10th April, 2006
Oh what a wonderful mmmmooorrrnnningg, oh what a wonderful dayyyyy, NOT!
I guess I started my morning with a good foot forward. Meaning, I manage to pull my carcass up by quarter past seven and manage to head to my office before everyone else does. Had a nice enough breakfast, with coffee mixed with tea and a nice steamed pork bun. Then I had a chat with someone and found out about something that I lay buried (purposefully) surfaced up again. Old wounds, sigh.
Things began to go downhill from there. Old wounds surfaced because I ripped it open. I ripped it open because I am the only one feeling it 'cause I caused it myself. Not like some of the wounds where the third party is the cause. Old wounds that I self-inflicted because of my own guilt. I screwed up on a particular situation and so I am flogging myself over it. Problem is everytime I get to see the particular situation, I begin to flog myself again. People like me, forgiving others is MUCH easier than forgiving oneself.
So what did I do? I skipped my lunch, stopped at my favourite Chinese tea shop for a while and drank Chinese tea with the sales person. Very nice. Both the tea and the sales person. As I drank a very good Chinese tea down my throat, I then begin to relax a bit. As I chat with the sales person, I begin to find myself releasing the whip that I so viciously flog myself with. I bought the nice Chinese tea and will be drinking it at my leisure and will remind myself to relax and to stop flogging over things that has happened five years back. Old wounds you see, keeps coming back but the key to your sanity is to forgive yourself. Problem with that is, it comes back again and again and to counter that, you MUST continue to forgive yourself (unless you have no conscience or have come to a point of understanding your decision at that time is just folly and unwise and have moved on since). I haven't come to that stage yet. Until I do, I will have to forgive myself.
I guess I started my morning with a good foot forward. Meaning, I manage to pull my carcass up by quarter past seven and manage to head to my office before everyone else does. Had a nice enough breakfast, with coffee mixed with tea and a nice steamed pork bun. Then I had a chat with someone and found out about something that I lay buried (purposefully) surfaced up again. Old wounds, sigh.
Things began to go downhill from there. Old wounds surfaced because I ripped it open. I ripped it open because I am the only one feeling it 'cause I caused it myself. Not like some of the wounds where the third party is the cause. Old wounds that I self-inflicted because of my own guilt. I screwed up on a particular situation and so I am flogging myself over it. Problem is everytime I get to see the particular situation, I begin to flog myself again. People like me, forgiving others is MUCH easier than forgiving oneself.
So what did I do? I skipped my lunch, stopped at my favourite Chinese tea shop for a while and drank Chinese tea with the sales person. Very nice. Both the tea and the sales person. As I drank a very good Chinese tea down my throat, I then begin to relax a bit. As I chat with the sales person, I begin to find myself releasing the whip that I so viciously flog myself with. I bought the nice Chinese tea and will be drinking it at my leisure and will remind myself to relax and to stop flogging over things that has happened five years back. Old wounds you see, keeps coming back but the key to your sanity is to forgive yourself. Problem with that is, it comes back again and again and to counter that, you MUST continue to forgive yourself (unless you have no conscience or have come to a point of understanding your decision at that time is just folly and unwise and have moved on since). I haven't come to that stage yet. Until I do, I will have to forgive myself.
posted by Brian at
Monday, April 10, 2006
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