be paid back. The situation mentioned is only possible if it did not hit you hard and leaving a mark in your life that you constantly remembers. Such as when you were mugged and the person that mugged you pulled out a knife and manage to stab you, wounded but not fatal, traumatized from the ordeal you are scarred for life. You wish you could forget but you couldn't. Every time you walk, it reminded you of that incident. Every stranger that so much as glance at you, you felt the stabbing of the knife although the wound healed. How does one try to forget this? The answer? I'll tell you mine.

Forgive and forget. Phooey! No such thing exists but does it? Let's see. You can forget things that you don't like but you CAN forgive the situation that you were in. It's in human nature to blame on something. Most people blame on others, some just accepts both but less, very less, blame on themselves. In all the situation mentioned, you can, I repeat CAN forgive. Forgiving is a choice. You can choose who to forgive even yourself. In most cases, I fall into the last category as I often blame myself. I am now trying to forgive myself for the things I have done. I can be subtle in doing selfish stuff that only I would know that it is wrong. Things like asking a friend to pick me up by giving some plausible excuse and my intentions were to save my car's petrol. Bad huh? Selfish huh? Sigh. Only God and I know.

So in all cases, you can choose to forgive but with forgiving is not easy. It's easy to forgive the storekeeper for short-changing you and you do not go back but it is darn not easy to forgive the ones that you love or are closer to who had wronged you. So the solution that I often choose to use? Keep forgiving, the more often that you forgive, the easier it becomes. It's not easy but keep doing it you will find that it's easier. Most of the time, the first year (Yes, first year) is tough. Very tough. Wash, rinse and repeat then it becomes easier. With that, your memories, especially bad ones, becomes more bearable. If you do not forgive, then your memories will continue to haunt you and thus the memories /ghosts from the past will haunt you and control your lives. The method of controlling that they have on you is through fear. Fear is powerful and left unchecked, it will take hold of you can control your life. Whatever fear you currently have, already caused some changes to your life and how you live. Real fear, such as fear of death through eating nuts because you have an allergic reaction by eating nuts (I know some that they can't even smell peanut butter otherwise, they will have allergic reaction and die, very real stuff). Such real fears already controls you but these kind of fears can't do anything about it. I'm talking about traumatized fears. Fears that have developed upon experiencing something though may not happen again but could happen and you would not want to have the feeling again.

Once bitten, twice shy. This kind of fear is not real but it feels so real in your life and controls you. It is something that is beyond my scope of this blog and I don't have THAT much counseling experience in this area but I'll say this much; don't let fear control you if you can do something about it. Fear of a person because he/she has done you wrong is something that can be done and you can forgive. By forgiving, you have over come your fear or even anger that has/had control your life and when you keep forgiving (since memories will haunt you over and over), you now control the fear/anger in return. This makes it easier to bear the bad memories. Each attack thereafter will be just a short remembrance and nothing comes out of it.

Thinking back, reminiscing my past days of the year 2006, I have some good, some bad and some reliving the 2005 days. My resolution failed to mature even though I started and will carry on to the next. Hope. Hope is something I am holding on to, "it's worth fighting for" as Frodo was reminded of why they should continue their torturing journey and their reason to not give up by his faithful friend, Samwise. Forgiving will be part of my hope as I hope to forgive enough so that I will not develop fear and/or anger that will control me. I have learnt as much as I can, just like everyone else this 2006 year and will carry those experiences as my battle scars of life and can tell/show others how I live my life. These I will carry on whether I like it or not. I'll give a good fight, I'll run the race, on towards 2007.

4th December, 2006

2006-12-04T16:59:00.000+08:00

You know one of my pet peeves is going to McDonalds. Not McDonalds itself but the people in McDonalds. Not the staff, the staffs are usually nice...I once saw a nice staff that was so courteous and making sure he got the correct order (by checking it twice) for this pregnant lady. That lady was sure that her water almost broke waiting for him in the fast food restaurant. It's the patrons that I'm targeting at.

Here's the situation: one lady was in front of me. She was third in the line. She looks ahead and make sure she's paying attention so that she'll get served when her turn comes. And when it WAS her turn, she hesitated and looks at the menu placed on the counter and THEN decides what to eat. That just irks me.

She had lots of time to think about what to eat when she was in line. It's probably NOT her first time in McDonalds and how hard is it to understand the menu? I feel like pushing her to one side and say "Look lady, since you have no idea what to eat, you could just step aside and let me order while you make your final decision?" She then took her own sweet time and looked over the menu at the counter and asked questions repetitively. Why can't she see the menu that is hung over the counter for the people at the back of the line to see while waiting? I can see that you are young and do not need glasses so why can't you do that in the first place so not to waste people's time?

Sigh.

Then she decided to take the "Happy Meal" and asked for a change of items that were part of the meal. She then questioned the poor (annoyed) cashier about what could be exchanged for a cola and everything else. She also spent some time to choose what toys and would ask for a change of the toy she picked because the toy that she got had a small defect. Now, I don't blame her but please from my point of view, it's the same. All the same. Just that the toy looks flatter (to her that is, that soft toy) and so asked for a new one. It just irks me so.

Well, this is my grumbling for the week. Hang tough.

Morale, Love and Hope

2006-11-29T09:24:00.000+08:00

I've decided to permenently shut down my other, old blog, and shift its contents to this one. So I'll move one topic at a time. The thing about my other blog is that I tend to be a bit long winded. Here's story number two.

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Oh dear, it's "Update your blog" time. Hmmm.... What do I want to say this time. Work related or personal? Let's complain about work. Seemed to be almost everyone's favourite and with weB LOG, it's more like a Bitching Log to some people but it's therapeutic. ^_^.

Let's see. Work place. No. School. Yes. You see, my fellow readers (if there are any out there), the work place at my place at least has deteriorated to be a school ground. It has stooped to a lower level where everyone is being monitored or everything that you do. I mean it. How much you spend time on lunch for example. Usually at my place is very flexible hours especially on lunch. One hour but generously giving half and hour extra especially if you have nothing to do. The management is okay with that. Now, you are required to state how much time you are going to do banking, toilet, etc. Every time you use your card to swipe to open the door, it's monitored. Previously, it was there but no monitoring. That's okay to an extent but how much time you spend in toilet? Then there's the website thingy. The management is pulling all stops on Instant Messaging. No more ICQ, Yahoo Messenger, MSN or the likes. Use to be okay with that. Now the firewall is set to block all IM stuff going in and out of the network. The management also now monitor's websites. Yes, even now as I type they will be monitoring my website visits. So I'm taking a chance on this and see if I crossed the line. I know that they have warned all staffs about certain sites we visit. Their criteria is, as long as it is not business/work related, phooey, you can't visit the site. "What is this some kind of high security place?". I could understand if the business is a high security place that would require monitoring of the ins and and the outs of web traffic as a form of security protocol measure. But at a normal office? I'll let you in on another personal secret, I'm a trainer! I'm working in a computer training center! I don't need this! All my colleagues are pissed off at some of the decision made. I mean why should the management impose such high security and monitoring protocols on us when all we do is just to go for class, train the participants, then leave. Once a while we do surf the net for personal reasons. We only do that because when we have no class to train, we are going to be bored to death. Not all the time we have to do research, since the computer world is moving fast, yes we need to do some fair bit of research but not all the time. We need some breaks too. But NNNNOOOOO. The management wants us to do what they want. Work till we drop. I mean if we, the trainers, could deliver our job performance to the customers' satisfaction and fulfill the requirement of our job description, then I don't see why we can't have a bit of free and personal time in the company. Especially in a training center!?

Oh wait. There's also a limited cups of coffee, tea, beverage we could have too that is provided by the company. Weird huh? Water, how ever much, is okay. Thank goodness for that. I thought we should bring our own bottled water. All these and more is pushing my limit. Five of my fellow colleagues already left and/or handed in their resignation. I wish I could follow them but I have too many commitments. I came in here with a good feeling. In fact a great feeling. Then ever since last month, it is nearly gone/depleted. Morale is low but last week went even lower. Close-circuit cameras been placed at many areas in the premise. Not only to view who's going in and going out of the building but to monitor our movements and what we do or what we should be doing. There goes our morale. I am now looking for an alternative work place. I can't work if the management does not seem to trust our work and need to monitor us to such extent. For a training center!? Get real. Five are going out. I found out that there is no bonus too, so a sixth is on the way to that direction and a seventh is planning to quit next year February. For me? I have too many commitments, can't stay and haven't yet to move either. I really should move as I know that if I pass one more examination/certification (a requirement of course, if you are not certified then you are not qualified to train others), I will have another thing to do in this company which is a two-year bond. Yup. The word is out, the management would like to bond you for two years if you have obtain a certain certification. Two years is fine but with all these surveillance and low morale working place? I don't think so. But like I said, I can't move until I secure another job but in two months? Touch and go. I got the exam in end of Feb so that's why my other partner is leaving by February next year. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Something hit me about the truth of life. It is about love and hope. An individual would not be able to hold his/her sanity if there is no love and no hope. Hope is what we all must have. Things always gets to a point of pushing a person to the limits but there is a hope from the individual of making it better. "Tomorrow" by Shirley Temple says it all. There's always hope in all of us if we were to face troubles and Mr. Trouble always appear every now and then. With hope, then people could fight back against Mr. Trouble. Love is there because we simply needed some affection and most importantly, support. Knowing that someone still cares, makes a world of a difference and support adds fuel to hope and us being able to fight back. Trouble is there to haunt us and our morale seems to be at low point. Morale is the combination of determination, hope and love support. Morale determines our fighting spirit to be able to face. Morale if left alone, will always be high. But when trouble hits, the morale will dip very fast. The only way to come back and face the trouble is either love is strong or hope is high. If there is both a strong love and high hopes, trouble would just be like a passing fad. The other thing that may help is to have a high determination. But having determination also requires love and hope too. A man can only take so much rejection. High degree of determination means having a mental ability of taking rejection after rejection and each rejection brings him closer to the ground. Love and hope is part of this determination if you ask me. This is what I believe. Adios.

Gone mouldy

2006-11-28T09:43:00.000+08:00

I've decided to permenently shut down my other, old blog, and shift its contents to this one. So I'll move one topic at a time. The thing about my other blog is that I tend to be a bit long winded. Here's story number one.

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Nope. I'm not talking about bread here or process of making cheese. It's just that I feel that my brains have gone soft. This is bad. I mean I use to be able to think fast on my feet and able to give a logical debate of a particular subject to a good level. I look back on my blog and I find myself not able to pour out phylosophical ideas and more concrete ones as I use to. Could it be that my brains have gone soft through out the years? Parkinson disease comes into mind.

Edward De Bono and his lateral thinking is very, very good. Did I say very good? Did I say that? I'm understating the master of lateral thinking with my limited vocabulary. I mean, his words of wisdom gave me something to ponder on, something to think.

This picture is taken from google when I went searching for a picture regarding debate. I like this picture.

Anyway, I believe that my problem with thinking is, not that I lost the ability to think but, I don't have someone to challenge me and forces me to think. I'm in the academic field but a very technical field to be specific. Calculating IP subnets, defining and designing Frame Relay PVC paths, configuring OSPF running routers and the likes are my field and there is no one else to push me. Previously I know someone who calls me up for a debate. She calls me and said, "I'm bored, let's find something to argue". She and I would argue over anything from "how people believes that there is heaven but no one believes that they would go to hell?" to "what do you thnk about that commercial". I hate to admit it, but I enjoy a good argument, not because I do win some of the debates but I enjoy the challenge.

It seems that I've lost that edge. I'm trying to find it again. Pushing my mind to maximum of MY capability. I've lost it, definately. I guess I could improve my "brain power" by reading but its like trying to read on "how to swim" and be very detail about it, unless you do get yourself in water you won't be able to test your concepts. Proof of concepts. I could read other stuff by other people that are arguing and get their ideas but you would only get only get from one person's perspective. The only way to counter that is to read many other people's ideas from many other books, articles, etc. Blog included. Hmmm.... by reading what I'm writing here, I think I'll have to go back to basics. Sigh. I guess I have to shorten by time playing Command and Conquer on-line. I'm sure it would be well worth it.

Problem with people, as Edward De Bono believes, is that these people have developed their own perspectives on certain things and able to find good arguments to defend their perspectives. Herein lies the problem, their minds are then accustomed to defend the perspective and would not grow from there. These people would carry on their values/perspective till their dying day. Then the younger generations comes into life with their own but new fresh, ideas/thinking and would challenge or show that there is another view to the same point. There is another possibility. The older folks would then disagree and thus creating a cycle where the younger would carry their views and happily defends that view till a new generation emerges.

So is there a possibility that I may be suffering from that? Stuck in my perspective that I don't know how to steer my view points or to accept other view points? Perhaps my brains HAVE gone soft and mold begins to appear...slowly. Now I have to find some way to brush my spots clean and start thinking again. I have to, lest I stay and be stunted till my dying days. So till next time, Adios.

Salary...

2006-11-09T17:44:00.000+08:00

It was about two years ago when I got this file about 'salary' and I've decided to post it today. Hope you do enjoy this. It cracks me up every single time I read it.

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Salary. Which type do you associate yours with?

Onion Salary: You see it, you grab it...then you cry!

Bastard Salary: Doesn’t help you in anything, just makes you suffer, BUT you can’t live without it!

Diet Salary: Makes you eat less each time

Atheist Salary: You doubt its existence!

Magic Salary: You make a few moves and voila, it disappears!

Storm Salary: You don’t know when it’s coming and how long it’ll last

Black Humour Salary: You laugh so you don’t cry!

Conservative Salary: Takes your inspiration away!

Impotent Salary: When you need it the most, it fails you….

Menstrual Salary: Comes once a month and lasts about 3 days

Walt Disney Salary: It’s been frozen for 30 years!

Premature Ejaculation Salary: Just when it starts, it’s over!

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So what's mine? Hmmm... difficult. Probably Magic Salary. See you in a bit.

My car thus far

2006-11-07T09:49:00.000+08:00

I found out that I had more problems with my car recently. This means two things. It's an old car (14 years old) and the parts are due. For instance, my door lock installed in my car couldn't open/close properly now. The paint needs to be removed and a new coat for my car is required. I've just changed two tires (back) early this month and I'll be changing two more (for the front tires) this weekend. It's gonna be about RM$400 to change the two tires. I haven't change my tires since I took ownership of the vehicle, which is four years ago.

The second thing to point out is the amount of abuse I've inflicted upon that car could be seen now. After four years, the neglect, the hard driving could be seen clearly on the outsides. I have to admit it's one piece of beautiful machinery. It's not a Mustang, it's not AE 86 or any of the expensive models out there but it's wholly mine. My very own Mazda 323 Astina. It runs well, hardly gives me problems (regarding the engine problems). The only thing that kicked me in my teeth was two years ago when my alternator died. Had a hard time driving.

It happened when I was on my way to Jasin (a small little hick-town about 45 minutes away from Melaka town) and I was traveling about a hundred klicks (since the max speed allowed is 110). I was driving toward Jasin to eat and suddenly there was a loud noise coming out from the engine section. I also felt that I ran on top of something. I looked into my rear-view mirror and I saw a black piece of I-dont-know-what-at-that-time on the ground. I came to a grinding halt. At first I thought it was my timing-belt (worse case scenario) and so I step on the accelerator to test the engine's response. Vroom. No problem in the engine section. So I popped the hood and opened it to see what's wrong. I couldn't see anything wrong yet then I noticed that my radiator fan isn't running. I then check and saw that I'm missing a belt around my alternator. I quickly ran down the road to pickup my alternator belt. I called my mechanic, who is like 300 klicks away, and told him of my misfortune. My engine was still running at that time.

My mechanic pointed out that the alternator belt is tied together with my engine's cooling system and if I'd notice carefully, the needle of my thermostat is getting higher. I went into my car and sure enough, my car's temperature is moving steadily up. So his advice to me is to drive to Jasin and find a mechanic to fix a new belt. He asked me if I know the size and type of belt for the alternator. I told him that I don't know but I still got my hands on the old one. He congratulated me on my thinking in finding and keeping that piece. Hanging up the phone, I went into my car.

So off I went, I still have about twenty clicks more to go but I've got to keep my eye on the engine's temperature. I got to a good three minutes when the thermometer's needle is pointing at the red. So I stopped for a few minutes, wait for it to cool down a little and drive some more. There is no point in driving fast; driving fast generates more heat, so no difference. After half and hour or so, I reached a road-side mechanic that is able to solve my unforeseen circumstances for RM$100 or so.

A few months later, the alternator itself stopped functioning. I'd replaced it with a Ford's alternator and I've been using it till now.

My car is still a good car. Now to fix it to be as good as I wanted it to be, I would need to cough up a good RM$3000. RM$1600 for the paint, RM$1000 for the seats to be more comfortable and RM$400 miscellaneous. Oh well, but for now, first things first, my tires.

Slowed down...

2006-11-06T16:50:00.000+08:00

Okay folks. I have a few topics to write, mostly personal but I can't write as fast as I can. This is because if I were to write my blogs from office, I may get caught. So why I can't do it at home? Simple: my house got struck by lightning. So my phone line is dead (I hope it didn't fry my phone too) and my autogate's circuit is fried too. Let me tell you, it's very difficult (mah fan) to open the autogate manually. I can't even go on line too. Sigh. So I'll blog when everything's fixed.

It's my face you see...

2006-11-02T13:19:00.000+08:00

I don't know. I guess if there is anything about my face, I'll complain about two things.

One. I look younger than I really am. The good news I can be 50 plus and still look like a 30 plus plus guy. Problem? My future wife may kill me and may not want to go out with me anymore. Problem number two? I have to keep on showing people my ID every single time. Even now as I apporach people, they couldn't believe that a young man that is fresh out of college/uni could possibly have that kind of experience to pull anything off.

I once had a colleague, he told me that he's been in the industry for X number of years and when he was my age, he was doing... yaddah, yaddah....yaddah. I told him that I was only one year younger than he is. He was stunned. So I went and explain to him, "It's my face you see..."

In Canada I had (lots of occassions) been asked to show my passport/ID to verify my age. Sigh. I went to Singapore, they too asked me for my age. Slightly embarrassing but I can still live with that. I have to since I can't blame them and just politely tell them, "It's my face you see..."

I was standing in a crowd of 25 while doing presentation. I had enough experience and knowledge to carry out the presentation with minimal effort BUT I heard people murmurring around me. "How is it possible that a young presenter could know so much? Look at him..." I almost want to say, "It's my face you see..."

So what's the most annoying thing about my face? I still look like a young man. That's fine with me BUT what's the most annoying thing is the fact that people, once they take a look at my face, they would automatically speak English with me. It's fine if I attend some function when I know that the language medium is English but at a hawker center I don't. I would expect the local medium to use (Cantonese/Bahasa mostly). Numerous occassions when I went to the hawker center to purchase a bowl of noodles from this old Chinese guy and he struggled to find English words to converse with me. I admire his effort but the way that he butchers it, tells me that he's not comfortable talking with me in English. When I spoke to him in Cantonese, he looked surprised and then handed me my order. He's not the only one. I can speak Cantonese well enough (not well for debate but decent enough conversation). Sheesh! It's my face you see...

I also have this face, that tells people that I am "innocent". The word is "ignorent". This I am known as but yes to a certain degree and comparing with others my age, I am "innocent" and "ignorent". For the label, I am fine. It's my face you see...

To comment or not to comment?

2006-11-01T15:18:00.000+08:00

Okay, here's the situation:

There's this girl who dresses nicely and she looks good. She and this stranger are working in the same office building but in different company. The stanger is a male that she may bump into a few times before (since they both work in the same building) and the stranger noticed one thing. She always dresses well and thus looking good. The stranger was tempted to tell a compliement by complimenting on her nice dress and just look good. Problem here, in Malaysia, is that the culture doesn't seem to promote these kind of compliements.

I asked five different ladies and they all seem to give me very different answers. I got a reaction from this particular lady that she'll give a slap to the stranger, another would be totally fine, some would say how the stranger looks (if the stranger is good looking, no issues; if stranger is bad looking, well..otherwise).

It's just a simple "I just want to tell you that you look good and I think your dressing skills are really good" can be detrimental to a guy's health.

A girl dresses nicely for people to see yet we (strangers) can't give a simple compliment? Girls only wants her friends to compliement on how she looks...but why can't a stranger give a complimentary remark? A girl buys a good-looking dress, makes herself up and thus looks good. She goes into public area, noticed by many but only allows a small percentage of viewers to compliment her. Hmmm..... a simple remark could only be done if a complex ritual has been made, i.e. friendship (in my opinion, friendship is hard and complex). Sigh.

So in conclusion, guys don't bother to compliment. It's safer and healthier not to comment. If you comment once as good, they would expect you to give the same comment next time too.

I am speed...

2006-10-28T06:19:00.000+08:00

What is the difference of the movie "Days of Thunder", "Initial-D" (Hong Kong version) and "Cars" (Animation)?

I've watch the three the past month and it stuck me that I watched Initial-D the most. I've watched it like 10 times or more now. All had the same theme: car racing. Initial-D is the odd one out. What is so odd about Initial-D? It's not because it is not English but because of the story. From start-to-finish, the story of a young boy (Jay Chow) who kicks everyone's butt with his racing skills using an ol', beat-up car. In the amature world of street-racing, he pitted his car (AE-86, a Toyota model) and skills against guys with bigger, meaner and more expensive cars (Evolution, FC, etc) and won. So what's about this movie? He never lost and never had a bad situation that brings him down, hard.

In Days of Thunder, the character Cole Trickle (Tom Cruise) was high in the clouds but he came down and stricken with fear after a near fatal accident (which of course he over came the fear towards the end of the movie). As his ex-wife, Nicole Kidman, who played a part in the film as his doctor said to the infantile-ego-maniac, "Control is an illusion".

For Cars, lovely show. Nice Porche eh? I've watched it a couple of times since then too. We have "Lightning McQueen" that was so high but later came down too.

"Name me one time that you care for something other than yourself." (Quoted by Doc Hudson)

That scene was probably the lowest point in the life of Lightning McQueen.

So, all in all, which is my favourite? Hmmm..... I have to say Initial-D. I just like the story and the drifting skills using those cars in the movie looks really cool (the story is nice as well). Fast and Furious (and it's sequels) you say? Nah. Too polished by Hollywood.

The thing about my life is, have I gone down the bottom yet? Just like Lightning McQueen and Cole Trickle, they had their ups and downs but they were still high up there. When they reached the bottom of their lives, they could only go up but what about me? Have I reached my deepest yet? I hope so 'cause the only thing that looks good to me now is up.

My writings of late

2006-10-26T11:08:00.000+08:00

I know...I know... the past two weeks I've been highly irregular in writing. It's because I am getting old. Yes. Finally I am admiting to my old age and my body doesn't respond to pressure of late nights playing computer games and the likes. I have to say that I've reached my max for now (unless I could get off my lazy butt and start to do crunches, push-ups and running) as I cannot do a lot of physical activity even if I wanted to. Previously I could push myself for four hours of sleep for a total of three days before collapsing. Now I'm lucky if I can stay up for the next day.

My other physically battle is a stalemate; battle of the bulge that is. The food intake minus the weekly exercise (measly but I get to sweat) isn't doing anything, infact it just helps me lose the next three days while I get to gorge the other three days. Since I'd noticed a slight decrease three days after I exercise, I will tend to eat for the next three days and the last day I'll maintain. Sigh. Of course this is definately my fault.

My working life isn't that great but got a small raise. Isn't much as mentioned before but I could pamper myself a bit more every month. Every month, my budgeted expenditure is about RM$300. One of the lowest amongst my buddies. This includes entertaiment, food and phone (my cellular phone runs to about RM$50 per month). So I'm quite poor actually but I'm content. I can still enjoy life. The rest of my cash goes to my family (parents aren't working - about 1/3 of my pay). Insurance (health, life, etc) would be next and my car loan. I've got one more credit card to kill and with that, I've got nothing else. That's my grumbling about; nothing else, nothing left.

I can't even pamper Esther without thinking three times about my debts. The only time I could seriously pamper Esther would be the time I finish paying my car loan, which is sometime mid of next year and my credit card (I'm pushing for end of Dec and it's getting there). So right now I'm counting my pennies (or sens in my currency) but it's hard. It's hard for me who wants to give but frustratingly enough, can't give. Hence the saying "the mind is willing but the physical could not". Blesphamy. I'm quoting the Bible out of context. Ha! In the meantime, I'll wait and see. I got plans but in the making. Sounds malencholic about it? Yeah. I bet you would too if you were in my shoes. I bet you were too if you see your buddies in new houses, new cars, new gadgets, new phones, etc and you can't give one of those to your love ones.

However, I'm trying to change my thinking. I've identified more of my weaknesses lately and I promise God, Esther and myself that I'll change. So I'm trying to see that the dark cloud looming over my head and even though the light shines through it is dim, nonetheless, it's there anyway. So as long as there is light behind the cloud, I could be more patient and wait for the dark cloud to break. Oh well, as the famous saying in "Bad Boys II" goes, "Wooosah".

Speaking from experience

2006-10-16T20:53:00.000+08:00

I got these two strips from the net and I find it very true to almost everyday life as a system support engineer.

The second one is a today's terror that is so true. Enjoy.

From someone

2006-10-09T16:57:00.000+08:00

I got this from someone and I've decided to post it. I know it's a "cut-and-paste" and I'll promise to write next time.

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There are moments in life when someone is missed so much that it makes us long for them every day

Dream about what pleases you,
Go where you want to go,
Be who you want to be,
You only have one life,
To do what makes you happy.

Find on this wonderful quest of life
Enough happiness to spread it around
Enough road blocks to become stronger
Enough sorrows to keep a good soul
Enough wishes to be happy from within…

The happiest people don’t necessarily have everything;
they simply utilizes all the potential in what life has to offer…

Happiness awaits…

for all the tears…

For the sufferer…

For the one who searches…

for the devoted ones…

For the one who loves…

Because only people who care, can appreciate the
importance of the things that leaves traces in life.

Forget the past, leave behind the mistakes and sorrows

Love is born with a smile and grows with a kiss

To the one who made you see the good side of things when you could only see the not so good...

A recognition to songwriters/singers

2006-09-29T11:11:00.005+08:00

I was searching for the lyrics for "To where you are" by Josh Groban and I stumbled onto a forum. What surprised me is the number of people touched by this song. It's a marvelous song that performed by a talented, impressive singer that brings out the true essence of the song. The lyrics, combined with the voice and heart of Josh Groban, proved to me that songwriters and singers alike could still provide a channel for people who could not find words to express their deep feelings. Feelings that they now could identify by listening is subtle, yet powerful enough to move even their budensome lives. The death of love ones could not be expressed easily. This song provides a channel to express their love to the ones that were lost.

I was thinking of what to write about my 100th post in this blog but I was touched once more by this song and so I wrote a post about this song. It's something that most of us keep forgetting and you have songs like this to remind your past and get in touch with your inner heart. Stop, listen to your heart and you'll find something you have lost. A. L., if you're reading this, it's for your mom also.

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Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You'r still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dreams
And isn't faith believing
All powers can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday
Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are.

(By Josh Groban )
(Lyrics were composed by Linda Thompson)
(Music by Richard Marx)

After 10 years

2006-09-26T09:22:00.000+08:00

My gold fish finally gave it's last breath. I missed my goldfish (Carassius auratus). Sigh. It wasn't a pretty to look at. In fact, it's pretty plain. It wasn't expensive but quite the opposite. I bought it cheap. It was mine nonetheless. I took care of it together with others. I had half a dozen in all. Then one by one they died.

They were happy but one by one they died due to my negligence. I blamed myself for this for I didn't take care of them until it was too late. My first one died after jumping off from the aquarium from five feet high. The second, third and so on died because of disease. My last was the strongest and therefore last the longest. Again it died of some disease. Most disease could have prevented if I were just a bit more diligent in changing the water. Normally I would change the water every week; two weeks would be pushing it. I was a bit too lazy and waited for my third week. It then got infected and by then it was too late.

Now, my bigger aquarium is empty except the smaller aquarium still house a small x-ray species. One, just one. It use to have a pair but that other half had an inherent disease. I was surprised that it lasted as long as it did. It was handicapped in a way and therefore making swimming difficult, making feeding hard. The body was born twisted but it lasted for a total of four years on that one. Now my single fish is six years old. Very long life for a "tetra" sized fish (size of two finger-nail's length). My poor goldfish, lasted as long as it did, was a fighter and I was happy to own it. I did everything I could initially to make it look beautiful but the inferior species just couldn't be changed. It was cheap and I was doing everything I could to make it better but the scales were as dull as any of the inferior species. I was proud to have it anyway.

I proved to many that the goldfish is a hardy fish. It is hardy if you change the water (1/3 of the tank) every week or so. Everything would be fine. Now it is gone. I no longer have to worry every time I were to go camping and whatnot. However, I still have my x-ray fish (you could see the internal organs of the fish) to take care of. I think I'll go and buy a companion for it. The x-ray fish is a community fish and should not be alone. I think I'll buy three or four. I think I'll do it sometime this week. Happy week ahead.

Wound that healed

2006-09-25T09:29:00.000+08:00

I do believe that wounds heals slowly for a reason. All wounds, no matter what kind of wounds, (be it emotional, physical or whatever) take its time to heal. Although some takes longer than others to heal and some people heal faster than others, it is something to remember by. Even a small nick that caused a gash on your knee may take only half a second to cause it to happen, the wound may take a week or two for it to heal and the scar to fade. For some wounds however, the scar remains till the end of their days.

A physical scar shows a blemish on your physical self that the wound, although healed, still lingers in memory with every sight of the scar. It is a reminder of our mistakes, mistakes of others, and/or both. The scar reminds us of the hurt and probably shame. Though some guys would like to show girls of their battle scars, the scar may haunt them when they look in the mirror and see their reminder. Could they somehow avoid those scars? They would wonder. Some guys (and girls) even came up with a story of how they gotten the scars; making the existence of the scars look more acceptable or respected. This reminds me of the "Dragon Tiger Gate". There was this character guy named "Turbo", and he had a scar on this face. He told everyone the story of his scar say that it was from a great battle that he gotten it. In fact, he created the scar himself so that he would scare the people he faces because of his horrible looking scar.

So why is everyone afraid of their own scars? As mentioned earlier, probably because it shows some sort of imperfection to their already imperfect bodies/physical self and remembrance of the pain. Most everyone wants their scars to be removed. It could be done commercially for physical scars but emotional scars? So how do you remove the emotional scars? I use plural for emotional scars because all of us have emotional scars, one type or another. However, whatever the reason for wanting to remove scars, I believe that scars do show us something. The history remembered would help us, guides us. A gash from a knife cut reminds us of how sharp a knife is and why we should be more careful about handling a knife. An emotional scar may (I said may) help them to realize that their actions may hurt others as well and would not do the same emotional damage to others. Other kind of emotional scars remind them of the good times and though the good times have gone, it could still be remembered.

Scars would be there, no matter what. Do take sometime to think about the scars. Stop, smell the roses too. Scars remind you of your past hurt. You will remember that it is healed so don't linger in the past, pretending the wound is fresh. The healed wound is shown when you see/remember the scar(s). It acts as a reminder nothing more. But the gentle reminder reminds us how fragile life is, how fragile we are and we survived those fragile moments. Wound healed slowly for the same reason. The painful but gentle reminder of the hurts is proportional to the wound inflicted. The smaller the wound, the pain is less severe. No matter how small the pain or how painful the pain may be, it acts as a reminder of our mistakes and mistakes of others. Some of the future mistakes could be avoided by doing what you know is going to hurt the opposite way. Some of the future mistakes could be avoided by doing the good things that you never could do in the past. Once the wound is healed, then it's back to the top, a gentle reminder of what we had faced. Learned from the wounds we have and avoid it the best we can and try not to inflict others for we know how painful it is to us.

Sometime about 1 1/2 weeks ago

2006-09-21T13:45:00.000+08:00

My boss finally increased my salary. How much? Not much but enough for me to spend more on entertainment. Like I said, it's not as much as I like but it certainly increased my entertainment budget (now I can go to the movies more often). However, with the increase in pay it would also mean "trouble ahead". A price to follow the pay. I would expect a tougher job in sense of more work load; since I (the company) pay you more, I would expect your workload to increase. Problem is I don't know how much the workload would be.

Scary? I don't know. I mean I'm a trainer. How much can they load on me till I cannot work? So I'll pick up some new courses that I haven't taught before. That's good for me. Tougher life ahead is not too a daunting thought. What I matter and scared of is, that I would not get time off (I mean my personal time after office hours), and I get screwed for not able to deliver a good job. I mean it's not very possible for anyone to take up a task that you never did before and do a good job out of it if you were not given ample time to prepare.

The other thing that some people may feel sorry for me is my bond. I'm bonded for a period of two years. So it's "my life for my company" for the next two years. The ICP exam is costly and so the bond for two years is to deter the unethical jokers who took the exam, passed and quit the very next day. I won't do that. So I'm bonded now but two years isn't that long. I can endure. I'll be here and so please don't ask me "so where are you working now" for the next two years.

In my line of work, it's common to have a manager that throws a course on your desk and ask you to conduct the training in two days time. You can't say "I won't do it. I haven't have time". The manager would answer you by saying, "You'll have to do it. The customer that is paying your salary demands it in two days time". So you just have to grit your teeth and dive into the arena to face a horde of hungry souls. The hungry souls won't chew you up during your struggle period of trying to stand up BUT they would complain to your boss and that's where the chewing up starts. I don't mind getting chewed up but as long as my boss understood that I gave my best, and this is my first time, then I'm okay.

I've been in those situations before where the boss would stand by me, knowing I did my best. The thing is I've also been those situations where any first time task do-ers would get screwed up. Been there, done that. I'd also hope that I do not have that situation here. It hasn't happen to me yet but I hope that the "YET" doesn't happen.

I cherish my after work hours. I could go to a cyber café and slug it out with my fellow team (team comprises of William and Joel) with computers or anyone. I cherish my moment of going to a café and have a cup of ginger tea or something like that. If I can I’ll find time to read some books as well. So I do cherish my “slowing down the night” after a “rush for the day” time. I missed my pet fish (I’ll write about that next blog). Sigh. So till my back breaks, I’ll be doing the same stuff. Over and out.

Sometime about two weeks ago...

2006-09-20T13:53:00.000+08:00

It's been real rewarding after putting in enough effort to make it. I am now a certified Cisco trainer. I've completed the CCSI program and passed. It's very tiring (for me at least) but as I've said earlier, it's real rewarding. A bit of a background on this exam/program.

It's an acronym for Certified Cisco Systems Instructor. You have to achieve a certain level of proficiency in order to qualify to take the exam/program. A minimum qualification is 90.1% score on CCNA but CCNA level isn't good enough but you do not have to be a CCNP certification holder either. So a minimum standard is in between that.

"You must have hands on technical experience in bridging and routing, switching, and/or WAN environments, plus at least a year of technical teaching experience. You must be sponsored by (or yourself become) a Cisco Training Partner. In addition to meeting those conditions, you must attend the course you wish to teach, and then pass the related exam. Afterwards, you must attend and pass a two-day Instructor Certification Process (ICP) at Cisco. Your sponsoring Cisco Training Partner pays the ICP fee."

So what's so tough about the thing? Nothing to some people but to others its a big deal. Getting a diploma isn't a big deal to Masters but it is a big deal to some people. So what's my stand then? It was not a big deal but I am glad that I could achieve it. I am glad I survived that 8-hour (plus 1 hour lunch) exam.

Eight hours I said? Yup. It is an eight hour exam that every candidate must take. Several methods which you can take the exam and I was taking the exam via connecting to U.S. of A. I had to telnet (a fancy word for connecting to a computer network miles away) to a terminal server (the computer that I had to connect to) to take the exam. Then I had to show, proof and configure in front of a proctor (i.e. the bosun) all the requirements given. Nine candidates took the exam, three survived. I came in second. I was dead tired (mentally, emotionally and physically, mentally for the most part) when I came out of the exam hall. Esther had dinner with me to congratulate me and it was nice (of course she’s nice). Unfortunately I was too bushed even to smile properly. It was a problem, for me at least, because of the connection to the U.S. of A. was kinda slow. Frustrating at times but at least I survived. A big sigh but I've made it.

Stay Tuned People!!!

2006-09-18T17:27:00.000+08:00

Dear readers,

I know that I've been neglecting in blogging. It's not that I've forgotten but the past month has been....errrm....full. I'm trying to calm myself down from various stuffs so that I can write properly. What really irks me is after I write, posted it and found it to be less-than-satisfactory. My level of satisfaction. To let you know what's coming soon, I'll do a recap on my near-death experience where my car tires blew and my car did a 180-degree turn and.... next blog post. Promise on that one. The other one is a relief on my career and probably a raise. Yippie! I can now afford to eat more after this. My relfections on my friends after so many years will be posted next. Office problems (what else) and other small ones. So stay tuned.

P/S : I've added another blog link. It's a blog that depicts my friend's working life. SP's link.

P/S/S: I've also added the new blog link for Princess Diary. Please have a look.

Missing Portion : Two

2006-08-25T22:53:00.001+08:00

I know folks that I'm slippin and I do realized that. I apologize for not updating. However, this is because of a few factors. So here's part two.

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A fire broke out in my office. However, besides all the tenants needed to be evacuated from the building, nothing was seen out of the ordinary.

I was in the classroom doing about my work till I heard the fire alarm rang. Then the lights went off. Thinking of it as nothing, I grope around in darkness and waited for the lights to turn back on.

"What is with the fire alarm! It's still ringing..."

It just never register in my pathetic brain of mine that there COULD be a fire. So my colleague (my junior) went down (hey it's only five floors) and he came back up a short while later (like I said, it's only five floors). Then he said, "hey guys, there's a fire on level 2 and so we need to go down."

Well, since her puts it THAT way so I guess I'll comply. So we went down after a short while of struggling to get our things in the dark, all of us (about eight of us) went down. When I went down to the ground floor, saw a bunch of people already there. Then a short while later, my boss and the top management came down (they were on the thirteenth floor however) panting and so I was happy. Then a guy wearing fire suit, went up with full fire-battle gear to the second floor. We waited for about half an hour then decided to go home. So I did.

Missing Portion : One

2006-08-25T22:32:00.000+08:00

I know folks that I'm slippin and I do realized that. I apologize for not updating. However, this is because of a few factors. So here's part one.

---------------------------------------------

I'm pissed. I got hacked. I mean, someone, some #$%^&*( manage to hack into my yahoo! account. This means that I lost all my e-mails, my contacts and everything else!!! This is really something that I don't want to happen. Sigh. I wish I could find a way to retrieve it back but I can't. Not even password recovery. So anger isn't a good thing to have when I want to blog, for me at least.

I wonder what happened to my account. All of a sudden I just can't log on. I mean, tried like half a thousand times and still failed then I tried the password recovery and it failed. So only possible assumption is my account's been breached. Thus I need to find another account. I've created it but I'm not going to post it up here, so I'll find a way to find all the accounts again and post it to you guys.

So I'm still wondering what in the world had happened. I mean was it my fault that caused it? Or was it some kid(s) that was doing it for kicks? Sigh. I would never know would I? Sigh. Oh me oh my... I lost my account.

Funny thing this is...

2006-08-15T09:01:00.000+08:00

I'm attending a class. I've been ordered by my company to attend this course and the funny thing about this course is it's English. Yup. I'm learning English. So what's the funny thing about this course that I'm attending? It's not the fact that I'm learning English and it's syntax per se but I'm learning on how to pronounce (articulate the words as the instructor define it so). So what's so funny is that? The problem lies with one of my fellow colleagues, Lee.

Lee, is a Brit. Yup. He's 100% British. According to him, he stays near Manchester. It's a small town outside of Manchester. When he was ordered to attend this course, you could hear him grumble. Why is it so? The "articulation of speech" class isn't THAT bad right? It's not bad considering that English IS your native language. However there are some complications. This complications comes from the purpose of having this course set up in the first place. The objective of the course is to articulate the words, in American English. THAT'S what made Lee groan.

In American, you should pronounce "dance" as "dense" (similar pronounciation) but in England, you articulate it as "dah-anse". So trying to convert the Brit to loose his years of pronounciation of British articulation to American way of articulating is hilarious. "Loose the Queen's English and embrace Uncle Sam's English". Oh well, he did try his best to articulate how the American did it. He has to actually otherwise the instructor won't give him the time of day. Hilarious I tell you.

Halloween Vs Hungry Ghost Festival

2006-08-08T09:24:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was month 7 and day 14 of the Chinese calendar. To those in North American region, it's the same date as October 31, your Halloween. These are just the differences to note.

On this date, the souls of the dead would be wondering in the lands of the living again. The spirits would wonder back to the homes of the relatives. This would spur those families to prepare a meal for the hungry, returning spirits. By appeasing the hungry spirits, the family would be awarded with good fortune or any other form of luck in the lives.

Not only were the hungry spirits given food but other offerings as well. Burning money (money was designed for the spiritual realm - a.k.a. 'Hell Currency') is the most common item to be given, ingots of gold and silver (again, these were designed for the spiritual realm), etc. All items to be given to the spirits are made in coloured-paper and may have tin-foil wrappings. Some even to go as far as to have entertainment for the spirits; providing dances, stage shows, etc. The entertainment are done on a large scale, often within a small community.

What was I doing during the evenings of the Hungry Ghost Festival? I was watching the moive 'Taken'. Nice show. Then I went to play computer games with my buddies. So why did I blog this? Just for everybody's reference and mine too. I sometimes get confused between "All Souls Day" and the "Hungry Ghosts/Spirits Festival". That one I'll write about it next time. For more information on the Hungry Ghost Festival : wikipedia

What a tiring day...

2006-08-04T17:40:00.000+08:00

Sigh. My task has ended with a thud. I conducted the class like usual but through out this whole week, I had a senior instructor sitting in my class. His purpose: to check on me and my works. Needless-to-say, I didn't do such a good job as I could have. So through out this whole week, I was underpressure. It just wasn't such a good week. I knew my good times will come to a halt (previous post of last week's) and so this week is just a tiring and stressful week. Penance? Don't know but all I know is "you'd better buck up on certain areas" was this week's favourite quote. It's a short blog today but I'm just too tired to write more. Shutting down.

Thank you for being a friend...

2006-08-03T13:03:00.000+08:00

I did not write this. I wish I did but it's not mine. A new found friend of mine mailed this to me and I find this very apporpriate to express my feelings towards all my friends (both old and new). So I'm publishing this written piece.

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Friends are like Angels, who help Us fly when our wings have forgotten how to fly..."

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their e-mail. Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read. After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you. Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I JUST WANT ALL OF YOU TO KNOW EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NOT KEPT INTOUCH WITH SOME OF YOU (sorry), I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU ARE VERY DEAR TO ME!

July 31, 2006 : Part 4

2006-07-31T13:48:00.000+08:00

I had abstained myself from the internet for the past week and two days. So I haven't been updating. That doesn't mean I stopped writing. So to make it all up, I'm posting something which I've written during my week and two days absence. I can't believe it, just a week and two days I got like 108 e-mails. Not junk but legit mails. Sigh. So this is blog 4/4 from my past week.

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I had the mood to watch an oldie. Not too old but a few years old. Here are some of the script from that old movie.

Caesar: Tell me again, Maximus. Why are we here?

Maximus: For the glory of the Empire, sire.

Caesar: Ah, yes. Ah, yes, I remember.

Pausing for a moment, putting his quill down and looked at the make-shift wall.

Caesar: Do you see that map, Maximus? That is the world which I created. For 25 years, I have conquered, spilt blood, expanded the Empire. Since I became Caesar, I've known four years without war. Four years of peace in 20. And for what? I brought the sword. Nothing more.

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(Con't)

Maximus: Five thousand of my men are out there in the freezing mud. Three thousand of them are bloodied and cleaved. Two thousand will never leave this place. I will not believe that they fought and died for nothing.

Caesar: And what would you believe?

Maximus: They fought for you...and for Rome.

Caesar: What is Rome, Maximus?

Maximus: I've seen much of the rest of the world. It is brutal and cruel and dark. Rome is the light.

Caesar: Yet you have not been there. You have not seen what is has become. I am dying, Maximus. When a man sees his end, he wants to know there was some purpose to his life. How will the world speak my name in the years to come? Will I be known as the philosopher? The warrior? The tyrant?

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Haven't figured it out yet? Alwyn would have picked the name out within two seconds with the first line. It's the movie "Gladiator" and it’s one of my favourite movies to date. Interestingly enough, as I type this blog, my head starts to play the theme of the movie. It’s the same theme song that was used in the movie during the battle at Germania and at the Coliseum when Maximus and his fellow gladiators were about to be massacred by the chariots. I play a game called (still playing actually) "Rise of Nations". It's a very nice game and I picked Romans as my nation and as the fighting begins in the game, this same song plays in my head. Though it make no sense of me to shout "Roma Victor!", I see the same battle scenes from that movie in my game.

Enough of that. Looking at the script made me wonder. I wonder if the many previous Greats out there do think like the Caesar here. Don’t know. What about the many great people of today? Don’t know that too. For most of us, having that kind of power and responsibility is unknown and untested by our virtues. In that movie, the Caesar stated four virtues of leadership: Wisdom, justice, fortitude and temperance. What virtues do you have?

Most people today are looking for ambitious people. Being ambitious is a good thing, it's a virtue to move forward and be better. Grin. Ambitious means good for the company and, possibly, for country. This means that the person hired or selected to do things would be driven to do whatever means possible to achieve goals set in their minds. This is primarily what the Human Resources or big organizations want in an employee. This often tested in interviews by asking a very simple question: What do you want to be in five years time?

Yes. Being ambitious is good. However good it is, being ambitious can be a double-edged sword. Being ambitious without control by proper, moral and other good virtues is like transporting nitro in a rickety bicycle on a road full of bumps. Yeah, I am not ambitious. Not ambitious enough for the corporate world to accept me as an employee that they would like me to be. However, I looked at and worked with many ambitious people in my working career. Most of them are very good at their work. Some of them excel even. Yet they lack many good things out in their life. I once worked with a manager that is very ambitious. He told me about his plans and his dreams of the things that he worked for. His ideas were good and he laboured hard. However, there was once when he got a call from his wife and I was sitting in the same room just three feet away from him.

"I won't be having dinner with you. Let me tell you something, my work is more important than you and your dinner."

He proudly said that infront of me. Needless to say, he's not a very nice supervisor to work with. It's scary at times working for him but you have to admire his ambitious virtue though.

So what goes on in a mind of a great and know that your end is near.

"I am dying, Maximus. When a man sees his end, he wants to know there was some purpose to his life. How will the world speak my name in the years to come? Will I be known as the philosopher? The warrior? The tyrant? "

How do we know indeed. I watched the series "Commander in Chief" on television the other day. It's the episode where a US nuclear submarine was in some deep doo-doo and was stuck twelve miles off the coast of (of all the places) North Korea. Looking at the show, it gives me shivers just to think if I were in her position. Here I am, as the President of the United States of America, having weapons of destruction of mind boggling magnitude, have two choices: save your countrymen with guns blazing or let them die. Things to note: Leaving the soldiers to die is okay. After all they are soldiers and they know the rules of war. However, to back down would show cowardice? The movie (of course) saved the crewmen and managed to do it peacefully with not a single shot fired during the rescue operation.

How do we fare if we were to sit on a throne and wear a crown that gives you almost absolute power. I thank God that I won’t be in that position. Probably because I am not ambitious enough. More importantly because God knows me. God knows what I would become if I were to be in that seat. I know my inner self too. How I wish I could have some of it. The glory of it all, that’s what I envy for. Honestly, I know if I were to be in that position, I would be bad at it. Very bad in fact. So thank God for making me who I am. Peace ya’ all.

July 31, 2006 : Part 3

2006-07-31T13:46:00.000+08:00

July 31, 2006 : Part 2

2006-07-31T13:29:00.000+08:00

July 31, 2006 : Part 1

2006-07-31T13:15:00.000+08:00

I had abstained myself from the internet for the past week and two days. So I haven't been updating. That doesn't mean I stopped writing. So to make it all up, I'm posting something which I've written during my week and two days absence. I can't believe it, just a week and two days I got like 108 e-mails. Not junk but legit mails. Sigh. So this is blog 1/4 from my past week.

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Durian season is here. Yup. The absolute "King of Fruits" hits the streets of Malaysia once more and customers flock to buy them in several up to dozens. I know a family that buys two dozens (or more) at one time. Not mine of course. My family is somewhat a tasting type. We neither buy a few nor lots but somewhat a modest amount. My family is a family of five and so if we do buy durians, we would have a total of not more than six and not less than three. The whole purpose of purchasing is not to eat till we choke but to eat for taste. Yes, gentle Malaysian readers, I love durians but I eat for taste (unless it's durian ice-cream of course).

I still remember the times I had durians when I was in Canada. Yup. You can find durians in Canada. Hard to find though but you could. In Winnipeg, you can’t buy fresh ones like the ones in Malaysia but you do get fresh ones (rarely) at a shop in China Town. Almost no smell (what is a durian without the smell) and a bit over ripe for my taste (you could see the durian husk already split opened).

So to get my dose of durians, I had to go to another part of town. Behind the back of the University of Winnipeg, I would find a small street that would lead me to a restaurant that serves the “King of Fruits”. Fortunately for me (probably the only Malaysian guy who knows the place as I never took any of my Malaysian juniors there), the fruit still holds the smell and the taste of a true durian. Unfortunately, it’s not in its true form. It’s in the form of a shake. Yup. I had my very first durian shake in Canada.

During some of the days that were longer than most, I often find myself shuffling my feet towards the restaurant. I would sit down and order the beef noodle soup. Trust me. It's awesome. Thin, flat translucent noodles, with large chunks of tender beef mixed with several slices of beef of different parts. Beef tripe, floating beef balls and a generous helping of bean sprouts to accompany the already good-enough-meal. The size of the bowl is equivalent to a small basin. Peppermint leaves and hot pepper at the side; in case you do not like them. It would normally take me fifteen to twenty minutes to wolf down the noodles and would order my dessert. Wonderful meal that one is. Simply wonderful. The only thing is, the cost of the dessert is nearly ¾ of the beef noodle soup. Who cares.

Durians in Malaysia are abundant. I mean abundant of species and places to buy. Malaysians (generally speaking of course) love durians. It is a well-known fact that if you do eat a good durian, you will feel very satisfied. The only catch here is that you must be able to get a good durian. Getting a good durian requires a bit of skill and a lot of luck. This is me, but most durian-eaters say otherwise. However, majority of the great durian-eaters do not know how to choose durians and would then require help from the seller (not very honest they are) or friends or relatives who knows the tricks (they declared it as skill) of choosing good, satisfying durians. Unfortunately friends and relatives are often not around when you developed the craving for durians.

So it would then falls into a bit of luck and a small bit of trust in the seller/trader. After the durians have been selected, price haggling and finagling comes next. The pricing issue is often the problem. I still remember those days when the durians were priced according to its size. Today the price of a durian is in the weight of the fruit. Both are not fair in my opinion.

If I could find a durian that is based on the size then you have a problem as different species would bear the quantity of the durian flesh differently. So today they solve that problem by judging size AND species. Then again, each durian may not have the same quantity of edible flesh.

If I were to base it on the weight of the fruit, it wouldn’t be fair either. I mean, there are some trees that bear fruits that have little edible flesh and have thick and heavy husks. I mean, come on, there must be a fairer and better way to determine the price of a durian. I guess we’ll just have to use the metric which ever trader is using. “It’s not a perfect system but it’s all we’ve got” (I got it down from a movie I watched last time but can’t remember which movie was it though).

One thing I learned from past experiences never put durians in the fridge if you are planning to keep it long. Even if you are to put the durians in the freezer, it would be wise to finish the durians as fast as possible. If anything, any Malaysian would know, the awesome scent of the “King of Fruits”. No matter how hard you try to seal or how many types of air-tight containers you try to put the durians in it, the distinct and potent aroma would permeate through the containers and contaminate everything in your fridge/freezer.

A friend of mine tried that once. She, after carefully seal the durians with air-tight containers and with other coverings, put the containers in the freezer. The freezer was set to 22 degrees Celsius below zero. The following day, she took her frozen cheese cake (chocolate) from the same freezer and serve to her friends. Unfortunately, the cheese cake has lost its taste and aroma as the durian smell had seeped through the protective layers of its container and contaminated the dessert. There are many stories evolving durians but I’ll save them for the next time we meet.

Ah yes, the great “King of Fruits” is in season once again. The hunters in the West would talk about the size of the buck that was captured (or shot) or the prized fish that was caught but in Malaysia the bragging rights goes to whoever picked the right durians. Stay well and eat heartily.

July 20th, 2006

2006-07-20T15:20:00.000+08:00

I'll be away for a week and a half and so I won't be updating my blog till then. Anyway, this is a piece of written work (written by someone, gotten by my friend who e-mailed to me.)

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A Letter to DAD

--A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, reallythese things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".Hands still trembling,her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS:

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!

Truth and Life

2006-07-19T09:06:00.000+08:00

I'm actually writing the second time in the same number of days. I haven't wrote that since I don't know when. I'm writing now because I'm waiting for the students to come in and so to kill some time, I'll blog. Right now, the class is 90% empty and my own policy is "I don't start a class till it is at least more than 50% full or we're half an hour late". So I'll wait for now.

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Little things to note:

1. Wei Yin and Joanne had a bouncing baby girl last Thursday.

2. Yesterday was Andrea's birthday (parents of Pei Shan and Ming Soon).

3. Today is Jane Tui's birthday.

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My body ache's a bit because of the badminton game I played last night. It's fun to play but I'm slightly out of shape and skill. I need to brush up some more if I want to be satisfied with how I play. The thing is, personally, I don't think that I'll ever be satisfied with what I do or how I play. I just have to get better and be better and that's the driving force that I have in me. Unfortunately, I am also a procrastinator and these two conflicting personalities are making it harder for me to move ahead.

My form of procrastination is that I try to be as lazy as possible. I know I can do it but I choose not to because of the sloth that I am. Some people procrastinate because they don't like or they find it difficult, etc. For me, it's just plain, simple laziness. Phooey! This bites! I think I'll start a mid-year resolution for myself. I think I'll try to be more proactive in my life. I'm not old yet but I'm not young anymore and so I'll have to move now or forever be still. I'm taking a break from work soon and hopefully I would take that time to do some personal reflection.

Sometimes, I strongly believe, that everyone needs those reflective moments. We just can't go on and on and on with our lives that we often take things (especially little ones) for granted. We tend to forget ourselves too. Chasing dreams/vision is required in life but sometimes you have to stop, smell the roses and see your life as life sees you.

The problem is, reality itself is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. I know. Truth hurts. I know. Stopping and smelling the roses may just reveal your own imperfections in life. It may give a sense that you are not perfect. It may bring you back to realize your real self and your situation and feel vulnerable. So people often try to live their lives as though they live in a dream. Chasing after whatever they see fit/want. Pretenders often believe that they are the unblemished hero of the world. They pretend via internet, through Instant Messaging and the likes.

If truth be truth, it will hurt sometimes. Most people try to shy away from truth. I don't know if this is a norm because most people reject truth of themselves but they want truth in others. Life as we know it won't stop just because we had a nasty bump in the road of life that we walk on. So it just means that if we experience something bad when we see the actual truth in our lives, we can't do anything about it but to struggle this part of life and move on. We often hope that life would be a computer game where we could go back to the point that we needed to change some decision so that we can get extra points. Sadly, truth is also non-bias. If life were to reveal your truths, it would not hold back.

The people that you interact with you in your life have developed a certain perception of truth you. A mould if you like. This mould that they have contains how they see you and they have developed a certain "truth" about you. For example, "Him? Nah. I would never believe that he would abuse his wife".

Really?

Yes, people make that impression in their mind about you. Probably with that in mind, subconsciously or consciously, you may want to continue to live a life as though it is a drama for others to see you. You hope it will overlap all bad truths with perceived good truths in their minds.

So coming back to my point: having a short break from life and seeing things the way life sees me is what I needed sometimes. Sometimes I forget that I am a human and not a fantasy hero. Almost unblemished and almost perfect in my life. Not.

Oh me, oh my, I thought I'm gonna die

2006-07-18T01:19:00.000+08:00

I was stabbed, poked, cut, sawed and drilled. What happened to me? The last bit of information gave it away. I had root canal. It's a process which nobody likes but has to do it. For me, it was a decision made because I wanted to save the tooth. I had the option of pulling the entire tooth out. It's a molar, upper teeth, number 8 on the right. I broke the tooth sometime back and so I have to go to the dentist and get it fixed.

I broke a quarter of it and so I could either have the whole tooth extracted or do a crowning. Since I am young, I'd opted to save my tooth. All for six hundred bucks. The dotor told me that I need to get my tooth prepared for crowning and so it would mean that I need to do a root canal first then when things are ready, crowning of the tooth.

One thing about root canal, it is a half an hour process (at least mine is). The thing about my process is that the doctor did not, I mean DID NOT, use any anesthesia at all on me. So I was there sitting in the chair and the dentist just poked, drilled and use whatever necessary (so I'd guess that giving me anesthesia is not necessary) means to get the job done. Several occassions I did a loud yelp. A normal method to let the dentist know that they've drilled deep enough. A painful process no doubt but my tooth (and myself) survived the ordeal. I now got to swallow four anti-biotic pills a day to curb any infection that may infect my tooth and gum.

One thing that I've learnt from this ordeal, take care of your teeth. Sigh.

Normal Questions to God

2006-07-12T16:32:00.000+08:00

Here is a piece of written material that was passed to me via e-mail. I find it okay. I do not agree with some of it but most of the stuff are generally nice. Why I put this up here as a post? Probably I am too lazy to think to write a new topic. Probably I have friends who have questions like these. Probably with this I could force people to think about questions like these.

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God: Hello. Did you call me?

Me: Called you? No. Who is this?

God: This is GOD. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will Chat.

Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something.

God: What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.

Me: Don't know. But I can't find free time. Life has become hectic. It's rush hour all the time.

God: Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.

Me: I understand. But I still can't figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant messaging chat.

God: Well, I wanted to resolve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this net era, I wanted to reach you through the Medium you are comfortable with.

Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?

God: Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.

Me: Why are we then constantly unhappy?

God: Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.

Me: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?

God: Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.

Me: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty...

God: Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?

God: Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don't suffer. With that experience their life becomes better, not bitter.

Me: You mean to say such experience is useful?

God: Yes. In every term, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

Me: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why can't we be free from problems?

God: Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons to Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.

Me: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are heading...

God: If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.

Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving In the right direction. What should I do?

God: Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.

Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

God: Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.

Me: What surprises you about people?

God: When they suffer they ask, "why me?" When they prosper, they never ask "Why me?" Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.

Me: Sometimes I ask, who am I, why am I here. I can't get the answer.

God: Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation.

Me: How can I get the best out of life?

God: Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.

Me: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

God: There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.

Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat. I am so happy to start the New Day with a new sense of inspiration.

God: Well. Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve, not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

The day that the Germans crumbled

2006-07-06T13:31:00.000+08:00

It was a match when I actually felt sad. Germany lost. Yeah, I'm supporting the German team. A young team, moulded by the youngest coach in World Cup tournament (beating Marco van Basten by three months and a day), to be one of the best once more. I have to admit that the Germans weren't the better of the two teams that clashed. Italy seemed better. Germans were backed by their home supporters and rallied by their coach, Jürgen Klinsmann. The German team moved into the pitch with a nervous fear of Italy (from their previous meeting) and was trying to hold on to their wits by the local, loyal, thousands of supporters/fans.

In the first-half, the "homies" were cornered and could not even produce a shot-on-goal. The Germans gritted their teeth and finally came back at the attacking Italians in the second-half with a renewed spirit. Fangs were shown and claws extracted from the hidden but the Germans still could not produce anything to hurt the Italians. The matured and well-balanced Italian team manages to score and drew first-blood, and then second, in the last four minutes from the second-half of extra-time. My team had lost. These were my recollections from the match that I saw.

Jürgen Klinsmann, a man under tremendous pressure, had managed to carry the burden and pushed his team of young players into the Semi-finals of the World Cup tournament. The team had lost in Euro Cup, licked its wounds, had produced a world class performance on home ground. Klinsmann was given a task to guide the German team that was in "shabby" condition once Rudy Voeller stepped down from that position. The style of "guiding" was often criticized and often questioned. I guess, Frank Sinatra's song, "I did it my way" seems to fit. And so it ends in semi-finals.

I guess he is the man that I supported and not the German team. I admire that he got the courage to do the things that he did and manage to produce the result that he had achieved. Klinsmann took a group of misfits (declared by one news source) and he formed them to be one of the best teams in the world. Once again, Germany could be proud of their players. Klinsmann held position that most people love but hate at the same time.

Taking up the position would mean fame if the team produce results. However to produce the desired result, of winning the World Cup, would mean taking shots and lots of it. Klinsmann took bullets, faced the storms and everything else that came at him. He took the team that he built trusts with and the team with him, into the semi-finals, only to find a halt at the end of the tunnel so close to the light.

The German team went down but not without a fight and Klinsmann is willing to take whatever else that would come after the failure. A 41-year-old, with a mission to win the World Cup, failed two steps away and now facing his homeland and its crowd. He's standing in the spotlight and will he stay or go? His only words were, "I'll tell you later."

I know that other coaches have the same pressure but as the youngest coach, he has a tall order after the dismal performance in Euro Cup. So it's tougher for him. It is also more for him to prove himself as a good coach of the highest standard, since the games/competition would be at his own back yard.

Germany comes with a huge football (soccer for the some of you) history and football culture. Good history records means consistency in being the best or at least one of the greats. Jürgen Klinsmann needs to make up for the poor performance of late and put his country team up as one of the best once more. He has no other such records in his coaching repertoire of such high level to prove to his country and the supporters that demands the best. The only proof is to win the World Cup tournament. That's the pressure he gets.

England's next coach/manager would be facing the same issues but their next manager is an experienced one, and thus not a total green-horn. Brazil's hopes were dashed but it is expected of their country to send the coach off if nothing else but THE Cup in hand.

Germany came back from it's lowest ebb and rose to be a great wave today. Klinsmann, Jürgen Klinsmann, the reason for me to support Germany.

(all pictures were taken from http://uk.sports.yahoo.com/ )

July 4th, 2006

2006-07-04T16:52:00.000+08:00

U.S. of A is celebrating its birthday today and I am grumbling over here. I have noticed that I wanted to write things but I couldn't. Things especially evolving around my work, work place and its environment. The reason is because I am fearful. I am fearful of letting my superior know what's my comment about what's going on and my point-of-view. So I'm trying not to grumble anymore but trying to ramble instead. So I wish I could change my URL for my blog but nah. So I'll ramble more than grumble from now on. Topics would include my limited philosophic thoughts and nothing sensitive regarding my work place and its inhabitants. I'll reserve that for my other blog. Psst. It's a secret.

Okay. What is there to blog then? Hmmm... world cup? Why not. Thank Germany for defeating Argentina (sorry Alwyn). Germany may seemed lacking in skill and marking but they made up for it in teamwork. The Germans had better teamwork (from my view) and had the crowd support. The German's coach, Jürgen Klinsmann, is a good enough coach and did well. Esther and I went to a nearby mamak that has this huge screen (like a mini cinema) and projector to project the game for all to see. Esther and I were not bothered about the mosquitoes biting us but more captivated by the game play (it is a beautiful sport). The referee of that match seemed very, very fair and it was a nice game to watch. The Argentinians did play hard but they went on defense mode against a good team. In my opinion, sometimes a good offense is a good defense. That was one of those moments that required active action and not passive. Oh well, no use talking about it now since they already lost.

The English team however, was a semi-let-down. The defense was superb. The midfield wasn't that bad just the attack wasn't good enough. They had 10 men and still manage to hold a good team, Portugal, to a nil-nil. A severe let-down came into the penalty shoot-outs. Shame on the Brits. They deserve to lose since they were so poor in penalty shoot-outs. I'm speaking from an armchair coach of course.

The French. What can I say. It was Zinedine Zidane's moment. His "magic" destroyed Brazil (from one newspaper) and probably is true. I didn't see the whole match but the free-kick was excellent and Brazil, by leaving Henry alone, deserved to lose. That kind of mistake should not come from Brazil but some other (lower ranking) football nation. Oh well.

Italy. Well. They had all the bullets and Ukraine just didn't have the luck. That's all I can say about these two since I didn't actually see any of them in action personally.

Oh well. Life goes on for the losers (sounds pretty bad ain't it?). Licking their wounds and better luck (or skill or both) next time. Till next blog. This is an armchair coach saying "over-and-out".

A love story retold

2006-06-30T08:45:00.000+08:00

A long, long time ago, I watched a movie (somewhere in the mid-80s). I cannot remember who acted in the movie or remember the title of the movie. I do remember the content or bits and pieces of it. I feel a bit soft today and so I'm writing this mushy stuff.

It was about this man who is a professional photographer. He has a wife and daughter. Most of the time he wasn't around when his daughter grew up and thus had problems connecting with his daughter. His daughter hates him. Her father is often away from home and she is wondering why or more like how could her mother ever loved him. Dodging his responsibilities and for what? Taking pictures?

The father took pictures and sells them and with his unstable income, could not provide his family nice goodies. His wife is also terminally ill with some sort of sickness and was slowly dying. His daughter grew up with a strong character and became a good lawyer. His wife died later on. His daugther blamed him for not being with her even till her last breath.

After sometime, he decided to try to communicate with his daughter. He wanted to tell her that he loved both of them very, very much but he doesn't know how. He only know how to take pictures. After some discomfort of approaching his daughter, he managed to coax his daughter to rekindled by going on a camping trip. She went with him as was disappointed, angry and started to scold her father because while camping with her, he took his camera along and took pictures of wildlife.

The father didn't know what to say. He lost his daughter and probably for good but that's all he knows. His life evolves around cameras. He had a photo gallery and he displayed his best collection of personal photographs that he had taken. His daughter miraculously came to see his display.

His daughter went through the pictures one by one. Her eyes began to swell with tears. Not with anger but with love. She saw pictures of her mother and her when she was a baby. Pictures that displayed love. The beauty of those pictures touched her. Then she remembered that she blamed her father for not being there for her but she was wrong on that one too. She saw her high school graduation pictures. Taken by her father from a distant. Her college convocation. Her tears fell from her eyes when she saw a picture of her outside a courtroom. She remembered that moment. It was her first case and victorious one. Her father was there all the time and all the time she blamed him for not being there.

And here's where I forgoten. I had forgotten the ending but I wish I could watch it one more time. If anybody is out there that knows the title of the movie or the ending. I would appreciate it very much if you could tell me. Thank you.

Smarter Vs. Dumber

2006-06-22T08:43:00.000+08:00

I've got a new colleague. His name is....(whatever, I choose to omit his name out). I have to say that for a graduate, I find it difficult to believe that he's one of those people out there. Meaning to say that I was hoping for someone to prove me wrong by showing me that they could read instructions. He couldn't. In my company everyone gets a Kensington lock for our Notebook.

Here's a picture of it.

So anyway, it was his and under his care. If he doesn't know how to use it (it's really simple, all you have to do is...). So this new colleague of mine didn't ask the ones who are using it, or even read the instructions. He then (forcefully) try to use it and it broke. I'm standing next to him (after he wreacked it) and I looked at the lock and then to him and asked him if he read the manual. He says, "No, I just use it first". Sigh.

Here's what's wrong in my opinion.

1. People in city today is mostly educated to a certain degree. At least they could read and write. At least they could but nnnnoooo. People today, even though they can read and write (and profane), they choose NOT to read. I mean, a simple one-page instruction manual (really, the instruction manual is that short and it's actually half the size, with diagrams), could not be followed by an educated graduate. This tells me that they are lazy to read. Then why the company printed out the instruction manual in the first place? They wrote it to guide the people that wants to know how to use their product. Unfortunately graduates today are illiterate. And their excuse is they want fast and they are too lazy. Actually they are asking for trouble and they think that they can manage without actually knowing that they can't.

2. You know you can't do it and yet you want to try without reading the manual? Very good. It's not like there is no manual. Reminded my previous incident where the instruction manual to assemble the Ikea bed frame was lost and I had to assemble it. It took me hours and some trial-and- error before I could get the bed frame assembled. If I had the manual, it would take me a third of the total time. I mean, how hard is it to follow instructions especially if you are completely clueless about the product?

3. Even graduates, who are suppose to be more intelligent, are dumb to a very low level making them look very silly when they try to look intelligent since I-dont-need-the-manual ego kicks in gear.

Humans. Will we ever change? This suppose to be the time where everyone is educated and the world suppose to go forward yet we choose not to follow instructions. Interesting isn't it? Wisdom comes with time but instructions are everywhere. Little, little instructions and yet the educated group can't follow. Don't speed while driving. Don't drink and drive. Read manuals for things that you're not sure of. Still the intelligentsia can't do what they preach sometimes. I don't mind if they don't have wisdom (wisdom is something that you can't read from books alone, you have to experience it and each accquires wisdom differently. Touch a porcupine, a person may have wisdom not to touch it anymore and yet another may want to touch it but use different method to touch; with a glove perhaps) but skills and knowledge comes from reading and learning from others. Oops. This wisdom and knowledge can be quite long and so I'll skip this for now.

One of my fears

2006-06-17T08:45:00.000+08:00

There was another story that I wanted to write but something just came up in this mind of mine that overshadows the rest. One of my fears is actually not being good enough. Though it may be good but it is sometimes bad. Good because it acts as a driving force. Since I'm not good enough, then I stive to be better. However, I have the struggle of trying to be good enough because of my insecurities. So a vicious cycle continues in my brain that I am not comfortable with.

I often looked at my other friends whom I envy on how they do things, behaves and thinks. They have this kind of amazing aura about them. Aye, I too feel envious when I see someone is better at something and I wish I could do that too. These four guys have been part of my life (of course, they are my friends) and thus part of my memories. Even when I am doing something or about to do something, I would have thought of them and say to myself, "he would have done sssssoooo much better" (with a snicker). I'm probably right. Most of the time I do believe so.

So far the only thing that I am good at that is probably slightly better than they, is that I can play more sports. Ha! So? So what? Sports is fun but how will sports help me in my relationship? Unless it's sports related and sports specific, my career? Aye, I can probably whip a mean cross-court drive in tennis better than they can or I can probably do a sharp drop shot when I hit the shuttlecock. Again, so? When it comes to the obvious and things that (in my life) matters most, I pale in comparison in most of those things.

I'm quite sure there are some of you readers felt the same way and we keep telling ourselves we are unique and special (just like everyone else). We also tell ourselves and by others that we may have talents and usefulness that we have yet to find (just like everyone else). Their talent is a gift and so is mine (what in the world is my gift? Sports?). You will have your moments of fame, you know, your fifteen minutes of fame in your life. My answer to that is "have I passed that moment?" and "is that all I've got or can have?". Oh yeah, people still likes me for just the way I am. Only problem is I can't like the way I do, feel, think and behave as much as other people thinks. (Deep sigh). Don't worry. I've been going through this phase ever since I hit puberty.

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On the lighter side, Cars is a good animation. I liked the story. Good flow, excellent graphics and nice Porsche. After that show, I feel like driving wilder or talking to my car to see if it responds. I think I'll stick to talking to my car since driving wilder means I got to burn more gas. I'd estimated about 4 thousand (just about right) to fix my whole car to be what I wanted it to be. A new paint (it's fading and plenty of scratches and flakes coming out), new seats (both front and back), new engine (preferable turbo charged, kidding - way out of budget for that) and four new tires ( three years old and still good but its wearing thin). I have no intention to change it (change my car that is) and it still serves me well. I have but one more year to pay for my installment and after that it's 100% mine. I still wish it would/could talk though. Oh yeah, the only thing about Cars that I am still trying to figure it out is, how in the world the cars could throw things in the air, hold and swerve a video camera without any hands?

June 12th, 2006

2006-06-12T16:55:00.000+08:00

Monday again. This means I got problems again. First thing in the morning I was blamed for shabby work then later my boss found out that it wasn't me. I got no apology from him. My boss just said "better communication next time". That's all I got after the one and a half page e-mail from him blaming me and found out it was not my fault. Sheesh! Humans....no make that humans and their egos. Anyway, here's something which my junior sent to me earlier.

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Title: Simply Awesome.....

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

This letter is from one of your customers. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ‘button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' has ran 100 miles! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only’re-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ‘find’, but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when u will provide that?

10. What is this, I bought the computer, cpu, mouse and keypad but there is only one icon with 'MY Computer', where are the remainings?

11. This is strange, you say 'MY Pictures' but there is not even single photo of mine, so when u will keep my photo in that.

An immediate response in this regard is highly expected with detailed explanation.

With sincere regards

A Customer

Old friends rekindled

2006-06-08T17:44:00.000+08:00

Met with Mark yesterday evening. It was good meeting him this time round. Two years ago was our last face-to-face meeting. Previous meeting was not good. I explained the reason for my not-so-good meeting to him and he was pretty understanding. Sitting next to him, I feel like I'm a neanderthal. Okay not so primitive; a barbarian. My manners, in most aspects, paled in comparison when I engaged in conversation with him. However, I feel really good and I did have a good chat with him. Keeping in touch of, whatever information lost during those two years, friends, families and pretty much everything in between. Starbuck's coffee felt good too. I had a regular latte. He had one of those fancy-shmancy drinks (banana frappuchino with whipped cream or something like that). I felt reall good at the end of the meeting. He's leaving this friday, so all the best to you Mark and your wife, and God bless you brother.

Other than that, I've just been warned by my boss for leaving the switch on. For switch I mean a LAN, Fast Ethernet, 12-port, smaller-than-my-VCD-player-but-bigger-than-my-Palm machine on. Yes I know that the switch takes up like I don't know, very little (I mean if you leave it on for a week I don't even know if it sucked up enough juice to power-up a light blulb), but the management's been edgy because of the recent 12% power price hike. So I got a warning and this means I got to be more careful and yadda, yadda, yadda. My fault, so I owned up. I do remember the rules and so I just got to obey them. Even if I find it rediculous.

Other than that, I found a few more cases of virus attacks. Special thanks to the idiots in class that downloaded stuff without permission and installing them without permission. Sigh. Good thing I've kept the anti-virus definitions and system patches up to date on all the machines. The infected file is only found on the local machine and not spread to other machines and got quarantined. But, I still got to go through the whole procedure and make sure everything (or should I say PC) is clean. Trainer cum technical support. It just added on to my job description last month either that or it's the fine print that I've missed out when I signed the work papers when I first joined in a year and a half ago. Oh well, I'm rambling again. Got to go, so this barbarian's signing off. Bye.

June 5th, 2006

2006-06-05T16:59:00.000+08:00

Monday. One word says all. I got a full class today. Meaning I got like 20 Pax. Halfway through, my sales told me, I got 22 guys. I just stood there looking at her and she obviously did not see my eye brow twitch. I set up my class for 20 pax that means having 11 routers (10 for them and 1 for me). We (my beloved company) does not have any spare routers. even if we do have it, I can't connect any more because there's just 10 serial connections to one core router. This would mean the extra two guys would not be able to participate in my class because they have no PC to use and no routers to configure. Needless to say, the extra two were hopping mad. Then after a few phone calls (and lots of dead brain cells later), we found out that the Human Resource on the customer's site was at fault. Apparently, the HR sent the wrong memo to the two. The two gentlemen (even after they were boiling mad, they were still pretty much in control), were "ordered" to leave by the HR Head of Department.

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Yesterday, I went for a church visitation and visited a church that I haven't been in a long time, City Discipleship Presbyterian Church (CDPC). Good to visit the kids again, I missed the people there and the kids. I felt so touched when the kids remembered me. The people there, very warm and very friendly (made me feel so fuzzy inside). I went there with my girl and another female friend.

I ate quite a fair bit on food yesterday (heavy breakfast, heavy lunch and afternoon tea and then dinner). By the way, the time difference between the heavy breakfast and heavy lunch meal was only 45 minutes difference. Oh boy, I feel a bit bloated this morning. Sigh. Penance later on I'm sure.

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Joke of the day (actually I've heard this one before but it's nice so I'll post it up)

IMPACT OF JOB-CHANGE

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years .

May 29th, 2006

2006-05-29T22:00:00.000+08:00

Mark is here! Mark and Neena (you can find their blog from my link list). I haven't got a chance to meet them yet but I'm looking forward to meet them. Mark, if you're reading this, call me okay before you go back to Canada.

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My latest grumbling? Monday. What other words could describe it? Went to office and found out that I am now a contractor. I am now doing re-wiring and things like that. The thing is, I'm not saying that I am bitter that I'm the one doing it BUT I'm doing it ALONE. Sigh. Bite the bullet and move on with life. Then I found out that I'm not alone but with a junior. Not bad. Just the two of us. Still bites. The others are not helping. I'm there to do minion's work and so be it. The other seniors are not lifting any finger. Sigh.

May 25th, 2006

2006-05-25T15:22:00.000+08:00

Class ended well. Although I should have handled it better and probably could have handled it better, I did rather well. They were happy with the knowledge gained and I am happy to impart some knowledge to them.

One friend of mine asked me to write some stuff about love again. I wanted to but I think not. Too much to be said about love and maintaining love.

Other than that, I think the World Cup is going to give me a hard time when it comes. Simply because the participants would prefer to think about world cup rather than thinking about the course attending.

Que sara, sara.

May 23rd, 2006

2006-05-23T23:42:00.000+08:00

Much energy been spent on training. I find myself very, very tired at the end of every training day. I wish I was much fitter but I can only blame myself. Funny, I've gained enough knowledge to be good and better but my body just can't do it anymore. I'm moving as fast as I can in gaining knowledge but it seemed that my mental strength is diminishing with each passing moment. I believe it's common among all walks of life, where you gained wisdom and knowledge and yet failed because of some other factor. It's like you have only learnt your mistakes AFTER it has happened and wish that you could have known it much earlier.

In case if anyone is wondering what am I rambling about, I'm in a melancholy mood today and so my ramblings is about such matters. However, back to my life, my class is good. I'm teaching well enough and my clients (participants) are learning. Problem is you never know what kind of complaints you would get until after the class. I mean, if I were to ask them "how's things?", their answer often is "fine". But the complaints would only be heard after the class and to the ears of my sales person and would then be relayed to my boss. My boss in turned would calls me into his room and tongue lashes me. Oh well. I just hope that this week would be fine. I'm not in the mood to see my boss anytime soon. We shall see.

May 20th, 2006

2006-05-20T08:19:00.000+08:00

This whole week was not too bad. Not too bad at all. I have a colleague that had a horrible week this time round. The first day on Monday, his class of 4 pax turned out to be 18 and so there were things that one needs to setup to ensure that the class goes smoothly. This also means the materials for the participants were not enough. Photocopies were handed out instead. Problem that arisen from that is the participants were not allowed to scribble anything on the photocopied materials. The air-conditioning broke down (again) and it was agonizing for my colleague because it adds on the agitation to the participants. The participants were mostly guys and ONE female. In a classroom full of men and one lady stood out. Hmmm... guess who is the center of attention and guess who wants to share the computer/sit next to this lady? If that wasn't enough, Mr. Murphy decided to waltz into my friend's class and utterly, totally, demoralized the guy by making the equipment stop functioning and the lab to failed at certain areas. Man, I thought I had it bad. This is worse. Oh well, I'm glad that he's experienced enough to handle this kind of set backs and I'm sure he's glad that it's over. Time to move on.

Next time when you order a burger...

2006-05-17T16:07:00.000+08:00

I didn't realized how long I have put off writing to this blog. It's been five days. Anyway, yesterday was Alex Goh's b'day and nothing special happened yesterday. However, today I had to clean 17 PCs because of some idiot decided to download a couple of virus and worms and thus infecting all others. I manage to get it all out before lunch and things are pretty much the way it was.

Several days back, I went to Cyberjaya to attend a meeting. When the meeting was done, I was hungry. I went to a nearby burger stand (Ramli's burger) and ordered a "double chicken special with cheese". Yummy! I had to wait for 30 minutes because there were many orders. So I waited patiently. This was what I saw.

I saw a man standing from 5 o'clock in the evening till 3 o'clock in the wee hours of the night. I saw him cutting the burger buns with hands so familiar with the job that the hands itself could be doing on its own. Cutting the buns right down the middle without gauging the width of the cut for the hands know its cut is good. The buns were spread with butter and the two halves placed on the hot metal plate to toast the buns, all eight of it. The length of time is crucial for this part for if it is left too long on the hot plate, the buns would be at best dry both inside and out or at worst burnt to crisp.

The man, then would put the two halves together again, making sure the two halves were from the same piece orignially. The meat would be next to be on the hot plate. Making sure the heat would not be too hot, otherwise the meat would be black on the outside and the inside would be uncooked. No fat/oil would be used for the fats produced from the burger itself would be sufficient for the whole process of cooking the burger.

As he cooks the burgers, he would flip and would sprinkle some pepper and salt and adding dashes of Worcestershire sauce. Within a few minutes of cooking, he would use his spatula to split the burgers in half. This is to ensure the burgers would be properly cooked and he would spread mustard on the patties this time and be allowed to cook one last time. He knows putting the burgers too long would mean more waiting time for the customers but he must not rush for the burgers needed to be cooked properly before the customers consume it.

Patiently and impatiently the man cooks the burgers and finally took the burgers, all eight of the patties, and placed on the buns that he had toasted them earlier. He then would add the condiments, the vegetables and the likes such as the cheese before handing it to you, the customer. Since I'd ordered a special, he cracked an egg and spreads the egg on the hot grill and just as the egg cooks and before the egg burns, he places the two patties in the middle of the egg and wraps the patties with the egg with skill and then he places them on the prepared bun.

He apologizes for the lateness but I didn't mind. What I saw was a man trying to do his best and deliver to his customer the best. He made sure that each burger that goes out is good and satisfying to the customer. He is, to me, the best there is a worker could be and a server that serves his best to his customers.

I won, I won

2006-05-13T08:06:00.000+08:00

I won a prize. I actually won a prize.

It all started like this.

A guy called me while I was driving home from work and congratulate me on some gift that I won. I wasn't sure if it is a prank or some thing along those lines so I just said, "Ummm?". Then the man described how I won. I was picked when I placed my business card in a bowl (I did that lots) at one of the functions I attended (I attended lots). So when his company pulled out 10 winners, I was one of them, to a 3 days, 2 nights stay at this fancy 5-Star hotel at a neighbouring country and all the perks to go with it! He also said that the 10 married couple would need to claim the prize and state which date would they like to go.

"Married couple?" I asked to confirm.

"Yes....are you married by the way?"

"Well...not yet".

"Oh sorry to say that you'll have to be excused out of the prize. I didn't mean to burst your bubble. I thought that you are already married."

Sigh. I then have to concede that fact and gave up my trip to somewhere to someone else. Sigh. I could use a vacation. I really could. Oh well, life goes on.

April 10th, 2006

2006-05-10T13:40:00.000+08:00

I'm still waiting for the impact but it is either put on hold or he, my boss, ignored it. I have two very good remarks and two very lousy remarks so I don't know if he wants to take me down for that two remarks. The rest was just average. Anyway, a friend of mine asked me to write a "love letter" for everyone since I can talk and write well. So I'm going to write something here... this is so not me. Not my writing style but I'll give it a shot. I suppose to write a poem but I can't rhyme or anything that falls into that category so I'll write a love piece.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"The first time I saw you, I felt nothing but when you smiled at me, I smiled in return but my smile does not justify the warmth that I felt in my heart as it grows with the passion that is stirring within

But your smile has burnt an image of love in my mind that I can't, shan't forget lest I die but woe is me for I am without a single drop of hope to win you over in a short time...

I can only but hope for a small token of return for my passion of you. Though love is a passion in itself but its only a part of it. Ha! How can I then reduce a whole passion in one word called love?

Aye! My eyes has failed to see past the beauty of you on the outside but I, thank God, have a heart that showed me a deeper level within you. My heart pushes my limited passion higher than I could have perceived. For that I am greatful.

I am, but another, person that longs to hold you, hold you tight but through the struggles that I go through, I will endure, endure I will.

Through it all, I strongly believe, I will reach the finish line that would allow me to enter into your life, your heart, your soul.

Until then, you will be at the end of the tunnel that I see and your face gives me the passion that will drive me fourth towards you.

No other could, would, should give me the level of passion that fuels my desire to run, to reach my destination; to be with you..."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Okay. That's a laugh. I can't believe that I wrote this piece. Total time it took me to write : 7 minutes. So plagiarized all you like but it would do you no good if it blows up in your face. Sigh. Oh well. I did gave it a shot so any comments? I give myself 3.5 of 10.

Brace for the impact

2006-05-08T17:16:00.000+08:00

I finished my class now and I got some very good reviews but two very bad reviews and so will I get another tongue lash? I don't know. I really don't know. If I do get another one, how many more tongue lashes can I take? Therefore, I will brace for impact. My boss is definately going to see me and asked why is my review so bad? I can't help it if they don't have the foundations first before stepping into my class. After all, how come the rest could follow?

Attention all decks. Brace for impact. Tongue lash in sight.

What more do I have to say

2006-05-06T00:23:00.000+08:00

Today I have regained myself and my composure. Ever since the day I went out from my boss's room, I wasn't myself. I tried but just not myself. A different me is born. So true. So true. I am happy for one thing though, I am happy for finding my peace and it's a good thing. Perhaps that is what I've been missing in my life and perhaps that what God wants to reveal to me but I wouldn't listen and so this situation made me realized what I've been missing. I am greatful for that.

However, the bitter taste in my office left me with a permanent scar, and I have made up my mind on two things. One, I will be a good colleague from now on. Two, I have no friends in office. This means, I would help out in everything that is office related but I will not trust anyone from my office and so if I don't trust people, then I won't get hurt so badly. Some things have turned ugly and so I have to do something to protect myself. Don't like it but, I just have to do it.

On lighter side of things. The sewage pipe leaked pretty bad and the whole lobby area stinks of poo. Try waiting for the elevator that could take five minutes and your whole body stinks of poo when you arrive at your destination. The leak went down to three basements and its really, really bad. Sigh. What a week.

May 4th, 2006

2006-05-04T08:41:00.000+08:00

Reporting today of yesterday's events, this is Brian Chew.

Event Number 1.

Had to climb seveal flights of stairs for yesterday and today as well due to some malfunction in my office build's elevator. So it was pretty tiring for me and most likely it would be pretty tiring for me today as well. Sigh. But I can't complain much, my stop is at 5th floor and not at the 13th (highest) floor and so this means that I would be getting my daily exercise too for the today as well. I usually carry my company's laptop/notebook and an umbrella and so I'm pretty okay for climbing stairs. On to event number 2.

Event Number 2

Second item on the list of problems of my office building, the sewage pipe that leads to the sewage tank got stuck and so EVERYONE in this building is NOT permitted to go to the toilet. So there were have, a toilet that you can't go and if you really need to go, you need to go to the next adjacent building to pee or something else. But wait, isn't that the elevator's not working too? Yes it is. So to go to toilet, you must walk down the stairs, then go to the adjacent building and then come back, climb the stairs as the procedure to relieve yourself. Pathetic isn't it.

Event Number 3

Third item is that I'm staying on course with this new batch and things are okay. How's my fear you ask? The answer is, it is still there but coping.

This is Brian Chew reporting from my office. Over and out.

May 2nd, 2006

2006-05-02T17:15:00.000+08:00

I had a horrible weekend right from Friday night till Sunday and spilt over to yesterday. I have this re-occuring dream that I scolded and pinned for something I thought, in my judgement, was best for me to do things. Instead, I got punished and I don't think I could ever get over this. The trauma that inflicted upon me left me a sense of fear. Not that deep of turning into a morbid type but deep enough. I hate this. I really hate this. Fear has crept into my life and I can't function well or as well as I should/could.

Fear is something that paralyzes people and anything that can paralyzes you to function is bad. I try to eliminate fear in my life altogether. Why should I allow fear to control my life? Most of the time fear is just there to stop you from doing things but may not happen but some how this incident causes me to freeze in my tracks. Having said that, this fear is real because my boss will monitor me and the chances that I get screwed is pretty high and so technically if I were to remove this fear, I must either be on his good side or I quit this place altogether. I've moved too many times and so I don't feel like moving anymore. Furthermore, there is no point for me to move JUST because of this fear. I still don't like it. I'll take this job, till I'm dead or this company find someone better. How's that?

Coming back to my horrible weekend. I did, however, find solace in yesterday's dinner with the other donkey and chicken again. Suresh and Audrey together with William and Sharon. Esther and I enjoyed it pretty much last night. The amount of food we had for "Steam boat" was tremendous. Could easily feed half a squad of Gurkhas. So our waist-line expanded (about an inch and a half) but at that one sitting, I had forgotten about my fear. So that was good.

Waking up this morning was hard. Not only because it rained last night and so the cooler weather makes it harder to get up but also the dreaded fear. So, I gritted my teeth and go to the office early. Why? So I can get myself mentally prepared first before the class starts. Sigh, if I'm going to do this every day, then I'd better get this to be my routine. By making it as a routine, then I won't have to be afraid so much. Part of my job. Sigh. But still...oh well.

Today was okay. Let's see tomorrow.

Too little, too late

2006-04-29T08:25:00.000+08:00

Following the post I had made on April 25th regarding my problems and things I need to change, well, my work evaulation came up short of being satisfactory because of those problems I had mentioned and so I got a tongue lash from my boss. Had expected it but never would have thought it blew into a bigger proportion because of my boss dragged pass history into the argument and so it was downhill in a short time and manage to salvage the "meeting" and hopefully it's resolved. See how it goes.

On another news, a sadder news to report, Chrissy's father just passed away yesterday morning and had the wake yesterday evening. Heart failure.

April 27th, 2006

2006-04-27T17:35:00.000+08:00

I finished the class today with some hurtful feelings in my heart. I poured out to this class and what do I get in return? I got a one point of five points for my training when they, the participants, gave an evaluation on the training as a whole. Though not all gave me one point, I got a full five in others, but I guess I should have expected it because the participant couldn't follow the class and so I got blamed instead. The law of averages is good for me but how will my boss see this as? It's almost a given in a class that when you have a bad participant, and that participant is either slow or not qualified to join the group, those are the participants that will give bad evaluation almost every single time. That's my life as an instructor. Tiring, really tired physically and mentally. Can't wait to go back home. See ya.

26th April, 2006

2006-04-26T17:36:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARGARET! That's the thing I wanted to write first. She's &% years old today and what I was told was she had lost her voice during a karaoke session last night. What a celebration that must be.

Yesterday, I went back home early and I looked up and saw a beautiful sky. How I wish I could see it more often. How I wish I wouldn't miss anymore of those scenes. An almost perfect blue with white, cotton clouds hung in the sky. The yellow sun was turning redder with each passing minute and with the wind that blows up in that high level, seemed to be pulling the cotton clouds into fibre like. I smile at those instances. My only regret was I didn't have a digital camera or some sort to take the picture of the sky.

Class today is good. Meaning I manage to stay on course schedule and I could guide them well. That's good enough for me. Only thing about my job that I often complain is that I feel so physically drained because I need to stand all the time and so at the end of the day, I would need to sit down. What other stuff that is hazardous to my health? I talk too much. In this line of work, I have to talk and the more I talk, the better a trainer I would seem to be. So again, at the end of the day, I could be dying of thirst. Whew. Today is a good day because of the energy that I spend is not wasted by the information that the participants being absorbed (almost equal amount today) so it's a good thing.

April 25th, 2006

2006-04-25T16:49:00.000+08:00

The past few weeks has been good to me. It's not that I did anything fantastic or I struck a jackpot or anything like that. What I mean good was that I was able to pin-point some of my mistakes and I found some stuff that I should be working on to make me a better person. Ugly things such as :

Not patient enough. Yes, I am rather impatient in certain things and so I must learn to control my anger which leads to my second problem
Anger problem. My anger problem is not so much lies with being snappy just rather impatient and so I tend to flare up.
Prayer problem. I don't have a particular problem with prayer but I haven't done enough
Self-flogging. I flog myself for the smallest things but for me this is probably the most difficult one to manage. I mean, being critical about myself is part of me and it's going to take ALOT of effort for me to change this problem
Jealousy. Yes, everyone has it, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't improve myself on this. I could easily say "since everyone has it, then it's okay". My own answer is, "I know it though. And it's not a good feeling to have" and after all, if everyone else has it doesn't mean that I should have it too right? This is not the jealousy of "his girlfriend is prettier than mine" but coveting other stuff too.

So there you have it. My human stains personally wrote out to you readers. I know its not going to be an overnight change and if you readers knows me, let me know of my mistakes and hopefully I would listen and change. Thanks again.

An Ex-convict, A Victim and a New Friend

2006-04-22T08:24:00.000+08:00

Before I forget, I want to wish my cousin-in-law, Chrissy, a very Happy B'day tomorrow. Most likely I won't be updating my blog tomorrow and so I want to wish her a Happy Birthday first. Anyway, I never had the thought of updating my blog today too but I'm going to post something that has happened to me before and since I have nothing to write I'll pull out one of my pieces that I wrote for my church.

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Initially I was prepared to write another article regarding the amount of love of God for us but something happened in one of my days that prompt me to write this piece. In fact, I had written the other article on paper but have yet to type the paper in electronic format. The verses above each paragraph are part of the famous song that Phil Collins wrote and sang, “Another day in paradise”. I was just wondering how to start my new piece and this song came to me and I think it is a good start for my article.

She calls out to the man on the street,
Sir, can you help me?”

It was Sunday and I was on my way to Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA) to pick up Esther as she was coming back from a trip to Taiwan. I had decided to go to KLIA by the way via USJ and had to pass through the toll too. Since it was late Sunday afternoon there was no traffic in sight, bright sunny day, and seemed like a smooth journey. I looked at my watch, it showed 11:45 a.m., still early; she had told me to pick her up at about 1:00 p.m. I came to the toll to pick up a ticket, thanking the operator I continued my journey. As I slowly drove away from the toll, I noticed a person on the left side of the road about 100 meters away. Normally I would just glance and moved on but this guy was doing something that I haven’t seen anyone doing in Malaysia (from my driving experience). He was using his thumb to point at the direction that I was heading. A hitchhiker! That was what my brain interpreted. I looked at my rear-view mirror and both my side mirrors and swerved to the left, towards him.

It’s cold and I’ve nowhere to sleep,
Is there somewhere you can tell me?

I had decided to play safe a bit and wind down the window just a bit to ask a few questions first. As I did that, he came running and stood at my car’s front passenger’s door. He was an Indian ethnic, short, looked about late twenties or early thirties, having a paunch and an angry scar on the left side of his face. No bags, no item carried and probably that the reason why I had decided to pull-over. Before I could open my mouth, he asked me if I was heading south to Johor Baru. I told him ‘No, not that far’ but I told him that I was going to KLIA. I guess I wind down the window a bit too low as his hand just came through my window on my passenger’s side and pulled my door’s lock up. At this moment, I could do two things, I could step on the gas and moved on but that may injure him as his hand may get caught dangling while trying to hold on for his dear life. The other thing that I was thinking of was to wind up the window and would trap his hand. Which I did, and he was caught. I can see the panic in his eyes. I had even unbuckled my seatbelt and prepared myself to engage physically if needed be. I asked him “Where are you going?” in Bahasa and he responded by saying, anywhere south. He said that he was going back to his hometown, Johor Bahru. After a few more questions and the heat from the afternoon sun was killing him, I finally decided to let him in. He came in, thanking me profusely for about 10 minutes while explaining how he was in that situation.

He walks on, doesn’t look back
He pretends he can’t hear her

For the next few minutes this is what I know, he told me that he was standing there for four hours, since eight a.m. He also told me that he had taken a lift to the toll by hitchhiking a lorry and that he had been trying to thumb-lift since then. Most of the cars never even bothered to look at him and some of the other lorry drivers were going at a different direction and some of the lorry drivers were saying that they were not willing to take him as they were afraid. He said that he doesn’t blame them but he was desperate. At first, he was standing at the toll seeking shelter and seeking help but the workers at the toll told him off and went into the sun. All these while we were conversing in Bahasa then he told me that he could speak Chinese. So he then switched languages and started to talk to me in Hokkien (a dialect). I find that pretty amusing, since my Hokkien is worse than my Bahasa, but I still could make out what he was saying (in general).

Starts to whistle as he crosses the street
Seems embarrassed to be there

His full name I cannot remember or able to pronounce well. I know that his surname is Pillai (pronounced as Pee-lay). He is an ex-convict. Yes, I told myself. Here I am, in the middle of nowhere, heading towards KLIA along the highway with an ex-convict, in my car! Then I messaged Florence Lim. I had an incoming message earlier that I had forwarded to her and then I also included the fact that I am sitting with a stranger in my car who is an ex-convict. I asked him which prison he was from and for how long he was there. I asked him in Bahasa and he replied in Bahasa as well and told me he was in Kajang prison and managed to hitch-hiked all the way here. He was released on this same day at six a.m. that morning. He told me that he was in prison for a period of six months. He told me that he was totally sorry for what he had done and had repented.

She calls out to the man on the street
He can see she’s been crying

He mentioned a few times that he was so sorry for what had happened for it was a mistake, he knows it was his fault and promised that he won’t do it again. He told me in a sure voice, almost crying. At that moment, I was thinking and guessing about what he was in for? He couldn’t have killed someone (death sentence or life sentence in Malaysia) so what was he in for? Then I asked boldly what crime he had committed. He told me “assault and battery”. And I was thinking “Great! Assault and batter and he’s here with me!” I think he saw the concerned look on my face and told me about it.

She’s got blisters on the soles of her feet
Can’t walk but she’s trying

He told me that he had done a small project for an employer. So he worked and managed to complete the job for this employer but this employer said that he has no money to pay him and could never pay him. Feeling cheated, he demanded for his payment but again the employer refused and told him that he has no money. Mr. Pillai was poor and needed the money but the employer asked him to “get lost”. In rage, he took a stone/rock and struck his employer on the head. Mr. Pillai was charged, tried and put in prison for six months. A victim, in my opinion, bullied, exploited by the rich. Six months he was there in prison. He told me he repented. I was thinking, if I were in his shoes, what would I have done? Such a thing happened to him and he repented? Would you or would I do the same? I gave a quick thought that he was probably repenting for his anger that he couldn’t control. Would you? Would I? Repent? Near in tears he told me his story. I would take his words because he has no reason to lie to me, stranger, and in tears. The same “no reason to lie” to tell me that he is an ex-convict to convince me even more to drive him south.

Oh Lord, is there nothing more anybody can do
Oh Lord, there must be something you can say

He continued his story and told me about his scar on his face, a mean looking streak across his left side of his face. He told me that when he was with his employer, there were, in the room was not just the two of them but with a few others of his employer’s hired hands. They took a thing (he couldn’t recall what it was) and hit his face with it and so it became a permanent scar on his face when it healed. The others overpowered him and took him to the police station to have him charged. A victim. The word keeps repeating in my mind and now a victim with a record. Would anyone want to hire an ex-con? A bully and a victim situation. I then proceeded on to ask him about his family if he has one. He told me he has one wife with three kids, all under ten years of age. I couldn’t remember all the three children’s age but one of which is four. His wife is working as a cleaner and is expecting him home soon. Mr. Pillai had subtly asked me for a bit of money by saying that he would like to go home soon and was wondering if he could buy some spices for his wife or something for his family. I didn’t know what to do. I had with me fifty Ringgit and was saving it for the next five days. I told him of my situation in which he was nearly in tears, again.

You can tell from the lines on her face
You can see that she’s been there

During the journey, I was also sending SMS to Florence now and then as I drove and chat, just taking steps to prevent one of those things that may have, could have happen. Just in case. But along the journey, it came to my senses that this Mr. Pillai, must be hungry as well as tired. He was standing out there in the hot sun for a long time, plus he left the prison since six. I had doubt that he was given a last meal for him in prison. So I had decided to stop at a halfway point. Halfway between KLIA and the toll there happens to have a stopping station for motorist to stretch out their legs, buy food, etc for the rest of the journey. You know what I’m talking about. I told him that I would like to stop there for a drink and wondering if he wants something to eat too. I don’t mind spending some money for him on food and so I offered. He said thank you and yes he would like to accept the offer. He also said that he would like to be left there and would try to look for a ride from there since there would be plenty of drivers stopping there. I felt a sense of relief and a sense of pity that I am sort of abandoning him. Who else would help him? Who else would be kind enough to send him closer to his home, to his wife and kids?

Probably been moved on from every place
Cos she didn’t fit in there

So I kept my word and parked my car at the halfway point. I told him to follow me to purchase the items. I tried to lead the way, and when I looked back, he wasn’t there. He stayed near my car. I was wondering if he was ashamed or whether I would look for help or anything like that of a sort. Anyway, I bought a drink for myself and I bought him a bottle of water and bread for him too. I have also decided to give him ten Ringgit, just a little something. Would that be enough? Enough to get him home in Johor? I think not but that’s all I can afford. I went back to my car and yet again he was standing in the hot sun. I then handed him the drink, bread and money and he was almost in tears for the third time and he didn’t look at me in the eye and there were no words from his mouth. He accepted my offering, shaking his head a little bit. He and I shook hands, a simple wave goodbye and we went our separate ways. As I reversed my car out of the parking lot, I saw him sitting in the shade in the eating/resting area. Drinking the water that I gave, with his head drooped down, sad face and an angry scar was the last image of Mr. Pillai that I remembered. I also remembered that he told me that God would bless me for what I have done for him, what kindness I have shown to him when he was sitting next to me a few minutes before our final stop. I stepped on my car’s accelerator and head towards my destination. Praying for him as I go and I was wondering if what I gave was enough.

Oh think twice, it’s another day for
You and me in paradise

I have no intention to write this article to show how good a Samaritan I am. I just want to share some of the ugliness of the world that you and I are familiar with, had and/or experiencing now. I have written this article to show how ugly the world is and we are called to use whatever means possible through the usage of goodness to help reduce the ugliness. I will not debate whether or not God had compelled me to go to him or I was lucky or God was protecting me all the while and compelled him to ask me to drop him at the halfway point. But I believe this much, in my heart I believed that God was smiling (to me or at the situation it does not matter) and Mr. Pillai and I was part of the cause of that smile. Whatever happened to Mr. Pillai? As far as I know, only God knows. He is just another nobody in the eyes of many with an exception, perhaps, in the eyes of his family. Until now, whenever I recalled this incident, my heart feels heavy. Not only wondering what is happening to Mr. Pillai but remembering the ugliness of human nature. We are called to be light and salt of the world. Perhaps it could start by how we see each other.

Oh think twice, it’s just another day for you,
You and me in paradise

(Note: Though many people may not want to pick up a stranger and even I do not encourage it myself, it was a spontaneous act that I would not normally do or if I didn’t have the time or if I was with somebody.)

April 20th, 2006

2006-04-20T17:13:00.000+08:00

I went to a conference yesterday and I met some old colleagues and friends. It's a good feeling. I feel that I still belong to the same group and better since I can stand on my own two feet without having to shiver infront of them. You see, I use to have the fear when I am with them because I lack authority to backup what I want to say. Being in the computer technical line, I sometimes dread opening my mouth because I may say the wrong things and make myself a fool. I do that when I'm amongst friends but not this crowd. Too much pride at stake here. Now, I feel that I'm equal having spent those days(and nights) studying, learning and practicing what I preach and making sure whatever that comes out of my mouth (technically at least) is good. So meeting up with them to talk about a new launch product is good. I feel proud all around but I have to becareful because of my nature, my heart is easily tempted to be prouder still.

I have no qualms about people having some pride and pride itself is not sinful. A little pride does one no harm. In fact builds you up. Problem? How much is too much? I know that I would beam with pride when I know that I did a good job but I also would know if I were to continue to feel proud of my work, I would boast of it (indirectly but still boasting nonetheless). From here, I look up and see God and remembered how pitiful and stupid I am and recall Roger Federer's words, "It's nice to be important but it's also important to be nice". Very powerful words from the current World Number 1 since his words are taken seriously by the whole world. I wish I have a built-in meter that tells me how much pride I have and then I would know how to bring it down. Oh well, life goes on.

April 18th, 2006

2006-04-18T16:53:00.000+08:00

I just finished my class and I found out my passion towards work hasn't slacked but actually increased. As I guide the participants to finish the practical side of work, I found myself to enjoy more of it. It makes me feel good about myself when I see them making the "practical test" work and seeing their faces that they understood (I wonder if you, Vinh, have the same feeling) and I guess that this is my gift from God. This is ME and loving it.

What's the downside then? Read on.

The downside is that my company is bullying me. They are pushing me to sign a two year contract that is 100% in their favour and so I try to negotiate but seemed that the General Manager does not know what the word "negotiate" means. Sigh. Two years and 100% bullied. This is not what I had in mind when I join the company. So I'll try again to "negotiate" with my General Manager to see if I could somehow reduce the 100% in the company's favour. If that doesn't work, I'll figue the next step out. I just want to rant and rave on this to everyone but something's holding me back and so I'll bite my tongue on this. I hate switching to another place. I've been in this company for a year plus now and this is my 5th company in a span of 7 working years. This is just not good for me. Woe is me.

17th April, 2006

2006-04-17T17:49:00.000+08:00

I finally got my participants out of my classroom. It's nearly six o'clock and so it's late. They should go back home or have appointment somewhere. I spent this time to fix the mess one of the participants did (configuring wrongly on one of my switches) and so I need to do something about it. Anyway, yesterday was refreshing for me as I went to Bangsar Lutheran Church to worship and Esther and I found it was a good sermon.

Later in the afternoon, I was thinking of going to the PC Fair that was held in KLCC to get myself a PDA but luckily for me, the rain came and boy it poured and I decided not to go. Then a phone call came in, a few days ago I asked my collegue to find out the price of the PDA that I wanted since he was going there and he reported that the model that I wanted wasn't on sale and a double joy for me. Good thing I didn't go all the way there just to find out that the model that I wanted isn't there on any of the shelves. Now, I got about 500 bucks in my hand (not much but something at least) to spend on something else. So I've decided to get myself a new DVD player that I've lusted for sometime now. Either that or a new cell-phone. My cell-phone is 4 years old and its battery is nearing its life-span. So I'll take the chance of extending my decision of buying a new phone till probably end of the year or something. Great, so now I can watch my DVDs that I'd collected sometime back.

April 15th, 2006

2006-04-15T04:29:00.000+08:00

Nothing much happened today, just a note saying "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" to Karen Tham and Pei Shan who share the same birthdate today. I'm doing fasting today from sunrise to sunset. It's not difficult if I were to do it one day only and I'm just fast myself from solids and therefore liquid diet only. I wish more could be said about Good Friday but Good Friday's topics could be found in multitude and so I choose not to say things about Good Friday. Personally, I think it shouldn't be called Good Friday (since it's related to betrayal and ultimately death) and there are just too many things involve that is out there commercializing it, meaning making money out of this "celebration". It's not a celebration but a commemoration but opportunists would take this and twists it to their own favour.

Sorry got side tracked there, I get all worked up when I see a not-too-good opportunist at work. Oh well, till next time then.

Income Tax Declaration Day

2006-04-13T16:53:00.000+08:00

I just came back from the Income Tax department, I found out that I can't hand in my income tax over the counter anymore. The government is encouraging its people to do their income tax via the internet. This means I have two choices, either to go there and register myself to do my declare my revenue via the net or I fill in the usual declaration form and mail it to them. I then looked at my two options and looked at the form that I was holding (took me about an hour and a half on HOW to fill in the form) and then took the special envelope (big, blue and postal paid for) and just go to the nearest postal box and drop it in. Sigh. Drove all the way there for nothing. Oh well, besides that...I'm going to enjoy myself tomorrow. I'm on leave from today till tomorrow and thus having a looonnnngggg weekend. Yeah! Tomorrow's Good Friday and so I'll be fasting... sort of. I've made my decision to fast from sunrise to sunset. Catch you later readers.

12th April, 2006

2006-04-12T16:41:00.000+08:00

I been meaning to write yesterday but I was just sooooo tired. I went out from early morning till late afternoon/evenings. Had a marvellous time with Suresh, Audrey, William and Sharon. Esther and I felt very comfortable with them and yes it was a tripple date thingy. Had steam boat, eat till our bellies were full and laugh till our jaws ache. Friendship like these I wish it could, would and will last forever.

Both Suresh and I agreed that William is now brought down to earth by Sharon and would not be able to run wild like Mustangs in the praries anymore. Sharon, if you're reading this, believe me it's a good way of saying "welcome to our fellowship/club" and you'll fit just right in.

Anyway, that was yesterday. Today is a bad day for me. Almost nothing I planned works. I had a lunch appointment and I need to cancel it because another person just waltz into the office and since this person has higher preceedence, I had to cancel the lunch appointment I had earlier. I also planned to have dinner with an old friend. A good friend whom I can never get an appointment other than e-mails and telephone to communicate with previously and set a dinner date. And wouldn't you know it, Mr. Murphy strolls right along and told me that this friend is sick and had to cancel the dinner appointment too. So there goes the dinner plan too. I was looking forward to this but never could. Oh well, such as life.

10th April, 2006

2006-04-10T14:35:00.000+08:00

Oh what a wonderful mmmmooorrrnnningg, oh what a wonderful dayyyyy, NOT!

I guess I started my morning with a good foot forward. Meaning, I manage to pull my carcass up by quarter past seven and manage to head to my office before everyone else does. Had a nice enough breakfast, with coffee mixed with tea and a nice steamed pork bun. Then I had a chat with someone and found out about something that I lay buried (purposefully) surfaced up again. Old wounds, sigh.

Things began to go downhill from there. Old wounds surfaced because I ripped it open. I ripped it open because I am the only one feeling it 'cause I caused it myself. Not like some of the wounds where the third party is the cause. Old wounds that I self-inflicted because of my own guilt. I screwed up on a particular situation and so I am flogging myself over it. Problem is everytime I get to see the particular situation, I begin to flog myself again. People like me, forgiving others is MUCH easier than forgiving oneself.

So what did I do? I skipped my lunch, stopped at my favourite Chinese tea shop for a while and drank Chinese tea with the sales person. Very nice. Both the tea and the sales person. As I drank a very good Chinese tea down my throat, I then begin to relax a bit. As I chat with the sales person, I begin to find myself releasing the whip that I so viciously flog myself with. I bought the nice Chinese tea and will be drinking it at my leisure and will remind myself to relax and to stop flogging over things that has happened five years back. Old wounds you see, keeps coming back but the key to your sanity is to forgive yourself. Problem with that is, it comes back again and again and to counter that, you MUST continue to forgive yourself (unless you have no conscience or have come to a point of understanding your decision at that time is just folly and unwise and have moved on since). I haven't come to that stage yet. Until I do, I will have to forgive myself.

April 7th, 2006

2006-04-07T08:58:00.000+08:00

It's nine in the morning. Ha! My most early update. I felt bad for not updating because I normally would update earlier but something held me back. Like two days ago, I had to meet up with the infamous Ms. Goh (the one that lost her wallet - refer to Friday, March 24th article) so I didn't have time to write my blog. I was keeping the item to write later. Then there was yesterday, yesterday was bad because I had to meet with another friend that has something to give me right after work and so again, I delayed my blog.

Okay, since it is early in the morning and I had my cup of coffee, I will now write my blog. First things first. In a rush for work today, I forgotten to take my wallet. Yikes. I mean, yes I was late for work and so I rushed and left my wallet. Then I was caught in the jam. I almost had to fight tooth and nail and every inch of the way. When I was about to reached my parking spot, I was caught in another jam, some organization was having a marathon run and so I was blocked. So I had to sit in my car, listening to Wierd Al Yankovic's number "Eat It", while waiting for the person to let me pass. Then I parked after a good five minutes later. As I walked, I found my stride to be smooth and so I was wondering about that then I realised that my FAT wallet isn't with me. Hmmm. My FAT wallet is due to all the receipts (yes I'm one of them) and so I had to go back to my place during lunch hour to get to my wallet. Otherwise, I'll be eating grass and further more I got a movie to catch, "Ice Age 2".

Anyway that's my morning thus far, back to my posts.

The meeting with Ms. Goh was pleasant. Nice lady of independent mind set and pretty outspoken. Had a couple of drinks with her and she and I talked for a good two hours. Nothing much, just a normal chat and I think that I made a good "first impression" on her and so she won't get threatened by a stranger. After all, I don't know her besides her name and her age, etc. Funny on how I think of it now, I got to know her personal stuff without getting to know her personally yet. What else about her? She camp outdoors too, she works as a transciptor/translator, she's living in with her boyfriend, etc. Not bad for the first two hours of "getting to know you". I'd really enjoyed the conversation with her and I hope it's vice versa. She's also looking for a job as a Personal Assistant at the moment, a full time job while doing translation as a part-time job.

What else? I watched the show, Lucky Number Selvin, good plot. Very good plot. Didn't really enjoyed it because in my country they do a fair bit of censoring and since it was censored at certain areas, the movie wasn't played smoothly and was definitely disjointed. Other than that, it was a good movie.

Okay, I'd better go now, my boss's presence is around and so I must continue to do my stuff. Till next time.

Oh yeah, Desby, if you're reading this, Happy B'day. You're what? 99 years old now right?

April 4th, 2006

2006-04-04T17:22:00.000+08:00

I stumbled onto a nice blog site. Nice blog site meaning this is what a blog should be not some ramblings of whatever comes to mind but everyday stuff that's been happening and what you tell them and show to the world that you live in.

I stumbled onto this site by seaching for the word "hack". Being a computer person, I'm interested if there is a life of a hacker out there and sharing his/her hacking life. I don't have that much time to search or did I find a blog about my interest BUT I did find a site that is just filled with life and how much this person shares to the world/readers.

Try this site New York Hack.

I find it very amusing, interesting, etc.

Besides that, what I did today? Nothing much, just having a "Train-the-trainers" session where I have two rookies to train them up to be at least presentable trainers and so I need to have a session with them. Tricks of the trade of presenting, etc. First topic to use as the training base, TCP/IP. I am so thrilled with this topic (*big sarcasm here*). Well, they survived the first day. I'm monitoring them and I'm giving pressure by giving an exam (two exams actually) to test their knowledge. Since they are under me, might as well push them and let them learn something right?

To err is human

2006-04-03T16:28:00.000+08:00

Okay folks. Today I'm feeling a bit philosophic. I was reading my previous blog and I noticed that use the words "common mistake". That's the thing, it's a common mistake. We've all done it. That's why is it known as a common mistake. That's what being human is all about. We know this, we also know we are not perfect. We know this too but the problem is we never SEE that we are imperfect. Sigh.

The phrase "To err is human, to forgive devine", should be written as "To err is human, oh how we think we are devine". We see other people's mistake but we don't see ourselves. We see mistakes in other people's children but we believe our own children are angels. Believe me, your children are angels if and only if the parents know that their children are not perfect and need guidence and sometimes punishment. Anyway, coming back to this topic, because everyone else thinks that he/she is perfect, then there is really no way to know the truth. The truth is warped and we "defines" the truth. Meaning, since we are perfect, it is up to us to know whether this is the truth or not. Strictly speaking, it's only your opinion on whether or not it is truth. It doesn't even justify truth if 10 million people says 'yes' and only one says 'no'. Remember Copernicus? The world is ROUND. So says the ONE man. So this only gets to proof that even a single man can be right in a room of a million.

So then? How do you see your own imperfection? The answer is, you can't. That's the problem. So how to overcome this weakness? Accepting criticisms. The second problem coupled with the problem of "seeing ourselves as perfect" is "thinking that everyone else is wrong". If we see ourselves as perfect BUT can see that someone else is right, I believe that we could change for the better. Problem is, we NEVER see that someone else is right. Herein lies the problem, by seeing other people right, we see ourselves LOWER than they and so our ego can't take it. My question is, what's wrong about seeing ourselves wrong and they right? How do you judge that if they are right then how they could be HIGHER than you? The perfect God came down what more can we say to that?

So by keeping a check on our ego, I believe that it does create better people. It does makes us more humble, knowing that we are not perfect and knowing that the ones that are correct does not make them higher or any better. They are just correct in their judgement in their field. Learning to accept ones mistake is the first step, learning to accept other people's correction is the next step. Here ends my short article (didn't want to bore you too much you see).

Day of Fools

2006-04-01T09:51:00.000+08:00

April Fool's day. Nothing to fool about. My car's break pads needs changing and my car doesn't fool me. Sigh. More money to my car. Come to think of it, I haven't been taking care of my car of late and its slacking on my part and worse of all, it's showing. Sigh. That's the thing, I was taking car of it well initially then I did one of the most common mistake; take things for granted.

Anything else to note? Not much. Celebrated Esther's birthday the other day with a nice Tiramisu cake, coupled with dinner at a nice, sweet Italian restaurant. She had lasagne and I had a lamb shank. What else? I gave her some cash to buy herself a nice dress. She loves those. Oh well. Maybe I could come up with something from my own effort for her next year. May be. Just may be.

Knew It Wouldn't Last

2006-03-30T16:44:00.000+08:00

This week seemed like a bad week for just about everyone I know. Not all but just about. I have my own problems that I had to avoid (can't be fix so avoidence is necessary). I found out that my friend's mom is now hospitalized and diagnosed with cancer and everyone is trying to keep the chin up. I also found out a friend who got into a car accident and was asked to pay the damages even though it wasn't her fault, etc. Sigh. I knew it wouldn't last. Last few weeks was a bliss. Just a regular day at work, going to work and coming back from work, etc. It was good. Nothing much happened but it was not bad. Starting this week, things began to change to the worse for some bad for others.

I know how all of you guys and gals must be feeling right now. I too share the burden of life but hang in there, knowing that there are few of us that finds solace with one another. Hang in there people of the world, the law-of-averages may just prevail. Law-of-averages means "on the average". So if there are 10 good things in your life and there is 2 bad things in your life, then "on the average" it's 2 of 10 bad or 8 of 10 good. So hang in there, can't be all that bad.

28th March, 2006

2006-03-28T17:07:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was an unhappy day for me because of some personal issue that came into my life. I then decided to walk around a neighbourhood. It's a nice middle-middle class neighbourhood with a football (soccer for the North Americanos) field. As I walked around block, I kinda peep into the homes through the opened windows and since it was dinner time, there are families having dinner.

I smiled at the dinner scene.

Here I am, thinking about my problems and looking at the serene dinner setting those stranger were having, really puts something in my mind. The walls of home. That was what came into my mind. The protective walls of home seems to help elevate your downcast soul and eating with your family seems to have therapeutic capabilities when you know, even subconsciously, that you are within walls of love, walls of security, walls of comfort.

I'm out here thinking about my own problems when these people eating dinner with faces of comfort. Though I bet that they have their own problems too but it just seem for that one instant the problems were put to one side and left alone, even for a while, to eat with comfort. I then look at myself and try to see that the problems I have from an outsider, then it became clear to me that I too could have that and was envious that those people have it. So I walked tall once more, knowing well that I have love in my heart to carry me through. The love I got inside is an accumulation of love from my God, Esther, my family, my friends, etc.

I smiled again and went for my dinner.

Till next time folks.

A Black Obejct Found

2006-03-24T14:07:00.000+08:00

Okay. So my eight hours is a long eight hours. Anyway, let me tell you what happened on Sunday last.

Arriving at my dinner spot, I parked my car at the roadside and slowly strolling towards the eating place. Then I saw a dark, rectangular object on the tar road. So I picked it up and lo! It was a purse. Nice shiny, well kept, purse. I then looked around and saw no one nearby and decided to open it. In it was a few bucks but it has driving license, identity card and alot of other type of cards as well (discount cards and the likes). The owner is a lady by the name of Goh. No other information that I found that I could contact her. I tried to find some method to contact her but nothing. So I was wondering if I should :-

a. Give it to the police nearby.
b. Mail it to her.
c. Drive to her place and pass it to her.

Problem?

a. Do you think the police would be able to track her down and pass it to her on time? I mean I lost my wallet before and I was frantically calling banks and trying to get my documentation for my new license and identification cards, ATM cards, etc? By the time the police track her down, I think, she would have done all those tedious things herself.

b. Mail it to her? Sigh. Not possible.

c. I could do that. Problem is her address on her identity card states that she stays oh, I don't really know, two hundred kilometers away? So I could drive there, pass it to her relatives or some one who has her contact number and tell her that all her identification cards and everything inside her purse is okay.

Actually after careful digging, I found a business card. It wasn't her name. It belonged to another person, a man, that held a very high position in a company. So, it was a long shot, but what the heck. I called the guy and guess what? Bingo! He does know the girl. So after a few calls, he manage to pass Ms. Goh's phone number to me and I called her.

She didn't pick her cell phone up but after several times of trying, I got through. Sure enough she was stunned. I would be stunned too if I lost my wallet and a stranger calls me up and say, "Hello? Is this so and so? I believe you have lost something important right?". Those were my first lines of converstation. She was stunned and was not sure of what she was to say on her part. I continued on by saying that I found her purse and I demand some form of gratification (okay, I did not do the last bit....heheh). I did, however, told her that I found her purse at the location where I picked it up. I asked her for the identification card number just to be sure I got the right person. She recited the number without any hesitation and I said, "okay, shall we meet somewhere so that I could pass you your purse?". Then she mentioned the eating place near the parking lot where I found her purse. I went there, I called her and described my clothing so that she would be able to recognize me and then I pass it to her. She was still stunned but still able to talk. After a short chat, we parted.

Then while I was driving back, I decided to text message her introducing myself, and at the SAME time she text messaged me via my cellphone, "May I know your name"? I just laughed. I didn't even introduce myself when I handed her purse. So now, with proper introduction, she told me that she was too stunned to ask and I said, I know. It's okay. So that was that. Funny episode for me. Lesson to learn, keep your contact number in your purse, wallet.

Five Days Since

2006-03-22T08:51:00.000+08:00

I have not written my blog since five days ago. This is the longest period that I have not updated my blog but here's the summary.

I have decided to move my blogs to www.mygrumblings.blogspot.com. The primary reason being because it has more space allocated for me and thus I can put more pictures up.

The GUI (Graphic User Interface) is DEFINATELY better than blogdrive. The HELP assistance is much better and easier to find than in blogdrive, etc.

I feel that blogspot is better initially but decided to give www.blogdrive.com a try but this is one of the regrets that I have in my life. So BLOGSPOT is in BLOGDRIVE is out.

2. My Esther is back! Woohoo! She bought some stuff from Nepal. She told me tons of stories about doing ministry in Nepal and she even bought me a khukuri knife. I've always wanted a khukuri knife ever since I read the book about Gurkhas. It isn't big but a legit and nice looking one with a nice scabbard (leather and wood material).

3. I found a purse (belonging to some one by the name of Ms. Goh) and manage to locate her and pass her the purse. It was interesting because...I think I'll write my personal experience in a separate blog because it's going to be long. This incident happened on Sunday evening last.

4. I bought new badminton shoes. Good because my last pair of badminton shoes has no grip. I nearly fell a quite a few times when I was wearing my old ones last time.

5. I got a parking ticket. Sigh. Total of my foolishness is a hundred bucks (Malaysian RM of course) but I have to go to the authorities and try to plea for a lesser fine (most of the time it is possible to reduce by 50%). So I have to put on my best "puppy" look in front of the officer and see if I can pull it off.

That's all folks for now. I'll try to write again in eight hours time. See you around people.

Feeling nostalgic

2006-03-17T17:30:00.000+08:00

Okay folks, I'm pissed. Here I am with nice pictures and using this blog and somehow, I may have to move again but I'll see how it goes. The reason this time? I have only one Megabyte of picture space so I'll check if I can move into a bigger diskspace without doing the tedious moving or not. I've check at www.blogspot.com, it's pretty good and the limitation is 300 MB of picture space. I know that in friendster blogs, the limitation is 50 MB for picture space. Initially I thought of moving to blogspot but then again I thought of giving this blogsite a try. Sigh. So there you have it folks, check the size allocated for your pictures before you move in. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Anyway, moving on.

I have here two pictures to show to the world. Both pictures are pictures of my church members and the first picture of my "posse" is taken sometime in 2004 and the other is a picture taken sometime in 1995.

The second picture of my "posse" doesn't have my face in it because I didn't join in this fellowship right until end of 1999 and so you wouldn't see my face in there. But you would be able to see familiar faces. Some of them are no longer part of the group and moved on but some of them still there. Changes of some people can be seen quite clearly but others are smaller. However, some still remains. Oh well, you can't stay looking like a teenager forever (though some people still behaves like a teenager though).

P/s: Hey cousin, if you're reading this, I never would have thought you like to be in the middle of the group for a photo shoot.

In the mean time, I'll think about my position whether to move or not to move. This bites!

Underworld...two cents worth...

2006-03-16T17:30:00.000+08:00

Yeah, I went out late last night to watch Underworld 2 (that would explain that I'm tired and look like a lychan today). Anyway, here's my "dua kupang" worth.

If you haven't watch it, only read the first point. Skip the rest, I don't want to spoil the movie for you.

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1. Not a bad movie but they should have warned about "You should be familiar...very familiar with the first Underworld before you view the second one".

It was not that great an explaination by the father of all three males (who all are actually playing supporting roles in my opinion) in the second film. If you so happen to watch the second sequeal and skipping the first one, you won't know a few things. For example,

Who is this hybrid and how this hybrid can BE a hybrid and no one else can BE a hybrid (vampiric abilities and were-wolf abilities). I'll enlighten you on that matter, first there was this guy, Alexander Corvinus, who became immortal somehow (I can't remember...it was mentioned in the first Underworld) and had three sons. Yup, three sons. Two of the sons were twins. One of the twin, William, was bitten by a wolf and was the first were-wolf. The other, Marcus, was bitten by a moth (just kidding), a bat and soon became a were-bat, i.e. vampire. What happened to the third? Was not bitten by anything carried the genes of Alexander Corvinus. The decendent, the hero of both the movies, Michael Corvin, carries the genes and in the first movie he was bitten by the heroine AND the were-wolf and so he was the first hybrid.

This would give you some enlightenment in how the Michael Corvin got his "powers".

2. The movie's focus was Selene. In both the movie it was Selene as the heroine. The hybrid fella's just a supporting guy that has more powers than ANY of the villian but does not know how to use it. Probably because he's new with his new founding powers rather than Selene who became a vampire over 600 years ago had lots of practice, seeking revenge of her parents (mentioned also in the first and partially in the second Underworld).

3. The entire movie, the vampire and the hybird needs very little blood to survive. All they did was suck on each other's blood and they have enough energy to kill everyone that is deemed bad. I tell you, the amount of blood sucked in the show was not more than one litre. Okay, the bad vampire, Marcus, has to suck on a whole horse's for its blood to fill him up. Probably because he's the biggest honcho in the movie.Then there was this other villian, all grunts and noise, he was imprisoned in a tomb for all eternity (total was 800 years) and still have energy to kill, rampage and was in beserk mode. Mind you, this were-wolf was entombed and so no food for 800 plus years. Surely his fleas would have sucked HIM dry.

4. The original were-wolf and original vampire fighting a hybrid and a "turned" vampire scene was not good enough. Too short. You have the originals of the two breeds and then destroyed by their enemies by ripping them apart. The hybrid tore the upper snout of the were-wolf like me ripping a wing off a chicken. Then the heroine broke the original vampire's wing, chopped off his hand (very little blood spluttered out by the way) and pushed the villian to the chopter's turning blade to be shredded to pieces.

5. Not enough blood. The fighting scenes were not bad, story was poor but just plain not enough blood. Vampire movie, people getting shot, mutilated, etc but the amount of blood was just below my expectations.

6. So in the end, the hero and heroine CAN live and love each other forever. How sweet. All they have to do is to suck on each other for food (remember they only need less than one liter of blood) and then can battle villians etc. If they have an argument, all hell would break loose. I mean, they have super-strength and super healing ability, and if they get into an argument, catastrophic scene.

Anyway, that's all for now, feel free to add on to the comments on the movie. Brian signing off.

Beyond my horizon

2006-03-14T17:27:00.000+08:00

Looking at my wallet the past few days made me think hard, very hard, on what to do with my remaining money. Not much, it may or may not get me by till end of the month. It would be two more weeks till I get my next cheque and another three days for it to clear. I have a little extra reserved for any emergencies. Sigh. Some reserve it seem. Just a couple of hundred bucks. Where did all my money go to? Plenty of places. Most of it not for myself or at least not for my own pleasure. My car, my immediate family, insurance, the likes. So I'll have to find some way to stretch my money's worth for the next two weeks. Problem is my car's paint looks pretty bad now, actually more worse than the last time I'd checked. So it would be time for me to cough out 1,700 bucks to repaint my car. I just checked my tires and it seems that I need to get them changed too, soon, but not yet. So I need to allocate some amount for that as well. The price of having a car.

But you know what? Funny thing is, I'm still not worried. In fact, I am still in control of my stuff. Yes, I sometimes induldge myself in a game or two (or three) with a "boys-night-out" session but that's much less than before. Averaging once a week or even less. So what am I going to do? I'm going to watch myself more closely this time. I already cleared most of my bank debts (credit card debts are sssoooo hard to clear off). So I'm okay with this "no money but not much in debt" situation.

If I do have some spare cash what would I do? First of all, it would depend on the amount. If the amount is at a five hundred bucks extra. I would probably fix my tires. If I have an extra of a thousand? I won't do a single thing. Wait a bit longer to accumulate a bit more then I would repaint my car. If I have a couple of thousand. Hmmm... I would do both my tires and paint my car at the same time. If I have five thousand? I would use two thousand to fix my car and the remainder to go on a holiday with Esther and probably let her buy some stuff that she likes (I know she just loves those cute artistic stuff that they sell at those kiosks). However, these are just my wishes. Possible but still a wish for now. Hmmmm... dream first. Accomplish later. Walt Disney always reminds people that "if you can dream it, you can do it". The thing that stops people from achieving it is the "doing" part. So what's beyond my horizon? My reality that has yet to come true. Adios.

The North American feeling...

2006-03-13T17:26:00.000+08:00

Yesterday we had church service that was mostly run in North American style. Meaning the songs that were sung, the part where they bring a show-and-tell session to the children (during the service mind you) and of course the people that were leading the service were Americans. I find myself smiling through out the serivice because of the style and I was explaining to someone next to me who was surprised and exclaimed, "hey why we didn't thought of that" everytime she sees something new and was wondering if it is a new thing. Oh well, she's was wondering if our church could adopt some of the styles that we saw yesterday.

Moving on to something more depressing. Pratiba, I send my condolences to you. I am sorry to hear that your mother passed away and I hope that everything is alright with you. We will pray for your comfort.

I just found out that I need to fix my car. Total amount to fix my car ? Try one thousand six hundred (ouch! Malaysian Ringgit of course but ouch nonetheless). Sigh. My car's pain is ruined (no thanks to the harsh sun ray's in this tropical side of the world) and let's see if I could delay till next year. Hopefully my car won't be in total rust by then. So in the mean time, I got to wash the car more often, apply car wax more frequently and may need to double my layers of wax just to prolong my paint. It's inevitable but it's like delaying death rather than increasing life. Oh well, got to go.

My condolences once again Pratiba.