May 2nd, 2006
I had a horrible weekend right from Friday night till Sunday and spilt over to yesterday. I have this re-occuring dream that I scolded and pinned for something I thought, in my judgement, was best for me to do things. Instead, I got punished and I don't think I could ever get over this. The trauma that inflicted upon me left me a sense of fear. Not that deep of turning into a morbid type but deep enough. I hate this. I really hate this. Fear has crept into my life and I can't function well or as well as I should/could.
Fear is something that paralyzes people and anything that can paralyzes you to function is bad. I try to eliminate fear in my life altogether. Why should I allow fear to control my life? Most of the time fear is just there to stop you from doing things but may not happen but some how this incident causes me to freeze in my tracks. Having said that, this fear is real because my boss will monitor me and the chances that I get screwed is pretty high and so technically if I were to remove this fear, I must either be on his good side or I quit this place altogether. I've moved too many times and so I don't feel like moving anymore. Furthermore, there is no point for me to move JUST because of this fear. I still don't like it. I'll take this job, till I'm dead or this company find someone better. How's that?
Coming back to my horrible weekend. I did, however, find solace in yesterday's dinner with the other donkey and chicken again. Suresh and Audrey together with William and Sharon. Esther and I enjoyed it pretty much last night. The amount of food we had for "Steam boat" was tremendous. Could easily feed half a squad of Gurkhas. So our waist-line expanded (about an inch and a half) but at that one sitting, I had forgotten about my fear. So that was good.
Waking up this morning was hard. Not only because it rained last night and so the cooler weather makes it harder to get up but also the dreaded fear. So, I gritted my teeth and go to the office early. Why? So I can get myself mentally prepared first before the class starts. Sigh, if I'm going to do this every day, then I'd better get this to be my routine. By making it as a routine, then I won't have to be afraid so much. Part of my job. Sigh. But still...oh well.
Today was okay. Let's see tomorrow.
Fear is something that paralyzes people and anything that can paralyzes you to function is bad. I try to eliminate fear in my life altogether. Why should I allow fear to control my life? Most of the time fear is just there to stop you from doing things but may not happen but some how this incident causes me to freeze in my tracks. Having said that, this fear is real because my boss will monitor me and the chances that I get screwed is pretty high and so technically if I were to remove this fear, I must either be on his good side or I quit this place altogether. I've moved too many times and so I don't feel like moving anymore. Furthermore, there is no point for me to move JUST because of this fear. I still don't like it. I'll take this job, till I'm dead or this company find someone better. How's that?
Coming back to my horrible weekend. I did, however, find solace in yesterday's dinner with the other donkey and chicken again. Suresh and Audrey together with William and Sharon. Esther and I enjoyed it pretty much last night. The amount of food we had for "Steam boat" was tremendous. Could easily feed half a squad of Gurkhas. So our waist-line expanded (about an inch and a half) but at that one sitting, I had forgotten about my fear. So that was good.
Waking up this morning was hard. Not only because it rained last night and so the cooler weather makes it harder to get up but also the dreaded fear. So, I gritted my teeth and go to the office early. Why? So I can get myself mentally prepared first before the class starts. Sigh, if I'm going to do this every day, then I'd better get this to be my routine. By making it as a routine, then I won't have to be afraid so much. Part of my job. Sigh. But still...oh well.
Today was okay. Let's see tomorrow.
posted by Brian at
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
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